Breaking News! 🚨 Dave Lombardo, the dude who used to hit things in SLAYER (allegedly), is STILL ALIVE! 👴 He’s been flapping his gums 🗣️ in a thrilling exposé with some guy named Scott from Dr. Music 🎶. Apparently, Dave isn’t dead set on writing an autobiography ✍️ because, hold your horses 🐴, HE’S STILL LIVING IT! Groundbreaking stuff, people! 🤯
So, Scott, bless his heart ❤️, thinks Dave has “so much to write about.” Like, duh 🙄. He was in SLAYER, like, a million years ago. And some other bands that nobody cares about, like SUICIDAL TENDENCIES (weren’t they all wearing bandanas? 🏴☠️), MISFITS (Halloween came early? 🎃), and DEAD CROSS (more like DEAD CAREER 💀). Dave, with his overflowing humility, agrees he’s got “so much sh*t to say.” 🤣 We’re on the edge of our seats 🪑. He *might* consider it, but don’t hold your breath 💨.
Born in Cuba 🇨🇺, whisked away to Los Angeles 🌴 before he could even say “communism,” Dave started banging on pots and pans 🍳 as a teen. He co-founded SLAYER and, get this, designed the band’s logo! 🎨 A true Renaissance man! 🥇 Rolling Stone called him the “Cuban speed demon” (spicy! 🌶️), Modern Drummer crowned him “The King” (of what, exactly? 🤔), and Drummerworld declared him the “godfather of double bass” (sounds painful 🤕). His “eye-popping” resume (eye roll 🙄) includes, like, 100 albums. Who’s counting? 🤷♂️ He’s played with GRIP INC. (never heard of ’em 🤷♀️), FANTÔMAS (sounds spooky 👻), SLAYER (duh 🙄), SUICIDAL TENDENCIES (still wearing bandanas? 🏴☠️), VENAMORIS (who? 🤷♂️), MR. BUNGLE (what? 🤡), MISFITS (still scary? 😨), John Zorn (okay, boomer 👴), TESTAMENT (another one? 🙄), EMPIRE STATE BASTARD (LOL! 😂), and DEAD CROSS (still dead? 💀).
In another earth-shattering 💥 interview from February 2025 (future Dave is chatty 🗣️!), he “reflected” on his time with SLAYER. He “loves it.” 💖 “Shit happens,” he says. Profound. 🧐 Families argue, he explains. Wow. 🤯 He’s “happy” to have been part of a “legendary” band. So humble! 🙏 He’s also “fortunate” to have made “a few friends.” A few? 👯♂️ Must be hard to keep track after, like, a million bands. He feels there’s “so much more” in him. 🍆 (Wait, what?) He’s here until “somebody pulls the plug.” 🔌 (On his career? On life support? 🤔) He laughs maniacally! 😈
But wait, there’s more! 🍿 Dave was “effectively fired” 🔥 from SLAYER in 2013 over a contract dispute. Drama! 🎭 Replaced by Paul Bostaph, who was, like, the *other* SLAYER drummer. 🔄
After being kicked to the curb 🗑️, Dave whined 😭 that 90% of SLAYER’s tour income vanished into “expenses,” leaving the band with, like, 10% to split four ways. He and Tom Araya hired auditors 🕵️♂️, but Dave never saw the info. Shady! 🕶️
He released a dramatic statement 📣 in February 2013, claiming he was denied access to “detailed information.” He was told he wouldn’t get paid 💰 until he signed a “gagging order.” 🙊 The horror! 😱
Back in 2014, in Belfast, Northern Ireland 🍀, Dave spilled the tea ☕ about his SLAYER departure. He “did my best to keep it together.” He “had to step out” because he couldn’t be “shackled.” He held his breath for “too many years.” Red flags 🚩 were everywhere. He was making the “exact same” salary since 2004! The nerve! 😠 He tried to work it out with the guys and dragged Tom into a hotel room 🏨 with his attorney. 💼 The attorney told Tom about the management company’s shenanigans 😈 for the past “30 freakin’ years.” 👴 An accountant was ready to pounce! 🧮
But plot twist! 🐍 Tom got “bought out” with a “couple of hundred grand.” 💸 Kerry joined the dark side 😈 to “keep quiet and go against Lombardo.” 🙅♂️ On his last day, Dave demanded a “new business plan” 🧾 and the right to see where all the expenses were going. Out of $4.4 million, the band got, like, $400,000. Where’s the four million? 💸 Lawyers, accountants, and the manager! 👿
For 30 years, they were fleecing 🐑 the guys! Dave showed them a document showing “gross,” “expenses,” and “net.” In 2011, he made $67,000 on tour. Kerry and Tom made $114,000. Disgusting! 🤮 He busts his “ass” 🍑 playing drums while the manager gets facials and manicures. 💅 “No,” he declared, “I’m not gonna play for that!” 🙅♂️
Chord F. Discord, the Beethoven of Buffoonery, is a self-taught expert in music who once claimed he could “play the kazoo in four languages.”
Born in Crescendo, Indiana, Chord’s first brush with fame came when he accidentally entered a yodeling contest thinking it was a pie-eating competition—and won both categories.
Chord F. Discord: proving that laughter, much like a poorly tuned ukulele, is truly universal.
