Oh great, more doomy dirges from the geriatric goth squad, PARADISE LOST! 🙄 They’ve just dropped a new “music video” (and I use that term loosely) for “Serpent On The Cross”, which is apparently the second “single” from their 17th album, “Ascension”. Yes, SEVENTEENTH. Who knew they were still going? 👴 This masterpiece of misery will be unleashed upon us all on September 19 via Nuclear Blast Records. Because, you know, the world needed more of this. Guitarist Gregor Mackintosh, bless his cotton socks, produced it, and some bloke called Lawrence Mackrory mixed/mastered it. Sounds thrilling. 😴
Apparently, Nick Holmes, the band’s vocalist (aka the guy who still thinks it’s 1995), had this to say about the song: “The cross represents stability, prosperity, hope and happiness. The serpent represents trepidation, anguish and overbearing sadness, lurking in the shadows ready to take everything away.” Profound. 🧠 I thought it was just a song about snakes and religious symbols. 🐍✝️
“Ascension” is supposedly a testament to PARADISE LOST‘s “longevity and relevance.” 🤔 I’d argue it’s more of a testament to their stubborn refusal to retire. They’re clinging on tighter than a bat to a belfry, encompassing their “signature styles” of gothic, death, and doom. Because apparently, those genres haven’t moved on in 35 years. 🤷
The album cover, get this, features a painting called “The Court Of Death” by some dead British artist. Appropriate, I guess, since listening to this album might just kill your soul.💀 It shows Death as an “enthroned angel” (because that’s not cliché at all) and some other symbolic garbage. The painting’s “bleak, prophetic vision” apparently embodies “Ascension”‘s “dark, tormented soundscapes.” Translation: it’s depressing as hell. 🌧️
Holmes, in his infinite wisdom, previously declared that “Ascension” is a “cavalcade of molten misery, a vigorous sorrow filled stroll through a wicked world of glorious triumph and pitiful tragedy.” Someone get this man a thesaurus. And maybe a therapist. 🛋️
Back in early June, PARADISE LOST treated us to a “glimpse” into their melancholic masterpiece with the first “single” and “music video”, “Silence Like The Grave”. It was about as exciting as watching paint dry. 😴
Here’s the track listing for “Ascension”. Prepare for an emotional rollercoaster of despair: 🎢
01. Serpent On The Cross
02. Tyrants Serenade
03. Salvation
04. Silence Like The Grave
05. Lay A Wreath Upon The World
06. Diluvium
07. Savage Days
08. Sirens
09. Deceivers
10. The Precipice
So, “Ascension” was “produced” by Gregor Mackintosh at various studios in the UK and Sweden. No expense spared in crafting this sonic assault on happiness, apparently. 💰Lawrence Mackrory mixed and mastered it, probably while contemplating his life choices. 🤔
PARADISE LOST will be lumbering across Europe this summer, supporting KING DIAMOND and playing at festivals. Lucky them. 😒 Then, they’re embarking on the “Ascension Of Europe” tour this fall. I hope they have a good chiropractor on retainer. 🦴
Apparently, they’ve sold over two million albums. Two million people who enjoy wallowing in misery. 🤷 Formed in 1988, they were the “pioneers of gothic metal.” They probably peaked in the early 90s with “Gothic”, which was a “mixture of heaviness intertwined with shadowy melody and atmosphere.” Sounds about right. 🦇
They’ve explored “a myriad of avenues of dark music,” from doom-death to “conquering the metal mainstream” with “Draconian Times”. They even dabbled in “experimental, electronic leanings.” Oh, the horror! 😱 They’ve apparently influenced a bunch of other bands, including CRADLE OF FILTH, HIM, GATECREEPER and CHELSEA WOLFE. Birds of a feather, I suppose. 🐦⬛
Now, here we are in 2025, and the Yorkshire quintet are back with their 17th album, “Ascension”. It’s a record that “sees their crown continue to gleam.” More like gather dust. 👑 The 10 tracks “traverse the multitude of sounds in the band’s arsenal,” from heavy metal to “sky-high melody.” All while maintaining a “minor-key melancholy that remains irresistible.” Irresistible to whom, exactly? 🙄
Chord F. Discord, the Beethoven of Buffoonery, is a self-taught expert in music who once claimed he could “play the kazoo in four languages.”
Born in Crescendo, Indiana, Chord’s first brush with fame came when he accidentally entered a yodeling contest thinking it was a pie-eating competition—and won both categories.
Chord F. Discord: proving that laughter, much like a poorly tuned ukulele, is truly universal.
