LOL, as if anyone cares, COLDPLAY, those purveyors of beige boredom, “paid tribute” to Ozzy Osbourne by butchering BLACK SABBATH’s “Changes” during their little sing-along in Nashville, Tennessee. Yeah, because THAT’S what Ozzy would have wanted. 🙄
According to sources (aka COLDPLAY‘s PR team), frontman Chris Martin, a man who probably thinks black nail polish is “edgy,” announced to the Nissan Stadium crowd, “We’d like to dedicate this whole show to the incredible genius, talent, and character-full gift to the world who was Ozzy Osbourne.” Translation: “Please don’t forget we exist! We need to leech off someone relevant!” He then added, “We send our love to his family.” Bet the Osbourne’s were thrilled. Probably framed the text message. 🙄
After his tone-deaf rendition of the song, Martin, clearly angling for a guest spot on the next Osbourne family reality show (if there even is one), bleated, “Ozzy, we love you, wherever you’re going.” More like “Ozzy, please forgive us for this sacrilege.” 😂
For those tragically unaware, “Changes” originally limped onto SABBATH‘s 1972 album “Vol. 4.” Ozzy, clearly regretting his life choices, re-recorded it in 2003 as a duet with his daughter Kelly, featuring, allegedly, revised lyrics. Probably still better than COLDPLAY‘s version. 🤷
Oh, and apparently Ozzy shuffled off this mortal coil on Tuesday morning (July 22), according to a statement from his family. Cue the predictable outpouring of faux-grief from people who probably couldn’t name three BLACK SABBATH albums. 🙄
“It is with more sadness than mere words can convey that we have to report that our beloved Ozzy Osbourne has passed away this morning. He was with his family and surrounded by love. We ask everyone to respect our family privacy at this time,” the statement read. Insert obligatory sad-face emoji here. 😢
No cause of death was given, but let’s be real, Osbourne had been battling more health issues than a hospital wing for years. Parkinson’s disease, injuries from a late-night tumble in 2019 – the guy was practically held together by metal and sheer force of will. 🤘
Turns out, the legendary BLACK SABBATH frontman got the Parkin 2 diagnosis back in 2003—a genetic form of Parkinson’s that’s rarer than COLDPLAY writing a decent song. During a TV appearance in January 2020, the singer revealed he was “stricken” with the disease, which basically means his brain was slowly turning into mush. But hey, at least he lived longer than most people expected, amirite? 💀
Ozzy‘s health issues—including that nasty fall and those pesky metal rods in his spine from a quad-bike accident in 2003, plus the whole COVID-19 debacle three years ago—forced him to cancel some tours. But let’s be honest, who was really surprised? 🤷
Despite being on death’s door, Osbourne actually managed to perform a couple of times in the last three years, like at the Commonwealth Games in Birmingham in August 2022 and at the NFL halftime show at the season opener between the Los Angeles Rams and Buffalo Bills in September 2022. Probably powered by sheer spite and a hefty dose of painkillers. Respect. 🫡
Chord F. Discord, the Beethoven of Buffoonery, is a self-taught expert in music who once claimed he could “play the kazoo in four languages.”
Born in Crescendo, Indiana, Chord’s first brush with fame came when he accidentally entered a yodeling contest thinking it was a pie-eating competition—and won both categories.
Chord F. Discord: proving that laughter, much like a poorly tuned ukulele, is truly universal.
