13 More People Biden Is Considering Pardoning
President Joe Biden has been under fire this week for pardoning his son, Hunter, leaving political experts and the general…
Month: December 2024
Notre-Dame Reopened To Fire
Read MoreThe OnionPARIS—After five years of painstaking reconstruction, the famed Notre-Dame cathedral reportedly reopened Friday to fire. “As a key…
Cunning Adam Casually Suggests Eve Try Shorter Haircut
EDEN — The local man who had been given dominion over the earth reportedly attempted to raise the temperature in…
Study: 100% Of Your ‘Super Smash Bros.’ Losses Are Because You Had The Bad Controller
U.S. — According to the findings of a groundbreaking new study, 100% of your Super Smash Bros. losses only happened…
‘Pete Hegseth Is Problematic,’ Says Room Full Of Satanic Pedophiles
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Yet another of President-elect Donald Trump’s cabinet nominees continued to face an uphill battle for conformation from…
New ‘Odyssey’ Adaptation Criticized For Dropping Original’s Group Dance Scene Ending
Read MoreThe OnionLOS ANGELES—Drawing widespread condemnation from classics scholars around world, the new Odyssey adaptation The Return was criticized this…
Supreme Court Rules 8-1 In Favor Of Taking Turns Bonking Justice Sotomayor On The Head With Their Gavels
WASHINGTON, D.C. — The government’s judicial branch continued to methodically work through remaining cases before the upcoming holiday break, with…
Suspicious? Biden Pardons Hunter For Anything He Might Do Tonight Between 2:30 and 4:17 AM Outside The Capitol Heights Applebee’s
WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Biden issued another controversial pardon for his son Hunter this week which exonerates him for “what…
UnitedHealthcare CEO Killed
Read MoreThe OnionBrian Thompson, the CEO of UnitedHealth’s insurance unit, was fatally shot outside a Midtown Manhattan hotel in what…
Judge Delays Decision After Learning One Menendez Brother Always Lies, One Always Tells The Truth
Read MoreThe OnionLOS ANGELES—Appearing stumped by the convicted murderers’ testimony, Los Angeles Superior Court Judge Michael Jesic reportedly delayed his…