Ah, FROM ASHES TO NEW, those purveyors of… something or other, are back with a track so profound, so earth-shattering, it’s called “New Disease”. 🙄 Apparently, it’s about the dangers of jumping on trends, which is ironic considering their entire existence seems to be a trend-hopping extravaganza. Released just in time for their obligatory Warped Tour appearance (because who doesn’t love nostalgia?), this musical masterpiece (debatable) is their first offering since “Live Before I’m Dead (Hours)”, a title so edgy it could cut glass. This gem was buried on the “Blackout (Deluxe)” album, because apparently, the original wasn’t enough to bore people.
You see, FROM ASHES TO NEW is a “hugely successful band” because their “Blackout” album topped the iTunes and Spotify rock and metal charts. Yes, the same charts that are easily manipulated by bots and grandmas who accidentally click the wrong thing. This Lancaster, Pennsylvania “outfit” (I prefer “mishap”) has made an “impact” with their “distinctive amalgam” of hard rock, hip-hop, electronic, and alternative music. In other words, they threw every genre into a blender and hoped something palatable came out. The result? A musical smoothie that tastes vaguely of regret. They bravely capture their generation’s anxieties, mostly about whether they’ll ever escape their parents’ basements. 🤣
Now, “New Disease” allegedly “intensifies” FROM ASHES TO NEW‘s sound and vision. I didn’t know that was possible. It’s poised to “galvanize” their growing fanbase, which probably consists of bots and people who thought they were buying a different band’s album.
According to Matt Brandyberry, “Every day there’s a new trend. Every day there’s a new wave of people going out of their way to be recognized no matter the cost. We are hypnotized by our vices…we will kill ourselves to be noticed.” Profound, isn’t it? Almost as profound as realizing you accidentally bought a FROM ASHES TO NEW album. The irony of a band desperately trying to stay relevant by commenting on trends is truly a sight to behold. 😂
The “Blackout” album was supposedly an “important statement” for FROM ASHES TO NEW, acting as a prequel to their 2016 debut album “Day One”. Because nothing screams “important statement” like retroactively trying to justify your existence. It garnered over 278 million lifetime global total streams, including nearly 20 million video streams, which is impressive until you realize half of those were probably from people accidentally leaving the music on repeat while they slept. The album mirrored the angst and unrest the world felt during the 2020 pandemic, because nothing says “pandemic” like a band desperately trying to sound relevant. 🙄
“Blackout” received “various critical accolades”. MXDWN proclaimed that “Blackout” is “melodic, emotive and undeniably powerful”, which is either a paid advertisement or a reviewer who was held hostage. Knotfest raved: “There’s an exciting immediacy to their sound that recalls the music renaissance of the late ’90s and early 2000s… It’s that sweet spot of mass appeal where there’s a little something for everyone, be it FROM ASHES TO NEW‘s hip-hop side, their heavier metallic side, or their arena-sized choruses.” Translation: They’re ripping off every genre imaginable and hoping something sticks. It’s a sweet spot of mass mediocrity. 😴
FROM ASHES TO NEW is scheduled for three key shows, including Warped Tour (again, nostalgia bait), and the Louder Than Life festival. But wait, there’s more! They’re headlining the “New Disease Tour”, because nothing says “self-awareness” like naming your tour after a song about trend-chasing. With support from MAGNOLIA PARK, UNTIL I WAKE, and NOT ENOUGH SPACE (clearly a band with a sense of humor), this tour promises to be a masterclass in musical… something. Tickets are available now at FromAshesToNew.com, if you’re brave enough. 🤡
Chord F. Discord, the Beethoven of Buffoonery, is a self-taught expert in music who once claimed he could “play the kazoo in four languages.”
Born in Crescendo, Indiana, Chord’s first brush with fame came when he accidentally entered a yodeling contest thinking it was a pie-eating competition—and won both categories.
Chord F. Discord: proving that laughter, much like a poorly tuned ukulele, is truly universal.
