Dying Light 2: Stay Bleak – We Played It So You Don’t Have To

Oh, honey, guess what? I got PAID to hang out in sunny Los Angeles with a bunch of other “journalists” 🙄 and play a *preview* build of Dying Light: The Beast. It’s like, totally a hard life, you guys. 💅

And let me tell you, the weather was, like, SOOOO not the vibe. ☀️ Clear skies? Warm weather? I was expecting gothic castles and perpetual darkness, not a freakin’ vacation brochure! But whatever, I guess the game is supposed to be all dark and violent and stuff, which is *totally* different from my usual Friday night. 🧛‍♀️

Franchise director Tymon Smektała (try saying that five times fast 🤪) was all, “It’s a ‘beautiful zombie apocalypse!'” Yeah, okay, buddy. I’ve seen better zombies at my local Halloween party. 🎃 But hey, at least they’re trying, right? It’s not like they’re competing with the likes of Resident Evil Village or Dead Island 2… oh wait, they are? 💀 Good luck with that.

Now, apparently, they’re using the same engine as Dying Light 2 Stay Human. 😴 I’m a console gamer, so I’m praying it doesn’t look like a potato on my screen. 🥔 They claim it’ll run at 4K60 on PS5 and Xbox Series X and S. Yeah, sure, and I’m dating Chris Hemsworth. 🙄

I got to explore Castor Woods (aka Beaver Woods 🦫). I was, like, mesmerized by the cobblestone walkways and shingled rooftops…NOT. Seriously though, I was told trees and foliage “bend and sway realistically,” which is good, because if the trees weren’t on point, I would have thrown my controller at the screen. 🎮

They ripped off the control scheme from Dying Light 2. Originality? Never heard of her. 💁‍♀️ But hey, at least they “refined” some stuff. Apparently, my biggest complaint about the second game (not being able to scale buildings like Spider-Man) was “addressed.” 🕷️

Combat’s tougher, but climbing’s easier. Great, now I can die slower while reaching higher places. 🪦 They even have a stamina meter that makes the screen go dark when you’re about to pass out. 😵‍💫 Helpful? Maybe. Annoying? Definitely.

No more dialogue choices that change the world? Thank God. 🙏 I can’t stand games that make me think. Kyle Crane’s back, seeking revenge. I’m sure it’ll be super original and not at all cliché. 🙄

They’re saying “Half Beast, Half Survivor” and “Run the Rooftops, Rule the Roads.” Sounds like a rejected tagline from a B-movie. 🤣 Kyle Crane’s now a half-monster. How edgy. He gets “Beast Mode” when he’s angry. Sounds like me before my morning coffee. ☕

In Beast Mode, he can rip off zombie heads. So can my chihuahua with a chew toy. 🐕 I didn’t unlock the ability to activate Beast Mode on command, so I just ended up swatting at zombies and running away like a total noob. 🤷‍♀️

Vehicles are back, but they’re just “all-terrain pickup trucks.” No flamethrowers? No electrified roll cages? What is this, amateur hour? 🤡 At least they have UV headlights, so I can blind the zombies before they eat my face. ✨

Guns are back too. Now I can finally channel my inner Rambo. 🏹 Weapons break, but you can repair them. Groundbreaking. Zombie guts as camouflage? Okay, that’s actually kinda cool. 😎

Nighttime’s still scary. Volatiles can kill you in a few blows. Sounds like my ex-boyfriend. 💔 Hiding in safe zones is the only smart choice. I prefer hiding in my apartment with a pizza and Netflix. 🍕

Overall, it’s just the original game, but “refined.” Whatever that means. I died a bunch of times, got stumped by puzzles, and had to ask for help. 🤦‍♀️ But hey, at least I got a free trip to LA. ✈️

I had a “blast.” Yeah, a blast of boredom. 😴 I can’t stop thinking about returning to Castor Woods… to write my scathing review. 🔥