Every Single Human Behavior Now Classified As Autism Or ADHD
U.S. — Secretary of Health and Human Services Xavier Becerra announced in a press conference Thursday that, going forward, every…
Month: December 2024
‘Cryptocurrency Is Stupid,’ Says Nerd Without Mega Yacht
LOS ANGELES, CA — Local loser Melvin Thompson, who apparently has no desire to own a billion-dollar mega yacht, declared…
🐻 Denuvo Goes Missing: Gamers, Teddy Bears, and a Toy Heist in Indiana Jones and the Great Circle! 🎮
In an unprecedented twist of events, Bethesda’s upcoming Indiana Jones and the Great Circle will be free of the notorious…
Hospital Sends Man Home With Loaner Dad While His Worked On
Read MoreThe OnionSEATTLE—Saying the amenity was meant to ease any inconvenience caused by the disruption to his daily routine, Harborview…
Daniel Penny Jury Deliberations Delayed Due To Three Jurors Being Severely Beaten On Subway Ride To Courthouse
NEW YORK CITY — Jury deliberations in the trial of Daniel Penny were delayed this afternoon after three of the…
Cherished Pet Lives On As WiFi Password
MONTROSE, OH — Despite her passing, local family pet “Miss Dixie” continues to live on as the WiFi password for…
🎸 British Band Sports Team Robbed at Gunpoint in Sunny California — Welcome to America!
The six-piece London-based indie rock band Sports Team had a rude awakening to the American Dream just ten minutes into…
Standing Desk Celebrates 4th Year At Lowest Possible Setting
Read MoreThe OnionThe post Standing Desk Celebrates 4th Year At Lowest Possible Setting appeared first on The Onion.
To Increase Excitement, MLB To Allow Each Team To Call In One Tactical Air Strike Per Game
NEW YORK, NY — In addition to exploring the use of a “golden at-bat” in which teams could send their…
Trump Announces Plan To Annex Canada And Rename It ‘Gay North Dakota’
PALM BEACH, FL — In his most impactful promise yet in the lead-up to being inaugurated in January, President-elect Donald…