So, at this weekend’s prestigious (lol) Download festival in the glamorous Leicestershire, United Kingdom, APOCALYPTICA’s main cello-strummer Perttu Kivilaakso, was cornered by some dude from the Mike James Rock Show and grilled about his wildest collab fantasies. 🙄 He apparently has a “wish list” – because who doesn’t? – of musicians he’d hypothetically bang out a tune with. Prepare for some serious name-dropping.
Perttu, bless his heart, starts by reminding us that they’ve already graced the studio with “an incredible amount of amazing artists.” Translation: We’re kind of a big deal. 😎 He then name-drops James Hetfield of METALLICA (who guested on their cover of ‘One’ – groundbreaking stuff, really). Apparently, Papa Het was “top of the list,” a “dream,” and “unbelievable” if he ever did anything for them. Like, dude, you already got him! Are you trying to manifest a lifetime supply of guitar picks or something? 🤨
But wait, there’s more! The wish list expands to include the “charisma and incredible person” of Nick Cave. Because nothing screams “Apocalyptica” like a gloomy, cello-infused dirge with Nick’s signature mumble-singing. 😴 And because they’re clearly not aiming high enough, Perttu throws out “Pink or somebody with a really, really great attitude.” Because, you know, Pink and cellos? A match made in… well, definitely not heaven. Maybe a quirky indie film soundtrack? 🤷♀️
Perttu then tries to justify this bizarre array of potential collaborators by claiming that APOCALYPTICA is “very versatile.” They can go from “very beautiful classical elements to brutal thrash metal!” Which is basically like saying you can cook both Michelin-star meals and microwave dinners. Technically true, but hardly impressive. 🙄 He also expresses his undying love for “the greatest growers” – whatever that means – like Alissa White-Gluz from ARCH ENEMY. Because apparently, screaming vocals and cellos are the new peanut butter and jelly. 🤘
Apparently, the biggest problem they face is having “too many ideas” and some buzzkill in the music industry telling them that “not all is possible, guys. Come on.” Oh, the struggles of being a cello-rock band with delusions of grandeur! 😭
Perttu, in a moment of surprising self-awareness, admits that he and his bandmates are “grateful” to still have a global audience. “So far, that has been really working,” he says, with the enthusiasm of someone ordering a plain salad. 🥗 He then goes on to say that he appreciates the fact that they can still do this “for a living and entertain people around the world.” Which is nice, I guess. But maybe try injecting a little more passion into it, dude! 🔥 It makes them feel “blessed,” which gives them the “sparkle” to continue figuring out “more cool things.” Like, what, covering more METALLICA songs? Groundbreaking. 🙄
Oh, and in case you missed it, James Hetfield graced APOCALYPTICA with his presence at a concert in Denver. Because nothing says “underground cello-rock” like having a metal god in the audience. 🙏 They were touring North America in support of “Apocalyptica Plays Metallica, Vol. 2” – the sequel to their legendary debut. Because, you know, sequels are always better. 🤦♀️
“Apocalyptica Plays Metallica Vol. 2” continues the journey that began in 1996. Because apparently, the world needed more cello covers of METALLICA songs. 🤷♀️ The “One” single saw Hetfield joining in for a “soul-stirring, spoken word” performance. Which is basically like having your grandpa read poetry at a metal concert. 👴
The album’s lead single was “The Four Horsemen,” a song that originally appeared on METALLICA’s 1983 debut “Kill ‘Em All.” It features a guest appearance by METALLICA bassist Robert Trujillo. Because why not milk the METALLICA cow for all it’s worth? 🐄
Chord F. Discord, the Beethoven of Buffoonery, is a self-taught expert in music who once claimed he could “play the kazoo in four languages.”
Born in Crescendo, Indiana, Chord’s first brush with fame came when he accidentally entered a yodeling contest thinking it was a pie-eating competition—and won both categories.
Chord F. Discord: proving that laughter, much like a poorly tuned ukulele, is truly universal.
