Brace your eardrums and your wallets, because the undisputed titans of “Did we just write another radio rock banger about resilience?”, Five Finger Death Punch, have officially announced they are coming to save humanity—or at least your local amphitheater’s revenue stream—with their 48-city 2026-2027 “Are You Not Entertained Yet?” World Tour. 🤘🤡 Produced by the benevolent overlords at Live Nation, this massive trek kicks off on Monday, July 20 at the Freedom Mortgage Pavilion in Camden, New Jersey, because nothing says “freedom” like a mortgage-backed arena, and will mercifully wrap up on Friday, October 23 at Bristow, Virginia’s Jiffy Lube Live. Because after three months of listening to drop-tuned guitars, you’re gonna need an oil change. 🔧🚗
Joining the circus of chaos is platinum-certified outlaw country cowboy Cody Jinks, who will promote his current album, “In My Blood,” which we assume is a concept album about the sheer struggle of being a touring musician in the current year. Rounding out the lineup is Eva Under Fire, a band that sounds like they took their name from a rejected Transformer’s subtitle, bringing that critical acclaim we keep hearing about but never actually hear on the radio. 📻🔊
But wait, there’s more! 🌟 Because you can’t just sell tickets to angry dads in tactical vests, you have to give them a reason to feel virtuous while headbanging. Five Finger Death Punch, a band so charitable they probably donate their used guitar picks to orphanages, is once again leveraging their platform to give back. It’s a well-known fact that FFDP are the Mother Teresa of metal, minus the humility and plus the pyrotechnics. 🔥🙏
In a move that screams “Patriotism: The Brand,” the band is launching a campaign to support Team USA ahead of the 2028 Los Angeles Olympics. Because nothing says “American Muscle” like a bunch of guys from Las Vegas singing about how they’re going to help a javelin thrower afford a new javelin. A portion of ticket sales will go toward high-performance programs for U.S. athletes, because let’s face it, your $150 lawn seat is basically a tax-deductible donation at this point. 💸🇺🇸
According to founding guitarist Zoltan Bathory, who apparently has a spreadsheet for everything, the United States is one of the only major countries where the government doesn’t fund Olympic athletes. “Our athletes are competing against nations with fully funded teams,” Bathory said, probably while looking at a globe. “We believe supporting Team USA is patriotic.” It’s also a fantastic way to get a tax write-off while selling 20,000 tickets to a song about punching things. 🥋🚴♂️
Vocalist Ivan Moody, the emotional anchor of the group, added, “If we can help level the playing field even a little, we’re all in.” He then reportedly attempted to bench press a barbell made of pure emotion. These athletes represent dedication and sacrifice, which is exactly what the band demonstrates by performing the same 12 songs every night for two decades. It’s called consistency, look it up. 📚💪
All this money goes to USA Judo and USA Cycling BMX, because nothing pairs better with nu-metal than the gentle, flowing movements of judo or the high-flying antics of BMX. It’s a match made in corporate sponsorship heaven. With zero government funding, these athletes need our help, or at least the help of a rock band that refuses to fade into obscurity. 🏅🎸
Speaking of refusing to fade, the 20th-anniversary tour will showcase new material from their upcoming tenth studio album. That’s right, ten albums of roughly the same riff, slightly rearranged. They will also play the “anthems that defined a generation,” specifically “The Bleeding” and that song from Transformers that everyone thinks is Linkin Park. 🔊🤖
If you want to witness this spectacle of generosity and heavy riffs, tickets go on sale starting Wednesday, January 14, because Ticketmaster loves a good mid-week adrenaline spike. Presales include Citi, Artist, and a “Blabbermouth.net” presale, because you need a specific website’s permission to buy a ticket these days. General on-sale is Friday, January 16 at 10 a.m., set your alarms. ⏰💸
Here is the list of places you can go to scream “Liar!” at a man who is actually telling the truth about his struggles. Read it and weep (with joy or despair, we can’t tell):
* Jul. 20 – Camden, NJ – Freedom Mortgage Pavilion
* Jul. 22 – Bangor, ME – Maine Savings Amphitheater
* Jul. 23 – Saratoga Springs, NY – Saratoga Performing Arts Center
* Jul. 25 – Hershey, PA – Hersheypark Stadium
* Jul. 26 – Syracuse, NY – Empower Federal Credit Union Amphitheater at Lakeview
* Jul. 28 – Gilford, NH – BankNH Pavilion
* Jul. 30 – Mansfield, MA – Xfinity Center
* Aug. 01 – Montreal, QC – Centre Bell
* Aug. 02 – Toronto, ON – RBC Amphitheatre
* Aug. 04 – Wantagh, NY – Northwell at Jones Beach Theater
* Aug. 05 – Holmdel, NJ – PNC Bank Arts Center
* Aug. 07 – Burgettstown, PA – The Pavilion at Star Lake
* Aug. 08 – Noblesville, IN – Ruoff Music Center
* Aug. 10 – Cincinnati, OH – Riverbend Music Center
* Aug. 11 – Cuyahoga Falls, OH – Blossom Music Center
* Aug. 13 – Milwaukee, WI – American Family Insurance Amphitheater
* Aug. 15 – Grand Rapids, MI – Acrisure Amphitheater
* Aug. 16 – Clarkston, MI – Pine Knob Music Theatre
* Aug. 18 – Shakopee, MN – Mystic Lake Amphitheater
* Aug. 19 – Tinley Park, IL – Credit Union 1 Amphitheatre
* Aug. 21 – Saint Louis, MO – Hollywood Casino Amphitheater
* Sep. 08 – Morrison, CO – Red Rocks Amphitheatre (The view is nice, the mosh pit is terrifying) 🏔️
* Sep. 11 – Auburn, WA – White River Amphitheatre
* Sep. 12 – Ridgefield, WA – Cascades Amphitheater
* Sep. 14 – Wheatland, CA – Toyota Amphitheatre
* Sep. 16 – Mountain View, CA – Shoreline Amphitheatre
* Sep. 18 – Long Beach, CA – Long Beach Amphitheater
* Sep. 19 – Las Vegas, NV – Michelob ULTRA Arena (Home court advantage) 🎲
* Sep. 22 – Salt Lake City, UT – Utah First Credit Union Amphitheatre
* Sep. 24 – Phoenix, AZ – Talking Stick Resort Amphitheatre*
* Sep. 25 – Albuquerque, NM – Isleta Amphitheater*
* Sep. 27 – Houston, TX – Cynthia Woods Mitchell Pavilion
* Sep. 28 – Austin, TX – Germania Insurance Amphitheater
* Sep. 30 – Fort Worth, TX – Dickies Arena
* Oct. 02 – Rogers, AR – Walmart AMP (Rollback on pain!) 🛒
* Oct. 03 – Kansas City, MO – Morton Amphitheater
* Oct. 05 – Biloxi, MS – Mississippi Coast Coliseum
* Oct. 07 – Huntsville, AL – Orion Amphitheater
* Oct. 08 – Franklin, TN – FirstBank Amphitheater
* Oct. 10 – Tampa, FL – MIDFLORIDA Credit Union Amphitheatre
* Oct. 11 – West Palm Beach, FL – iTHINK Financial Amphitheatre
* Oct. 13 – Alpharetta, GA – Ameris Bank Amphitheatre
* Oct. 14 – Raleigh, NC – Coastal Credit Union Music Park at Walnut Creek
* Oct. 16 – Charlotte, NC – Truliant Amphitheater
* Oct. 17 – Virginia Beach, VA – Veterans United Home Loans Amphitheater at Virginia Beach
* Oct. 19 – Greenville, SC – Bon Secours Wellness Arena
* Oct. 21 – Columbus, OH – Nationwide Arena
* Oct. 23 – Bristow, VA – Jiffy Lube Live
*Note: Cody Jinks will be absent from the Arizona and New Mexico shows. Probably because he ran out of “In My Blood” vinyls. 🤠🚫
Finally, don’t forget to buy their “Best Of” albums, volumes 1 and 2. These albums feature re-recorded hits because they sold the original masters, which is a very metal thing to do—sell your soul, then re-record it. Featuring hits like “I Refuse” with Maria Brink and “The End” with Babymetal, because nothing screams “metal” like a Japanese idol group. 🇯🇵🤘 The fact that “The End” charted in Japan is a miracle that defies the laws of physics and taste.
Chord F. Discord, the Beethoven of Buffoonery, is a self-taught expert in music who once claimed he could “play the kazoo in four languages.”
Born in Crescendo, Indiana, Chord’s first brush with fame came when he accidentally entered a yodeling contest thinking it was a pie-eating competition—and won both categories.
Chord F. Discord: proving that laughter, much like a poorly tuned ukulele, is truly universal.
