Oh, Netflix, you haven’t canceled enough shows lately? Apparently, they held some “Tudum” event – sounds like a toddler’s attempt at a drum solo 🥁 – to unveil their grand plans for the next year. Prepare yourselves for more content that you’ll binge for a week and then completely forget about. It’s a vicious cycle, really. Let’s dive into the “exciting updates,” shall we?
1. Stranger Things Season Five: More Like *Stranger Things I Wish Would End* 🙄
So, the saga of Eleven and her perpetually distressed friends is finally wrapping up… in three separate installments, because why give us closure all at once? Volume 1 drops on November 26, Volume 2 on December 25 (Merry Christmas! Here’s some more angst!), and the grand finale on December 31 (Happy New Year! Still stuck in the Upside Down!). The description Netflix graced us with? “The fall of 1987. Hawkins is scarred.” Yeah, and so are our brains after watching five seasons of this. Find Vecna? More like find a decent plot twist. 🙄
2. Squid Game Season Three: The Final Cash Grab 💰
Apparently, they haven’t squeezed every last drop of despair and questionable morals out of this series yet. *Squid Game* Season Three, aka “The Final Games” (until they inevitably reboot it), will be available on June 27. The creator promises it will focus on Gi-hun’s post-traumatic stress. Oh, joy! More existential dread in vibrant colors! Can’t wait to see how they manage to ruin this one further. 🙃
3. Wednesday Season Two: Because We Didn’t Get Enough Teenage Angst the First Time 🖤
Netflix is blessing us with more of Jenna Ortega’s deadpan stares. The first six minutes of the trailer are already out (spoiler alert: it’s probably just Wednesday being sarcastic). The first episodes will drop August 6, followed by more on September 3. And get this: Lady Gaga is guest-starring as Rosaline Rotwood. Because nothing says “edgy teen drama” like a pop superstar. 🤡
4. Happy Gilmore 2: A Sequel No One Asked For 🏌️♂️
Nearly 30 years after the original, Adam Sandler is back to yell at golf balls. *Happy Gilmore 2* is hitting Netflix on July 25. Prepare for more slapstick comedy and early 90s nostalgia that probably hasn’t aged well. Also, a bunch of pro golfers will be featured. Because nothing says “comedy” like watching people who are good at golf try to act. 😴
5. Wake Up Dead Man: A Knives Out Mystery: More Murder, More Mayhem 🔪
Rian Johnson is back with another installment of the *Knives Out* series. This time, Benoit Blanc is facing his “most dangerous case yet.” Ooh, mysterious! Daniel Craig is back, along with a whole host of other famous people. It’s like a game of “spot the celebrity.” Catch it on Netflix starting December 12, if you’re into that sort of thing. 🙄
6. Frankenstein: Yet Another Adaptation 🧟
Guillermo del Toro is giving us his take on Mary Shelley’s classic. Because we haven’t seen enough *Frankenstein* adaptations. Oscar Isaac is Victor Frankenstein, and Jacob Elordi is the monster. Del Toro claims it’s not a “horror film” but an “emotional story.” Yeah, right. We’ll see how emotional it is when Elordi starts wreaking havoc. 😈
7. The Rip: Cops Gone Wild 🚨
Joe Carnahan’s *The Rip*, starring Matt Damon and Ben Affleck, is coming January 16, 2026. It’s about Miami cops finding a bunch of cash and then questioning who they can trust. Sounds original! A sneak peek was released, but only for people who were actually there. So, basically, everyone else is left in the dark. 🤷♂️
8. One Piece Season Two: Still Sailing the Seas 🏴☠️
The live-action adaptation of *One Piece* is returning in 2026. More pirates, more treasure hunts, more CGI that probably looks terrible. Mikaela Hoover is voicing Tony Tony Chopper and says there’s “a little Chopper in all of us.” I’m not sure if that’s a compliment or an insult. 🤔
So, there you have it. Netflix’s grand plan to keep you glued to your couch for the next year. More sequels, more adaptations, more content that you’ll probably forget about in a week. Happy binging! 🍿📺
Finn McFrame, celebrated satirical mastermind and self-proclaimed “Emperor of Irony,” started his illustrious career as a cinematographer, where his expertise in capturing every single frame of a squirrel stealing a baguette earned him accolades at obscure film festivals.
Born in the glamorous town of Boring, Oregon, Finn grew up with dreams of being a Hollywood director until he realized that satire, not cinema, was his true calling—or at least the one that let him sleep until noon.
Finn McFrame: changing the world, one satirical lens flare at a time.
