Oh, honey, guess what? I got PAID to hang out in sunny Los Angeles with a bunch of other “journalists” 🙄 and play a *preview* build of Dying Light: The Beast. It’s like, totally a hard life, you guys. 💅
And let me tell you, the weather was, like, SOOOO not the vibe. ☀️ Clear skies? Warm weather? I was expecting gothic castles and perpetual darkness, not a freakin’ vacation brochure! But whatever, I guess the game is supposed to be all dark and violent and stuff, which is *totally* different from my usual Friday night. 🧛♀️
Franchise director Tymon Smektała (try saying that five times fast 🤪) was all, “It’s a ‘beautiful zombie apocalypse!'” Yeah, okay, buddy. I’ve seen better zombies at my local Halloween party. 🎃 But hey, at least they’re trying, right? It’s not like they’re competing with the likes of Resident Evil Village or Dead Island 2… oh wait, they are? 💀 Good luck with that.
Now, apparently, they’re using the same engine as Dying Light 2 Stay Human. 😴 I’m a console gamer, so I’m praying it doesn’t look like a potato on my screen. 🥔 They claim it’ll run at 4K60 on PS5 and Xbox Series X and S. Yeah, sure, and I’m dating Chris Hemsworth. 🙄
I got to explore Castor Woods (aka Beaver Woods 🦫). I was, like, mesmerized by the cobblestone walkways and shingled rooftops…NOT. Seriously though, I was told trees and foliage “bend and sway realistically,” which is good, because if the trees weren’t on point, I would have thrown my controller at the screen. 🎮
They ripped off the control scheme from Dying Light 2. Originality? Never heard of her. 💁♀️ But hey, at least they “refined” some stuff. Apparently, my biggest complaint about the second game (not being able to scale buildings like Spider-Man) was “addressed.” 🕷️
Combat’s tougher, but climbing’s easier. Great, now I can die slower while reaching higher places. 🪦 They even have a stamina meter that makes the screen go dark when you’re about to pass out. 😵💫 Helpful? Maybe. Annoying? Definitely.
No more dialogue choices that change the world? Thank God. 🙏 I can’t stand games that make me think. Kyle Crane’s back, seeking revenge. I’m sure it’ll be super original and not at all cliché. 🙄
They’re saying “Half Beast, Half Survivor” and “Run the Rooftops, Rule the Roads.” Sounds like a rejected tagline from a B-movie. 🤣 Kyle Crane’s now a half-monster. How edgy. He gets “Beast Mode” when he’s angry. Sounds like me before my morning coffee. ☕
In Beast Mode, he can rip off zombie heads. So can my chihuahua with a chew toy. 🐕 I didn’t unlock the ability to activate Beast Mode on command, so I just ended up swatting at zombies and running away like a total noob. 🤷♀️
Vehicles are back, but they’re just “all-terrain pickup trucks.” No flamethrowers? No electrified roll cages? What is this, amateur hour? 🤡 At least they have UV headlights, so I can blind the zombies before they eat my face. ✨
Guns are back too. Now I can finally channel my inner Rambo. 🏹 Weapons break, but you can repair them. Groundbreaking. Zombie guts as camouflage? Okay, that’s actually kinda cool. 😎
Nighttime’s still scary. Volatiles can kill you in a few blows. Sounds like my ex-boyfriend. 💔 Hiding in safe zones is the only smart choice. I prefer hiding in my apartment with a pizza and Netflix. 🍕
Overall, it’s just the original game, but “refined.” Whatever that means. I died a bunch of times, got stumped by puzzles, and had to ask for help. 🤦♀️ But hey, at least I got a free trip to LA. ✈️
I had a “blast.” Yeah, a blast of boredom. 😴 I can’t stop thinking about returning to Castor Woods… to write my scathing review. 🔥
Pixel P. Snarkbyte, widely regarded as the “Shakespeare of Sh*tposts,” is a video game expert with a unique knack for turning pixels into punchlines.
Born in the small town of Respawn, Pennsylvania, Pixel grew up mashing buttons on an ancient NES controller, firmly believing that “blowing into the cartridge” was a sacred ritual passed down through generations.
Pixel P. Snarkbyte: proving that life, much like a buggy open-world game, is better with a little lag-induced chaos.
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