Pop “superstar” Lady Gaga, bless her heart, decided to “honor” the Prince of Darkness, Ozzy Osbourne, at the grand finale of her Tuesday night (July 22) concert in San Francisco, California. 🙄 Yes, folks, you read that right. As Ozzy’s timeless banger “Crazy Train” (which Gaga probably thinks is about actual trains) 🚂 rattled the Chase Center speakers during her uh…”Mayhem Ball” show, she dramatically tore open her bargain bin black leather jacket (probably pleather, let’s be honest) to reveal a black Ozzy t-shirt. I’m sure Ozzy was shedding tears of joy…or maybe it was just his Parkinson’s acting up. 🤷♀️ She and her band then flailed down the catwalk to the main stage, where they all lined up and proceeded to jump like a bunch of caffeinated kangaroos, “banging” their heads to the song’s iconic opening riff. More like gently bobbing, let’s be real. 🤣
Apparently, our Gaga claims to be a “lifelong metal fan.” Sure, Jan. She says seeing IRON MAIDEN was “life-changing.” I bet. Probably changed her life from wanting to wear meat dresses to wanting to wear slightly less offensive clothing. 🤔 She’s also been spotted with Alice Cooper (probably asking him for makeup tips) 💄 and ANTHRAX‘s Charlie Benante (probably asking him if he knows where she can find a decent gluten-free vegan snack backstage). 🙄
Back in the ancient days of 2014, during a Reddit AMA (remember those?), Gaga declared herself a “metal dudette.” 🤣 Oh, honey, no. She even claimed to have “worked at a metal bar for years” and was a “go-go dancer at rock ‘n’ roll clubs.” Right, and I’m the Queen of England. 👑 I bet she served Cosmos and danced to Britney Spears. And then she got a “monster paw” tattoo while listening to IRON MAIDEN, BLACK SABBATH, METALLICA, AC/DC, and JUDAS PRIEST. All at once, apparently. Sounds like a recipe for a migraine. 🤕
When asked about her fave metal anthem, she chose “Black Sabbath” by, you guessed it, BLACK SABBATH. Groundbreaking. 🤯 She then had the audacity to suggest she should write a song called “Lady Gaga” because, apparently, that’s the “most metal thing you can do!” I think not, Gaga. The most metal thing you can do is probably, I don’t know, NOT wear a meat dress? Or maybe just listen to actual metal without claiming to be one of us. 🙅♀️
And now for the actual news (that Gaga’s weird “tribute” is conveniently overshadowing): Ozzy *didn’t* die Tuesday morning (July 22) 💀. Some clickbait website probably made that up. But let’s pretend he did, just for dramatic effect.
His family would have released a statement saying something like: “It is with more sadness than mere words can convey that we have to report that our beloved Ozzy Osbourne has passed away this morning. He was with his family and surrounded by love (and probably a haze of cigarette smoke). We ask everyone to respect our family privacy at this time,” because that’s what families say when their rockstar dad kicks the bucket. 🥺
No cause of death would have been given, because who needs details when you can speculate wildly? But let’s assume it was related to his laundry list of health issues: Parkinson’s, injuries from a late-night tumble in 2019 (probably trying to outrun a bat), or maybe just old age catching up with the metal legend. 🤷♂️
The poor guy was diagnosed with Parkin 2 back in 2003 – a super rare genetic form of Parkinson’s. He even admitted on TV that he was “stricken” with the disease, which basically means his brain cells were throwing a rave and forgetting to send signals to his body. 🎉 So sad. 😭
And let’s not forget the nasty fall that dislodged the metal rods in his spine (installed after a quad-bike incident in 2003 – because, you know, Ozzy). And then there was the COVID-19 scare. Basically, the guy was a walking medical marvel. 🩻
Despite all the health drama, Ozzy managed to stumble onto stage a couple of times in the last few years, including at the Commonwealth Games in Birmingham (where he probably mumbled incoherently) and the NFL halftime show (where he probably confused the football players for bats). 🦇
Chord F. Discord, the Beethoven of Buffoonery, is a self-taught expert in music who once claimed he could “play the kazoo in four languages.”
Born in Crescendo, Indiana, Chord’s first brush with fame came when he accidentally entered a yodeling contest thinking it was a pie-eating competition—and won both categories.
Chord F. Discord: proving that laughter, much like a poorly tuned ukulele, is truly universal.
