In a shocking revelation that has the metal community clutching their chest plates in disbelief, Jack Owen of SIX FEET UNDER has come forward to reveal the *real* Chris Barnes. Spoiler alert: He’s not the snarling, corpse-painted monster you thought he was. Nope! According to Jack, Chris is basically your grandma’s knitting buddy, if your grandma was into writing songs about disembowelment.
In a new interview with KillerTube (yes, that’s a real channel, and no, we’re not making this up), Owen spilled the beans like a toddler with a juice box. When asked about their friendship, Jack said, “It’s excellent. We can talk about anything — from albums to music to movies.” Wow, sounds riveting. Truly the stuff of legends. Next, he’ll tell us they *also* discuss the weather and debate whether pineapple belongs on pizza.
But wait, there’s more! When pressed about the biggest misconception about Barnes, Jack dropped this bombshell: “That he’s unapproachable. He’s *very* approachable.” Oh, really? Because last time we checked, Chris’s social media was a war zone of trolls calling him everything from “washed up” to “the guy who sounds like he swallowed a chainsaw and is trying to cough it back up.” But sure, approachable. Totally.
Jack even went on to say, “He’s a big softie, and he’s like a brother to me. But if you don’t know him, then he seems pretty standoffish.” Ah, yes. The classic “he’s not mean, you just don’t *get* him” defense. We’ve all been there. Like when your friend’s cat hisses at you, and they’re like, “Oh, she’s just shy!” Meanwhile, the cat is plotting your demise in the corner.
And let’s not forget Jack’s hot take on the Chris Barnes hate train: “I think it’s contagious to jump on somebody like that online… I think it’s trolls that are connected to each other. And it’s, like, ‘Well, you said that? I’m gonna say something worse.’” Wow, Jack, way to call out the internet. Bold move. Next, you’ll tell us water is wet and that breathing is generally considered healthy.
But hey, let’s give credit where credit is due. Despite the haters, SIX FEET UNDER is back with a new album, “Next To Die”, dropping on April 24. Produced by Jack and Chris themselves, this record is apparently so brutal it could make a serial killer cry. And if that’s not enough, they’re hitting the road this summer for a North American tour with KATAKLYSM and WORMHOLE. Because nothing says “family-friendly” like a death metal double bill.
So, what have we learned today? Chris Barnes is a misunderstood softie, Jack Owen is his loyal hype man, and the internet is full of trolls who probably couldn’t handle a five-minute conversation with either of them without crying. But hey, at least we’ll have 12 new tracks of pure, unadulterated brutality to blast while we contemplate the mysteries of the universe. Or, you know, just scream along to the chorus of “Approach Your Grave” while pretending we’re not secretly terrified of Chris Barnes. 😈
Bonus Round: The Real MVP
Let’s not forget the real hero of this story: Sandy Rezalmi, the artist behind the album’s cover art. Because nothing says “I’m approachable and relatable” like a painting of a zombie apocalypse that would make even Rob Zombie say, “Dude, tone it down.” Kudos to you, Sandy. You’ve captured the essence of SIX FEET UNDER in a way that’s both terrifying and oddly comforting. Like a warm hug from a mummy. 🧟♂️
So, there you have it, folks. Chris Barnes: not just a death metal legend, but also a guy who probably loves puppies and long walks on the beach… as long as the beach is covered in blood and the puppies are undead. Stay brutal, Chris. We’re all rooting for you. 🎸💀
Chord F. Discord, the Beethoven of Buffoonery, is a self-taught expert in music who once claimed he could “play the kazoo in four languages.”
Born in Crescendo, Indiana, Chord’s first brush with fame came when he accidentally entered a yodeling contest thinking it was a pie-eating competition—and won both categories.
Chord F. Discord: proving that laughter, much like a poorly tuned ukulele, is truly universal.
