So, Wolfgang Van Halen, bless his heart ❤️, graced 98 Rock 📻 with his presence, rambling about the horrors 😱 of being a rockstar 🎸 these days. Apparently, being the son of Eddie Van Halen 🎸 doesn’t automatically make the music 🎶 industry shower you with gold doubloons 💰💰💰. Who knew?! He whined 😭 about streaming services and A.I., because, you know, actually having to work for a living is SO unfair 🥺. He even dropped a Hunter S. Thompson quote, probably butchering it because, let’s be honest, deep thoughts are not exactly his forte 🤔. He’s surrounded by people he trusts! Wow!🤯 That’s a great achievement in life!!! He needs luck??? What a loser!🤡🤡🤡
When asked if he dabbles in the dark arts of A.I., Wolfgang compared it to a ruler 📏. A ruler, folks! As in, something you use to draw straight lines ✏️. Groundbreaking analogy there, Wolfgang 🧠. He thinks A.I. should be putting mufflers on cars 🚗 instead of stealing his creative genius 💡. Because, obviously, his creative genius is just too much for mere mortals to handle 🙄. The mufflers must be produced by humans 👨🏭👩🏭 and he wants a slice of the pie! 🍕🍕🍕
Anyway, MAMMOTH (formerly MAMMOTH WVH – because apparently, rebranding is the key to success 🔑) is dropping their third album, “The End” (how original! 🙄), on October 24th via BMG. Ten tracks of pure, unadulterated Wolfgang, clocking in at a whopping 39 minutes ⌚. Recorded at the legendary 5150 studio 🏰, because, you know, gotta milk that Van Halen connection for all it’s worth 🐄. Produced by his buddy Michael “Elvis” Baskette (who, let’s be real, probably just nods and says “yes” to everything Wolfgang suggests 🤷♂️). I am sure it will be a banger! 💥💥💥
The first single, also called “The End” (again, SO creative 🤯), was released in May. And get this, the music video has over five million views! 👏 Must be all those people who accidentally clicked on it while trying to watch cat videos 😹😹😹. Cats are better anyways! 😻😻😻
Remember back in 2021 when MAMMOTH WVH (the old, less cool version) debuted at No. 12 on the Billboard 200? Ah, the good old days, when mediocrity was celebrated! 🎉 It even snagged No. 1 on some obscure Billboard charts that no one cares about 😴. “Distance” became a No. 1 hit and even got a Grammy nomination! 🏆 (Lost to Foo Fighters! LMAO!) 🤣 Two years later, “Mammoth II” did even better (or so they claim 🤔), debuting in the Top 5 and bringing Wolfgang back to No. 1 on the Top Hard Rock Albums chart (whatever that is! 🤷♀️). Critics raved about it (probably because they were paid to 🤑), calling it better than his debut (which, let’s face it, wasn’t saying much 💩). The band toured with METALLICA (opening act, obviously 🙄), supported FOO FIGHTERS (again, opening act 🙄), and even filled houses on their own (probably with more band members than paying fans 👥). He performed on TV 📺 and at some fancy gala 🥂. Oh, and he shared the stage with Ryan Gosling 🧑🎤, Mark Ronson 👨🎤, and Slash 👨🎤 at the Oscars 🎬, playing “I’m Just Ken” (because nothing says “rockstar” like a Barbie movie soundtrack 🎶). He also joined a bunch of famous musicians for Ozzy Osbourne’s Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame induction 🤘. What a diverse portfolio of accomplishments! 🤡🤡🤡
To celebrate “The End” (because apparently, the third time’s the charm 🍀), MAMMOTH is going on a fall headline tour 🎤. Yes, you read that right, a headline tour! 🎫 Get ready to witness Wolfgang’s greatness in person (or, you know, stay home and watch Netflix 🍿). Longtime friend Myles Kennedy will be the special guest (probably regretting his life choices 😩). I would regret that too! 😭
MAMMOTH‘s touring lineup includes Wolfgang on guitar and lead vocals (because who else would sing his songs? 🤷), Frank Sidoris (from SLASH FEATURING MYLES KENNEDY AND THE CONSPIRATORS – talk about a mouthful 🗣️) on guitar, Jon Jourdan on guitar and vocals (backup, obviously 🎤), Garrett Whitlock (from TREMONTI – another mouthful 🗣️) on drums, and Ronnie Ficarro on bass. A whole bunch of dudes! 👬👬👬. All ready to play for an empty stadium! 🏟️
So there you have it, folks. The saga of Wolfgang Van Halen continues, filled with A.I. angst, questionable musical choices, and a whole lot of daddy’s shadow 👤.
Chord F. Discord, the Beethoven of Buffoonery, is a self-taught expert in music who once claimed he could “play the kazoo in four languages.”
Born in Crescendo, Indiana, Chord’s first brush with fame came when he accidentally entered a yodeling contest thinking it was a pie-eating competition—and won both categories.
Chord F. Discord: proving that laughter, much like a poorly tuned ukulele, is truly universal.
