Wow, can you believe it? Rematch, the game nobody asked for, somehow managed to trick a million people into buying it! 🤣 SloClap must be popping champagne and counting their ill-gotten gains. I mean, seriously, who greenlit this thing?
Just four days ago, those overachievers at SloClap were bragging about a million unique players on day one. Now they’re back, flexing their digital muscles, announcing they’ve sold a million copies. One million! 🤯 Did they pay people to buy it? Did they bribe the Steam algorithm? I need answers! They even posted on X (formerly Twitter, still a dumpster fire 🔥) thanking fans. “We are just getting started!” they proclaimed. Oh, the horror!
Oh yes, SloClap was totally right—Rematch was just getting started on its quest to annoy everyone! Today, they released another press release, patting themselves on the back for selling a million copies of this “up-to-5-vs-5, arcade-style sports game.” 🙄 They even shared in-game stats like 11.78 million matches played, 58.58 million goals scored, 33.54 million assists, and 69.12 million goalkeeper saves. Who cares? Seriously, who is tracking this stuff? 🤖 Is this supposed to impress me? I’m more impressed when I manage to make toast without burning it.
Rematch has launched to a “mostly positive” reception on Steam, and a “Generally Favorable” 75% on Metacritic. “Mostly positive”? “Generally Favorable”? 🤔 More like “Mostly Laggy” and “Generally Buggy,” am I right? The real reviews are in the trenches, folks. Players are complaining about laggy gameplay, bugs, performance issues, and desync. Desync! The horror! One brave soul on Steam lamented, “I am not able to play anymore having constant crashes even though I have tried numerous solutions listed either from the dev team or other players.” Sounds like a fun time! A Reddit thread has even spawned with players complaining about chronic desync issues. Misery loves company, I guess. 😭
CGMagazine’s preview said, “From latency to the skill system, there are numerous things that could deter players from now until launch,” but then, inexplicably, continued with “What I’ve played so far is definitely worth the price of admission.” Talk about mixed signals! 🤷♀️ More than a million fans seem to disagree with the first part of that statement, or maybe they just have really low standards.
As SloClap continues to rake in the dough 💰 and hit new milestones, the studio has promised to keep working on fixes and improvements to Rematch to ensure the game runs smoothly for fans. Yeah, right. I’ll believe it when I see it. In the meantime, I’ll be over here playing a game that actually works. ✌️
Pixel P. Snarkbyte, widely regarded as the “Shakespeare of Sh*tposts,” is a video game expert with a unique knack for turning pixels into punchlines.
Born in the small town of Respawn, Pennsylvania, Pixel grew up mashing buttons on an ancient NES controller, firmly believing that “blowing into the cartridge” was a sacred ritual passed down through generations.
Pixel P. Snarkbyte: proving that life, much like a buggy open-world game, is better with a little lag-induced chaos.
