Ah, Ubisoft Toronto, bless their hearts. 🙄 They’re opening their doors for Doors Open Toronto to celebrate… wait for it… *15 YEARS* of “game development excellence.” 🤣 Is that what we’re calling it these days? I thought it was 15 years of recycled IPs, downgraded graphics, and microtransactions galore. But hey, who am I to judge? Maybe they’ll let us see the algorithm that decides how many towers to put in the next *Assassin’s Creed* game. 🤷♂️
So, Ubisoft Toronto, nestled in the *same building* that once housed CGMagazine (who?), is having a birthday party. 🎉 And by party, I mean they’re letting the unwashed masses traipse through their hallowed halls during Doors Open Toronto. Prepare to be amazed by the sheer audacity of a corporation trying to appear “community-focused” after years of, well, you know… being a corporation. They want you, the average Joe and Jane Gamer, to witness the “creative heart” of franchises like *Far Cry 6* (yawn), *Watch Dogs: Legion* (remember that?), and the perpetually-in-development *Splinter Cell* Remake (which, let’s be honest, will probably be another disappointment). Don’t forget *Star Wars Outlaws*, which is probably going to be filled with woke nonsense 🤦♂️.
The pièce de résistance? The Performance Capture Studio! A whopping 12,000 square feet of… actors in pajamas flailing around? I’m sure it’s very impressive, but I’m more interested in seeing the room where they decide how to monetize every single pixel of their games. 🤔 Maybe they’ll even give us a sneak peek at the next season pass! 🤩 Imagine the possibilities! New hats! New emotes! New ways to empty your wallet! 🤑
Darryl Long, managing director at Ubisoft Toronto (who I’m sure is a very nice person), is “thrilled” to be celebrating. Of course he is! It’s a PR opportunity disguised as a community event. He’s “proud” to be part of Ontario’s “growth and success.” I bet he is. He’s “looking forward to sharing” their “creative space.” I’m sure the employees are thrilled to have random people gawking at their desks while they’re trying to meet impossible deadlines. He “can’t wait” for us to experience the “magic.” The magic of crunch time and corporate greed? Sign me up! 😈
But wait, there’s more! This isn’t just about Ubisoft’s achievements (or lack thereof, depending on who you ask). It’s also about their “ongoing commitment to nurturing local talent.” Translation: finding cheap labor to churn out more mediocre games. They have “signature programs” and “partnerships” and all sorts of feel-good initiatives designed to make them look like the good guys. Don’t be fooled! It’s all smoke and mirrors! 🦹♂️
And because one event isn’t enough, Narrative Director Navid Khavari (who probably has some *very* interesting stories to tell) will be participating in a panel discussion at the MaRS Discovery District. The topic? “The cultural significance of video games.” I’m sure he’ll have plenty to say about how Ubisoft is single-handedly elevating the medium to new heights of artistic expression. 🙄 Or maybe he’ll just talk about how much money they’re making. Who knows? 🤷♀️
Doors Open Toronto is celebrating its 25th year of… opening doors. 🎉 And Ubisoft Toronto is participating to show how “deeply rooted” they are in the community. Because nothing says “community” like a multinational corporation headquartered in France. They want to show the “power of imagination, collaboration, and homegrown talent.” Which is ironic, considering most of their games are based on tired formulas and outsourced assets. 🤦♀️
So, if you’re “eager” to see the “wizardry” behind the games, head on down to Ubisoft Toronto on May 24th and 25th. Just don’t expect to see any actual wizards. You’ll probably just see a bunch of computers and stressed-out developers. But hey, at least you can say you saw the place where *Far Cry 7* is being meticulously crafted to be exactly the same as *Far Cry 3*, but with slightly better graphics. 👍
Pixel P. Snarkbyte, widely regarded as the “Shakespeare of Sh*tposts,” is a video game expert with a unique knack for turning pixels into punchlines.
Born in the small town of Respawn, Pennsylvania, Pixel grew up mashing buttons on an ancient NES controller, firmly believing that “blowing into the cartridge” was a sacred ritual passed down through generations.
Pixel P. Snarkbyte: proving that life, much like a buggy open-world game, is better with a little lag-induced chaos.
