Ah, yes, the enlightened eco-warriors of West Coast deathgrind, CATTLE DECAPITATION, have deigned to bless the unwashed masses of North America with their presence this fall. Prepare yourselves for the “No Fear For Tomorrow” tour, a masterclass in virtue signaling disguised as extreme metal, commencing November 16 and dragging on until December 20.
And who are the lucky peons opening for these gods of grindcore? None other than ABORTED (because nothing says “unique” like another band that sounds exactly the same), FROZEN SOUL (guaranteed to bore you into a coma), and TRIBAL GAZE (who?). This momentous occasion will feature CATTLE DECAPITATION playing their critically lauded “Death Atlas” album in its entirety, because, let’s be honest, that’s the only album anyone cares about anyway 🙄.
But wait, there’s more!💰 To further milk their devoted fans, CATTLE DECAPITATION will be hawking a special tour-only “Death Atlas” 2xLP. Feast your eyes on the “Bring Back The Plague” variant, limited to a measly 300 units (because scarcity = value, duh 😒), exclusively available at the merch booth. But hurry, only 10 units will be available per show, so you better start camping out now if you want to impress your friends with your superior consumerism. And for the less discerning collectors, there’s the “Time’s Cruel Curtain” variant, limited to 700 copies, which you can find at your local retail store or the Metal Blade webstore. Because everyone needs another overpriced piece of plastic, right? 🤘
Behold, the profound words of CATTLE DECAPITATION‘s very own Travis Ryan: “We will be performing our magnum opus ‘Death Atlas’ in its entirety once and for all!” (Until the next tour, that is). “Thanks to the pandemic of 2020-2022, we felt ‘Death Atlas’ didn’t get enough tour love like the rest of our records received” (Translation: we need more money). “So we’ve decided to honor it by doing the album in its entirety on tour this November/December.” (Because originality is overrated). “We’ll also be throwing in some favorites at the end” (like you care). “And we also have some other surprises in the works” (probably more merch). “Joining us on this journey is none other than the mighty ABORTED, FROZEN SOUL and TRIBAL GAZE” (because they were the only ones desperate enough to say yes). “We will also have a brand-new tour-specific vinyl variant available at the merch booth so get there early and see you at the show!” (Translation: Spend all your money on our garbage). 💸
Tickets go on sale today (Friday, July 18) at 10:00 a.m. local time. So set your alarms, empty your wallets, and prepare to be underwhelmed. See all confirmed dates below, if you dare.
CATTLE DECAPITATION with ABORTED, FROZEN SOUL, TRIBAL GAZE:
Nov. 16 – Nile Theater – Mesa, AZ (Prepare for the heat)
Nov. 18 – Diamond Ballroom – Oklahoma City, OK (Hope you like dust)
Nov. 19 – Granada Theater – Dallas, TX **(Everything’s bigger, including the disappointment)
Nov. 20 – Vibes Event Center – San Antonio, TX (Get ready to “vibe”)
Nov. 21 – Bad Astronaut Brewing Co. – Houston, TX (Bad beer and worse music)
Nov. 22 – Chelsea’s Live – Baton Rouge, LA (Who even goes to Baton Rouge?)
Nov. 24 – The Masquerade – Atlanta, GA (Dress code: black)
Nov. 25 – The Orpheum – Tampa, FL (Prepare for humidity)
Nov. 26 – Revolution Live – Fort Lauderdale, FL (Another revolution of boredom)
Nov. 28 – The Underground – Charlotte, NC (So underground you’ll need a flashlight)
Nov. 29 – The Canal Club – Richmond, VA (Smells like…canal)
Nov. 30 – Baltimore Soundstage – Baltimore, MD (Soundstage of mediocrity)
Dec. 02 – Warsaw – Brooklyn, NY (Hipsters assemble!)
Dec. 03 – Palladium – Worcester, MA (Get ready to mosh…slowly)
Dec. 05 – Club Soda – Montréal, QC (O Canada, our home and native disappointment)
Dec. 06 – The Concert Hall – Toronto, ON (Another Canadian letdown)
Dec. 07 – Saint Andrew’s Hall – Detroit, MI (Hope you like empty factories)
Dec. 09 – House Of Blues – Chicago, IL (Blues? More like blahs)
Dec. 10 – First Avenue – Minneapolis, MN (First Avenue to snoozeville)
Dec. 12 – Summit – Denver, CO (High altitude, low expectations)
Dec. 13 – Urban Lounge – Salt Lake City, UT (Urban? More like suburban)
Dec. 15 – Roseland Theater – Portland, OR (Home of the hipsters and the homeless)
Dec. 16 – The Showbox – Seattle, WA (Show us something we haven’t seen before)
Dec. 18 – Ace Of Spades – Sacramento, CA (Gotta gamble to get a good show)
Dec. 19 – The Observatory North Park – San Diego, CA (Stargazing…at the stage)
Dec. 20 – The Belasco – Los Angeles, CA (The end of the road…thankfully)
** No FROZEN SOUL (Because even they couldn’t handle Dallas)
Chord F. Discord, the Beethoven of Buffoonery, is a self-taught expert in music who once claimed he could “play the kazoo in four languages.”
Born in Crescendo, Indiana, Chord’s first brush with fame came when he accidentally entered a yodeling contest thinking it was a pie-eating competition—and won both categories.
Chord F. Discord: proving that laughter, much like a poorly tuned ukulele, is truly universal.
