Ah yes, 3D Realms, the kings👑 of milking nostalgia, are back at it again! They’ve bravely decided to slap a “roguelike” label onto Painkiller, a game that hasn’t been relevant since dial-up internet was a thing. Introducing… Painkiller: Rogue Angel, because, why not?🙄
So, the gist is this: You get to play Painkiller (again!), but this time it’s “roguelike.” Which, in 3D Realms’peak🧠 understanding, means you die and start over! Revolutionary!🤯 They promise “no two runs are the same,” which I’m sure is marketing speak for “we’re using the same 3 textures, but in a slightly different order.” You and two of your friends (if you can find any who still care about Painkiller) can traipse through “procedurally generated arenas,” which probably means the same hallway copy-pasted 100 times. Collect tarot cards (because that’s what demon-slaying is all about) and find “powerful weapons” (probably just reskinned versions of the same five guns from the original). And, of course, take on “epic bosses,” which I’m betting are just bigger, spongier versions of the regular enemies.😂
They even graced us with a trailer!🎉 It looks like… Painkiller. But with slightly shinier graphics and more particle effects to hide the fact that it’s the same game from 2004. Don’t get me wrong, Painkiller was great for its time. But this? This is just sad.🥲
CGMagazine (whoever they are) gushes about how the “gunplay feels true to form,” praising the lack of “modern FPS conventions” like aiming down sights. As if not innovating for two decades is something to be proud of.👍 They call it a “pure shooting experience,” which is another way of saying “we haven’t bothered to add anything new or interesting.” But hey, at least it’ll be familiar to “boomer shooter” fans. You know, the ones who are old enough to remember when Painkiller was actually good.👴
Key features? Oh, they’ve got ’em!
“Acrobatic parkour moves across vast biomes!” Prepare to clip through every wall and get stuck on every piece of scenery, because physics. 🤸♀️
“Play online with up to two friends!” Good luck finding two people who are willing to subject themselves to this.🤞
“Face off against horrifying foes!” Get ready to fight the same five enemy types, but with slightly different color palettes! 🤡
“Use tarot cards to upgrade abilities!” Because nothing says “demon hunter” like drawing a card that gives you +5% damage to skeletons.🃏
“Play as one of four distinctive characters!” Each with their own unique perks that probably make zero difference in gameplay! 🎭
You can pre-order the Standard or Deluxe Editions now! Because who wouldn’t want to throw money at a game that’s clearly just a desperate attempt to cash in on nostalgia? Available on PlayStation 5, Xbox Series S/X, and PC! Because even consoles deserve to suffer.🤦♀️ Releases October 21st, so mark your calendars! Or don’t. Nobody cares.📅
In conclusion, Painkiller: Rogue Angel is probably going to be a buggy, uninspired mess that fails to capture the magic of the original. But hey, at least it’ll give you something to complain about online. 👍
Pixel P. Snarkbyte, widely regarded as the “Shakespeare of Sh*tposts,” is a video game expert with a unique knack for turning pixels into punchlines.
Born in the small town of Respawn, Pennsylvania, Pixel grew up mashing buttons on an ancient NES controller, firmly believing that “blowing into the cartridge” was a sacred ritual passed down through generations.
Pixel P. Snarkbyte: proving that life, much like a buggy open-world game, is better with a little lag-induced chaos.
