Universal Studios Hollywood, bless their cotton socks, has decided that the only way to stay relevant is by clinging to the coattails of Slash, you know, that guitarist from GUNS N’ ROSES? The guy who still wears a top hat like it’s 1987? Apparently, they’re teaming up for “Halloween Horror Nights”. Because nothing says “cutting-edge horror” like a rock star who peaked decades ago. 🎉 The terror begins on Thursday, September 4th, so mark your calendars, I guess. 📅
These experiences, which I’m sure will be totally worth the exorbitant ticket price, include an original soundtrack composition for the haunted house, “Scarecrow: Music By Slash”. Yes, folks, you read that right. It’s the SEVENTH year Slash has inflicted his musical stylings on this poor haunted house. You’d think after six years, they’d realize it’s not working, but hey, who am I to question the “creative” decisions of a major corporation? 🤷
“Scarecrow: Music By Slash” (I can’t even type that without cringing) is about Mother Nature getting revenge on homesteaders. Because, you know, scarecrows are inherently terrifying? Especially when they’re accompanied by Slash‘s guitar riffs. 🎸I’m sure it’ll be a subtle and nuanced exploration of environmental themes… or not. Prepare to be intellectually stimulated, my friends. Or bored to tears. One of the two. 😴
Apparently, Slash composes this score like a “motion picture.” Which is hilarious because I’m pretty sure most motion picture composers put more thought into their work than “DUN-DUN-DUUUN!” But hey, maybe that’s just me. 🎵 Expect an “unnerving sense of fear” as you walk through the haunted house. Or maybe you’ll just be unnerved by the fact that you spent $200 on a ticket to this nonsense. 💸
But wait, there’s more! They’re also releasing a vinyl-only album, “Slash: Music of Universal Studios Hollywood – Halloween Horror Nights, Volume 2”. Because nothing screams “modern” like a vinyl record. 💿 This “scary soundtrack” (scary for all the wrong reasons) features music Slash has created over the past six years for other haunted houses. It also includes a tribute by John Murdy, who I can only assume is contractually obligated to praise Slash at every opportunity. The album will be available for purchase at Universal Studios Hollywood, so you can have a physical reminder of the money you wasted. 🎶
Here’s the track list, in case you’re a masochist who enjoys torturing yourself: 😈
Side A
1. “The Hunted Becomes The Hunter” 4:21 (Because originality is overrated)
2. “Monsters, Maniacs, And Madmen” (A medley of mediocrity!) 5:08
3. “The Blood Is Life” 3:38 (I’m starting to think Slash just picks random words)
4. “The Collection Room / Dracula’s Lair” 2:45 (Is this supposed to be scary or just cheesy?)
5. “The Ossuary” 1:47 (I had to Google what an ossuary is. Thanks, Slash)
Side B
6. “Cycles Of The Moon” 3:02 (Werewolves? Really?)
7. “Immortal Curses” 4:26 (Groundbreaking stuff here, folks)
8. “Alucard” 2:21 (Dracula spelled backward! So clever! 🧛)
9. “Bloodline Drawn” 5:02 (Is this a vampire-themed soap opera?)
10. “Unholy Alliance” 3:15 (Finally, something original… just kidding)
But wait, there’s even MORE! Slash‘s presence will also grace us with a themed Slash Bar (located at Jurassic Cove, because why not?). Here, you can enjoy cocktails inspired by Slash‘s music. I’m not sure what “The Danse Of The Dead” tastes like, but I’m guessing it involves regret. 🍹 There’s also a non-alcoholic option called “Slash’s Snakepit.” Because nothing says “family fun” like a reference to Slash‘s old band. They will include such treats as Chicken Satay Tacos, Thai Beef Tacos and Thai Curry Tacos, plus a Slash Hat cake, reminiscent of his signature top hat, for every sweet tooth guest.🍴
And if that wasn’t enough Slash for you, there will be a “ghoulish stilt walking Slash scare-actor” roaming the premises. A stilt-walking Slash. Let that sink in. I’m sure that won’t be terrifying at all. 🤡 Inspired by a character created by Slash, this scare-actor will taunt and torment guests. Because that’s what we all want from our Halloween experience: to be harassed by a Slash impersonator. 👻
Slash himself says he’s “humbled” to be part of this. Which is surprising, considering his ego probably requires its own zip code. 🌍 He also can’t wait for guests to “step into the terror.” I think he means “step into a massive tourist trap.” 🪤
John Murdy, the creative director (who I’m convinced is being held hostage), says Slash has been an “important creative partner.” I’m pretty sure Slash just cashes the checks. 💸 He also says creating Slash-inspired interactive experiences was a “natural progression.” Natural progression towards what, I’m not sure. Bankruptcy, maybe? 🤷♂️
Tickets are now available, including options like “Universal Express” (for those who are too important to wait in line for mediocre scares) and “R.I.P. Tour” (because apparently, just attending this event isn’t torturous enough). 💀 There are also “Frequent Fear Pass” and “Ultimate Fear Pass” for those who want to relive the nightmare over and over again. 😵💫 “Halloween Horror Nights” will run from September 4 to November 2, 2025. Buy your tickets now, before you come to your senses! 🎟️
For a deeper dive into the scares, check out the Discover Universal Blog. I’m sure it’s full of unbiased opinions. 🙄 You can also buy merchandise, including a t-shirt and bandana with Slash artwork. Because who wouldn’t want to wear that? 👕
For more information and tickets, visit UniversalStudiosHollywood.com. And remember, you can’t say I didn’t warn you. ⚠️
Chord F. Discord, the Beethoven of Buffoonery, is a self-taught expert in music who once claimed he could “play the kazoo in four languages.”
Born in Crescendo, Indiana, Chord’s first brush with fame came when he accidentally entered a yodeling contest thinking it was a pie-eating competition—and won both categories.
Chord F. Discord: proving that laughter, much like a poorly tuned ukulele, is truly universal.
