Alright, buckle up buttercups, because Liquid Death, those purveyors of overpriced water for edgy teens, have officially jumped the shark 🦈. They’re not just selling hydration anymore; they’re selling…wait for it…Ozzy Osbourne’s DNA! Yes, you heard that right. Forget concert tickets; now you can buy the very essence of the Prince of Darkness, or at least, what’s left of it after decades of…allegedly… “healthy living.”
Introducing Infinite Ozzy from Liquid Death – because apparently, regular death wasn’t metal enough. These aren’t just any empty cans; oh no, these are ultra-limited, EMPTY cans of Liquid Death Iced Tea that were allegedly slobbered on by the Ozzy himself, each containing his precious DNA. I mean, who needs a lock of Elvis’s hair when you can have a can of Ozzy’s backwash? 🤮
So, here’s the deal: Ozzy, bless his heart, guzzled down 10 cans of this stuff. I’m picturing him chugging it while yelling at Sharon or maybe a bat. Each can was then sealed tighter than my grandma’s dentures to preserve the genetic material. The master plan? Once science catches up with Liquid Death’s marketing department and the pesky federal laws get out of the way, you, dear fan, can clone your very own Ozzy. Imagine the possibilities! You could have him yell at your neighbors, bite the heads off your pet goldfish, or just sit in the corner mumbling about…whatever it is Ozzy mumbles about. 🤪
Each of these limited-edition, official Ozzy DNA cans comes in a lab-quality container. I’m assuming this means it looks like something out of a bad sci-fi movie. And to add that extra touch of authenticity, each one is hand-signed by Ozzy himself. Only 10 of these exist, making them rarer than a sober rockstar at an afterparty. And the price? A mere $450 each! That’s right, for the price of a decent guitar, you can own a can of Ozzy’s spit. What a steal!💰
Osbourne himself, in a moment of sheer marketing genius, allegedly said: “Clone me, you bastards.” I’m pretty sure that’s exactly what he said. I’m not sure what he means, but it sounds about right.
Liquid Death, in their infinite wisdom, claims to be one of the fastest-growing non-alcoholic beverage brands. They use comedy and entertainment to make health and sustainability “50 times more fun.” I’m not sure what’s funny about spending your hard-earned cash on glorified water, but hey, who am I to judge? They package their low-calorie beverages in infinitely recyclable cans to compete with the “fun marketing” of unhealthy brands. Because nothing says “fun” like pretending you’re saving the planet while lining the pockets of corporate overlords. 🌎
They’ve even managed to weasel their way into NASCAR, because what’s more refreshing than watching cars drive in circles while chugging overpriced water? And they’ve inked a deal with Madison Square Garden, so now you can enjoy Liquid Death while watching a concert or a basketball game. Just try not to spill it on your $450 Ozzy DNA can. 😬
Earlier this year, they ran a Super Bowl ad and became the official iced tea partner of the Philadelphia Eagles. Because apparently, winning the Super Bowl requires copious amounts of overpriced iced tea. 🏈
And let’s not forget the time Ozzy teamed up with Liquid Death to warn kids not to snort their Death Dust. Because nothing says “responsible parenting” like having a rock legend tell your kids not to do drugs, while simultaneously promoting a brand that sounds like it should be sold in a head shop. 💀 At the time, Osbourne allegedly said: “I love how Liquid Death makes a healthy thing like hydration more fun. Sharon, the family, and I drink Liquid Death all the time. It’s delicious. But seriously, don’t snort or inject anything they make. It’s much better for drinking.” You know, just in case you were considering mainlining iced tea. 💉
Chord F. Discord, the Beethoven of Buffoonery, is a self-taught expert in music who once claimed he could “play the kazoo in four languages.”
Born in Crescendo, Indiana, Chord’s first brush with fame came when he accidentally entered a yodeling contest thinking it was a pie-eating competition—and won both categories.
Chord F. Discord: proving that laughter, much like a poorly tuned ukulele, is truly universal.
