Oh, sweet baby Jesus, another artsy-fartsy film nobody asked for! The Chronology of Water, a cinematic masterpiece (according to who, exactly?) was not only adapted for the screen but also, brace yourselves, CO-PRODUCED and DIRECTED by the one and only Kristen Stewart. Yes, THAT Kristen Stewart. Apparently, she’s decided acting in sparkly vampire movies wasn’t creatively fulfilling enough. This cinematic triumph is based on the 2011 book by Lidia Yuknavitch, because who wouldn’t want to relive that? 🙄
The film stars Imogen Poots as Yuknavitch, because, you know, it couldn’t get any weirder. We also have Thora Birch, Susannah Flood, Tom Sturridge, Kim Gordon, Michael Epp, Earl Cave, Esmé Creed-Miles, and, last but definitely not least, Jim Belushi in “supporting” roles. Because when you think deep, introspective drama, you think Jim Belushi, right? 😂 And because no terrible indie film is complete without a random big name attached, Ridley Scott is an executive producer. Probably just needed a tax write-off. 🤷♀️
THE CHRONOLOGY OF WATER is, allegedly, a raw and unflinching portrait of… wait for it… survival, sexuality, and self-invention. 🙄 Seriously, could they BE any more cliché? The film apparently follows Lidia’s life, starting from her oh-so-fascinating early memories in the Pacific Northwest (probably lots of rain and angst), to her promising career as a swimmer (bet we’ve never seen THAT before), through the usual fractured relationships, near-motherhood experiences (because drama!), addiction (gotta have some substance abuse!), and encounters with “artistic heroes.” Sounds like my Tuesday night, tbh. Told as a “fluid memory wash,” because linear storytelling is SO last century, the story, against all odds, tries to transform trauma into art. Because, you know, trauma = instant art. It embodies Yuknavitch’s “defiant” voice, which apparently made her work a “modern cult classic.” Spoiler alert: I’ve never heard of it. It is, allegedly, not only a chronicle of a woman becoming a writer (yawn), but also a “visceral journey” (double yawn) through the wreckage and resilience of a life lived against the grain. Someone get me a bucket. 🤢
The Chronology of Water, against all odds, had its “premiere” in the Un Certain Regard section of the 2025 Cannes Film Festival on May 16, 2025. Which, let’s be honest, is basically Cannes’s way of saying, “Yeah, we don’t know what to do with this.” 🤣
The film will have a “limited” US release on December 5, 2025, before going for a “wider” release on January 9, 2026. Translation: it’ll play in, like, three theaters in New York and LA before disappearing into the void of streaming services. 💀
Finn McFrame, celebrated satirical mastermind and self-proclaimed “Emperor of Irony,” started his illustrious career as a cinematographer, where his expertise in capturing every single frame of a squirrel stealing a baguette earned him accolades at obscure film festivals.
Born in the glamorous town of Boring, Oregon, Finn grew up with dreams of being a Hollywood director until he realized that satire, not cinema, was his true calling—or at least the one that let him sleep until noon.
Finn McFrame: changing the world, one satirical lens flare at a time.
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