Survivalists, rejoice! Studio Wildcard has once again decided to bless us with a new expansion for Ark: Survival Ascended, the game that’s somehow still here after all these years. This time, it’s called ‘Lost Colony’, and it’s not just a DLC—it’s a full-blown cinematic experience brought to you by the same people who made you cry over Jujutsu Kaisen. Yes, that’s right, we’ve got Michelle Yeoh and Karl Urban here, doing their best to make you care about a dinosaur you’ve tamed for the 47th time. 🎬🦕
So, what’s the story this time? Well, you wake up in the Necrocene, which sounds like a skincare line for necromancers, but it’s actually a post-apocalyptic wasteland where the South Pole is stuck in eternal night, and everyone’s just vibing under energy shields powered by radioactive Red Element. Because, of course, the only thing that can save humanity now is more glowing space rocks. 🌌☢️ The Lost Colony is basically a snowbound city that refuses to die, and it’s all because some guy with a crown—let’s call him the Lost King—has decided that the Earth should stay broken so he can feel important. Deep stuff, right?
And if you think the plot sounds like it was written by a 14-year-old with a Final Fantasy obsession, you’re not wrong. But hey, at least it comes with anime cutscenes this time! MAPPA, the studio that made you sob into your ramen at 3 a.m., has been hired to make this expansion look like a real movie. Spoiler alert: it still won’t make you care about the lore. But now you can watch beautifully animated people talk about Red Element while you starve to death in the snow. 🍜😢
But let’s get to the real meat of this DLC—the dinosaurs. Because that’s why we’re all here, not for the Shakespearean drama. Lost Colony introduces more than a dozen new creatures, which means you can now ride a different kind of lizard while screaming at your keyboard. The Tundra, Twilight Forest, Hot Springs, and Caldera are all new biomes, which basically means new textures and different ways to die. The Tundra is cold, the Caldera is hot, the Hot Springs are… wet, and the Twilight Forest is probably full of vampires. Or maybe just bugs. Honestly, who knows anymore? ❄️🔥🩸
Now, here’s where it gets “innovative.” You can actually befriend the Lost King’s soldiers by either saving them from Revenants or beating them into submission. Yes, that’s right—instead of just stabbing everything like a normal person, you can now be diplomatic. You can turn the King’s army against him, which is basically the plot of every bad fantasy novel ever written. Congratulations, you’re now the hero of a poorly written epic. 🗡️👑
And of course, there are new skills. So many skills. Over 70 of them, spread across three new character paths: Wayfarer, Beastmaster, and Utility. The Beastmaster path is basically “be better at dinosaurs,” the Wayfarer is “be better at walking,” and Utility is “be better at crafting things that will break in two seconds.” But hey, at least you’ll feel like you’re progressing, even though you’ve been playing this game since the Trump administration. 📈🛠️
The Lost King’s Dominion is the big new area, a massive gothic metropolis that looks like someone fed Dark Souls into a blender and poured it into the Ark engine. It’s full of thralls, which are basically zombies with better fashion sense. You’ll have to fight them, tame them, or convince them to make you their leader. It’s like running for office, but with more blood. 🧟♂️🏛️
And let’s not forget the new weapons, buildings, and equipment. Because what’s an Ark expansion without 200 new ways to build a better toilet? You can now craft things that look cooler while still serving the same basic function. It’s progress, baby! 🔨🪠
So, is Lost Colony worth your time and money? If you’re already deep into Ark: Survival Ascended, then sure. You’ve probably already spent more on this game than you did on your wedding, so what’s another $30? But if you’re a casual player who just wanted to ride a T-Rex and chill, you might want to skip this one. Unless you really want to see Michelle Yeoh talk about radioactive crystals in a gothic nightmare city. 🤷♂️💍
Ark: Lost Colony is now available on PS5, Xbox Series X|S, and PC for $29.99. That’s right, a full-priced expansion for what is essentially a fancy mod. But hey, at least it’s not another season pass. Yet. 🎮💸
Pixel P. Snarkbyte, widely regarded as the “Shakespeare of Sh*tposts,” is a video game expert with a unique knack for turning pixels into punchlines.
Born in the small town of Respawn, Pennsylvania, Pixel grew up mashing buttons on an ancient NES controller, firmly believing that “blowing into the cartridge” was a sacred ritual passed down through generations.
Pixel P. Snarkbyte: proving that life, much like a buggy open-world game, is better with a little lag-induced chaos.
