Oh, Bethesda, you sly dogs! 🐕🦺 Just when we thought Fallout 76 was destined to become a radioactive wasteland of broken promises and hilarious glitches, they reel us back in with…fishing? 🎣 Yes, you heard that right. Prepare to trade your power armor for waders, because Fallout 76: Gone Fission is here to prove that the apocalypse is best enjoyed with a fishing rod in hand. Who needs to fight super mutants when you can spend your days battling…fish? 🐟🐠🐡
Fallout 76, bless its buggy little heart, is somehow on its 21st season. Twenty-one seasons of “content” that mostly involves Bethesda apologizing for something they broke and then adding a slightly less broken thing on top. Last season, we got to become ghouls, because apparently, Bethesda realized that the only way to make their game remotely interesting was to shamelessly piggyback off the success of the Amazon Prime TV Series, Fallout. Now, they’re diving headfirst into the “cozy” genre with Gone Fission, because nothing says post-apocalyptic survival like a relaxing day by the irradiated river. They even released a trailer! I watched it so you don’t have to, and let me tell you, it’s about as exciting as watching paint dry…on a pre-war house. 😴
Apparently, Appalachia is now a fishing paradise! 🏞️ Starting June 3rd (mark your calendars, folks, because this is clearly the most important date of the year), you can cast your line into any body of water and hope to catch something other than a mutated tire. The Gone Fission questline will generously gift you a fishing rod, because Bethesda knows that the only thing keeping us from true happiness is the lack of a virtual fishing pole. And don’t forget about the monthly Axolotls! 🦎 Collect them all to prove you have no life outside of Fallout 76! There’s also something about “Local Legends,” which I assume are just bigger, more mutated fish that will probably clip through the scenery.
But wait, there’s more! 🎉 Not only can you catch fish, but you can also *craft* with them! Because who needs bullets when you can make a delicious fish stew? 🍲 You can either eat the fish for a minor health boost or grind them into “Fish Bits,” which sounds about as appetizing as it is. And of course, there’s a new NPC, Linda Lee, who’s a giant hermit crab 🦀 living in Fisherman’s Rest. Apparently, if you give her a snack every day, she’ll give you a legendary item. So basically, Bethesda is encouraging us to become crab feeders. Also, because everyone asked for it, you can now buy a houseboat! 🏠 Because nothing says “survival” like floating around in a dilapidated shack.
Fallout 76: Gone Fission will be available on all your favorite platforms (except maybe the Atari, because even that’s too good for this game) on June 3rd. You can find more details on the official site, but honestly, why would you? Go outside, touch some grass, maybe even try real fishing. It’ll be a much better use of your time. Unless, of course, you’re a masochist who enjoys the sweet, sweet pain of playing Fallout 76. In that case, happy fishing! Just don’t blame me when you catch a three-headed bloatfly instead of a legendary trout. 🪰
Pixel P. Snarkbyte, widely regarded as the “Shakespeare of Sh*tposts,” is a video game expert with a unique knack for turning pixels into punchlines.
Born in the small town of Respawn, Pennsylvania, Pixel grew up mashing buttons on an ancient NES controller, firmly believing that “blowing into the cartridge” was a sacred ritual passed down through generations.
Pixel P. Snarkbyte: proving that life, much like a buggy open-world game, is better with a little lag-induced chaos.
