Hold on to your hats, folks, because Hollywood’s about to butcher another beloved video game! Split Fiction, that co-op game you probably only played once with your weird cousin, is getting a movie adaptation. And guess who they cast? Sydney Sweeney! Because, you know, that’s *exactly* who I pictured while struggling through those puzzles. 🙄
So, apparently, this whole thing started at the Game Developers Conference 2025. (Yes, the future is now, old man!) Some “unnamed sources” – probably the janitor – whispered that Story Kitchen (sounds legit) was throwing together a bunch of “movie professionals” to make the whole idea of a Split Fiction movie sound less like a fever dream. And get this: “top Hollywood studios” were *reportedly* fighting over the rights! I bet it was a knife fight over who gets to ruin it the most. 🔪
But wait, it gets better! Variety (because *they’re* the experts on video games) confirmed that Story Kitchen is indeed involved. They used to be called dj2 Entertainment, which sounds even *more* professional, right? And not only is Sydney Sweeney on board, but Jon M. Chu (of *Step Up 2: The Streets* fame!) is directing. Because what this game *really* needs is more dancing. 💃 Oh, and the guys who wrote *Deadpool & Wolverine* are doing the script. So expect lots of meta jokes that will go way over the heads of anyone who actually enjoyed the game.
For those of you who actually played Split Fiction (bless your heart), it’s about two authors, Mio and Zoe, who get sucked into their own stories. One’s sci-fi, one’s fantasy, and they have to, like, cooperate or something. Hazelight Studios, the geniuses behind this masterpiece, are known for co-op games. Remember *It Takes Two*? That game was actually good! 🏆 But seriously, which character is Sydney Sweeney playing? My money’s on the one with the least amount of clothing. Just sayin’.
But hey, at least Story Kitchen has a *stellar* track record. They did Netflix’s *Tomb Raider* (yawn) and the *Sonic the Hedgehog* movies (okay, those were kinda fun, but still!). So, you know, there’s a *chance* this won’t be a complete dumpster fire. A *small* chance. Like, winning-the-lottery small. 🤞
So, get ready for another video game adaptation that will make you question all your life choices. And remember, when the critics pan it and the box office bombs, you can always say, “I told you so!” Because, let’s be honest, we all saw this coming. 🤷♀️
Pixel P. Snarkbyte, widely regarded as the “Shakespeare of Sh*tposts,” is a video game expert with a unique knack for turning pixels into punchlines.
Born in the small town of Respawn, Pennsylvania, Pixel grew up mashing buttons on an ancient NES controller, firmly believing that “blowing into the cartridge” was a sacred ritual passed down through generations.
Pixel P. Snarkbyte: proving that life, much like a buggy open-world game, is better with a little lag-induced chaos.
