Ah, Dragon Quest VII, the game that promised adventure and delivered… eventual boredom 😴. Back in 2001, I thought I was hot stuff, ready to tackle this epic quest because Akira Toriyama drew the characters (like he drew everything back then). I mean, Dragon Ball? 🔥 Peak character design. But let’s be real, even with those sweet Dragon Ball aesthetics, the game was slower than a snail 🐌 in molasses. I couldn’t even finish it. Adolescent me had the attention span of a goldfish 🐠, blaming it on “bloated pacing” and “busywork.” Yeah, sure, that’s why I rage-quit.
Fast forward to Dragon Quest VII Reimagined being announced, and suddenly, it’s destiny calling me back? 😂 Square Enix offering me a sneak peek? Of course, I jumped at it! Free game, duh. Two decades of “innovation” on a game I barely remember? Sign me up! Turns out, Dragon Quest VII Reimagined delivers exactly what they promised: a prettier version of the same game. They “reimagined” it alright – with shinier graphics and improvements that make it… slightly less boring? It’s like putting lipstick 💄 on a pig 🐷. But hey, at least the pig is wearing lipstick now.
I got dumped into the Wetlock part of the story. Seriously, Wetlock? 😂 Who comes up with these names? Anyway, I went to test the battle system, and holy moly, they actually show your party members on screen now! It’s like they finally figured out what EarthBound did decades ago. Progress! 🥳
“Dragon Quest VII Reimagined delivers exactly what was promised.”
Yeah, a slightly prettier version of a game that was already kinda boring. They slapped some Echoes of an Elusive Age graphics on it, and now it’s like, “Wow, look at those combat animations!” I mean, sure, it’s nice to see Aishe get auras when she buffs, but is that really worth the price of admission? 🤔 The UI is cleaner, but let’s be honest, the bar was pretty low to begin with.
They even made real-life dolls and scanned them into the game! Talk about dedication… or maybe just a severe lack of anything better to do. The environments are diorama-style, which is fancy talk for “looks like a toy set.” But hey, it’s colorful! 🌈 Dragon Quest VII Reimagined looks “damn good,” if you’re into that sort of thing. And you can see enemies before you fight them, so you can run away from the boredom!🏃
So, I stayed at the inn in Wetlock (still laughing at that name), and some bard showed up, hypnotized everyone, and kidnapped them. Aishe was all, “That’s an insult!” 😂 Girl, you’re getting kidnapped! Focus! But we followed him through the portal because that’s what heroes do, right?
Seriously though, the “storybook aesthetic” is pretty. The colors are striking, and the soundtrack is… there. Is it enough to make me forget the original’s sins? 🤔 Probably not, but it’s a nice try. Each scene feels “stronger” because of the visuals, which is like saying a turd smells better because it’s covered in glitter.✨
The quality-of-life changes are… okay. The menus are easier to read, and they tell you what the attacks do! Revolutionary! 🎉 No more guessing which Frizz variant hits all the enemies! And you can switch vocations instantly! No more trips to Alltrades Abbey! It’s like they actually listened to complaints from 20 years ago. Only took them two decades. 🤦
Pixel P. Snarkbyte, widely regarded as the “Shakespeare of Sh*tposts,” is a video game expert with a unique knack for turning pixels into punchlines.
Born in the small town of Respawn, Pennsylvania, Pixel grew up mashing buttons on an ancient NES controller, firmly believing that “blowing into the cartridge” was a sacred ritual passed down through generations.
Pixel P. Snarkbyte: proving that life, much like a buggy open-world game, is better with a little lag-induced chaos.
