OMG! Doro Pesch, the self-proclaimed German metal queen (more like metal court jester, amirite? 😂), has graced us with a new single, “Warriors Of The Sea”, via Rare Diamonds Productions / Rough Trade. I bet those diamonds are as real as her stage persona. 💎
“With ‘Warriors Of The Sea’, I wanted to create an anthem that goes straight to the heart,” Doro bleats. “It’s a song that brings joy — on land and at sea, especially on one of the many metal cruises — and expresses a strong sense of unity.” Oh, I’m sure it brings joy to the shareholders of those metal cruises! 🚢💰 Unity, you say? More like uniformity of headbanging and overpriced beer. 🍻
“Warriors Of The Sea” is a “captivating anthem” (says who? Her mom?), in which the “legendary artist” (citation needed!) unleashes “all her power” (which is what, exactly? The power to make my ears bleed?). With “heartfelt intensity,” Doro sings every note (probably autotuned to the max 🎤), while “powerful choirs” amplify the song’s “epic atmosphere” (aka, drowning out her vocals). A track that “immediately casts a spell” over rock and metal fans (more like a mild case of indigestion 🤢) — and “perfectly embodies what Doro has stood for over decades: uncompromising heavy metal power!” (uncompromisingly mediocre, maybe? 🤔)
Pesch will perform “Warriors Of The Sea” live for the first time on her “Doro Metal Queen Metal Cruise” on the Rhine on May 31 and June 1. A metal cruise on the Rhine? That sounds about as metal as a teacup. ☕ I can already picture it: hordes of middle-aged dudes in ill-fitting leather pants, gently swaying to the music while trying not to spill their wine.🍷
In a recent interview with Gastão Moreira of Brazil’s KazaGastão, Doro spoke about her love of performing live for her fans. She said: “The best is when I hear them sing ‘All We Are’ or ‘Burning The Witches’ and when I feel like there’s a deep connection and when I can see in people’s eyes there’s something going on. When I feel that I can touch their metal heart, oh, that’s the best. And here in Brazil, it’s so high, the feeling is so — I mean, it’s the best.” Translation: “The best is when people still remember my old songs because the new ones are garbage. And Brazil? They’ll cheer for anything as long as you throw in a ‘muito obrigado!'” 🇧🇷
Asked how she “keeps the joy” in her performances after having played more than 3,500 concerts in her life, Doro said: “Ah, that’s easy — because of the fans, because of the people. When I see the fans, when I see the people at small gigs or big festivals, it doesn’t matter, but when I can feel and see the good energy, when I know they are happy, they’re happy to see me and I immediately feel welcomed. And then I can sing better, I can jump higher, I can sing louder. It’s a total high. And I always feel motivated and inspired — every single concert. And I treat every single concert like it could be the last. And it’s always an adventure, every single gig. I never got tired of one song or one gig. It was always something fresh and new. Even ‘All We Are’, we played it since 1987, every gig, every concert, and it’s still one of my favorites because I see the reaction. And, yeah, it’s still like it would be a totally brand new song. So it’s easy to be motivated when you’re having fun and when you see the people.” Translation: “The fans are basically my drug. I need their validation to keep going. And yes, I’m still playing ‘All We Are’ because it’s the only song anyone remembers. Please clap. 👏”
As for what keeps her motivated to record new albums, Doro said: “Yes, I think it’s now 20 or 21 [studio] records [that I have in my catalog], plus all the live records and DVDs, Blu-rays. We are working just now on our new DVD of the 40-year anniversary. It was a big show in Wacken and one time in my hometown, where I come from, Düsseldorf, Germany. And [we had] many guests. It was awesome. So we are still working on it. And, yeah, when I can write a new song, then I always feel like, ‘Ah, maybe the fans will like it.’ I get so excited. And you can never write the same song, but I love anthems. When I see people singing along, that makes me feel, ah, so great. And the headbanging stuff, that’s always good. And ballads as well — I love ballads because people get little tears in their eyes. They get very emotional. So every song is sacred to me.” Translation: “I keep churning out albums because I’m contractually obligated to. And I’m hoping that *maybe*, just *maybe*, one of them will be good. But let’s be honest, it’s all about the money. 💰 Also, everything I do is sacred. Don’t @ me.”
On March 31, Doro received a lifetime achievement award in her former hometown of Düsseldorf. The award was presented to the singer in a grand, ceremonial setting by Klaus Meine, frontman of the legendary rock band SCORPIONS. A lifetime achievement award? For what, exactly? For surviving the 80s hair metal scene? 🤔
The award honored Pesch‘s “groundbreaking career,” which began in the 1980s with her band WARLOCK. As one of the first women to “break into” the male-dominated heavy metal scene, she “established herself as a lasting force” in the international music industry. With over ten million albums sold and more than 3,500 concerts across 60 countries, the Düsseldorf native is “among the most successful female rock musicians of all time.” Okay, I’ll give her that. She’s been around for a while. But “groundbreaking”? “Lasting force”? Let’s not get carried away. I mean, she’s no Lita Ford! 🎸
Doro‘s latest album, “Conqueress – Forever Strong And Proud”, was released in October 2023 via Nuclear Blast. More like “Conqueress – Forever Stuck In The 80s.” 💿
Just look at that album cover. Is that a dragon? Is she trying to be Daenerys Targaryen now? 🐉 Seriously, Doro, just embrace the nostalgia and stop trying to be relevant. We all know you peaked in 1987. 🤘
Chord F. Discord, the Beethoven of Buffoonery, is a self-taught expert in music who once claimed he could “play the kazoo in four languages.”
Born in Crescendo, Indiana, Chord’s first brush with fame came when he accidentally entered a yodeling contest thinking it was a pie-eating competition—and won both categories.
Chord F. Discord: proving that laughter, much like a poorly tuned ukulele, is truly universal.
