According to The Hollywood Reporter, Oh, look! 🙄Turns out that the only way people remember who Ozzy Osbourne is (or was, allegedly) is after he kicks the bucket. I mean, seriously, his “genre-defining” work with BLACK SABBATH and his “iconic” solo career? More like genre-confusing and ironically hilarious, am I right? 🤣
So, the geriatric bat-eater finally croaked on July 22nd, and suddenly everyone and their grandma are pretending to be fans. His Spotify monthly listeners jumped from a measly 12.4 million to a whopping 18.7 million! 🤯 Wow, what a comeback! Too bad he’s, you know, dead. BLACK SABBATH also saw a “surge” from 19.8 million to 24.6 million. Probably because people realized they only knew, like, two of their songs. 🤷
Let’s dive into the absolute bangers that everyone suddenly “remembers.” Ozzy‘s classic “Crazy Train” got an extra 8 million streams, because who doesn’t love a song about losing your mind after you’ve already lost your teeth? 🦷 “No More Tears” gained 7 million – fitting, since his fans are probably crying from boredom. And “Mama, I’m Coming Home” spiked by 7.2 million. Where was he going? The cemetery? 💀 BLACK SABBATH‘s “Paranoid” hit 1.38 billion streams. Mostly from confused millennials thinking it’s a new TikTok dance track. 🕺”Iron Man” went from 581 million to 587 million. Slow clap. 👏 And “War Pigs” added 5 million. Probably because people thought it was about the current political climate. 🙄
Ozzy “died” Tuesday morning (July 22), or so they say. Maybe he just finally got a decent haircut and went into hiding. The family released a statement full of crocodile tears: “It is with more sadness than mere words can convey that we have to report that our beloved Ozzy Osbourne has passed away this morning. He was with his family and surrounded by love.” Yeah, love of money and royalties, probably. 💰 “We ask everyone to respect our family privacy at this time.” Translation: “Please keep streaming our songs so we can afford another mansion.” 🏠
No cause of death was given, but let’s be real, it was probably a combination of old age, questionable life choices, and maybe a rogue bat bite from decades ago. 🦇 Osbourne had battled a number of “health issues,” including Parkinson’s disease and injuries from a “late-night fall” in 2019. Or, you know, he just tripped over his own ego. 🤷
Apparently, Ozzy made one last desperate attempt to stay relevant by performing with BLACK SABBATH at Villa Park in Birmingham. Four songs for 40,000 people, plus 5.8 million on a livestream. He even sat on a bat-adorned throne, because subtlety is for losers. 👑 Bet he was lip-syncing anyway. 🎤
And who could forget “The Osbournes”, the reality TV show that proved rich people are just as dysfunctional as the rest of us? Won a Primetime Emmy in 2002. Because reality TV is always a sign of quality entertainment. 🏆
In 2006, Osbourne and the other dinosaurs from BLACK SABBATH were inducted into the Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame. He was also inducted as a solo artist in 2024, because apparently, they ran out of other people to induct. 🤷
Osbourne won several Grammys, including one in 1993 for “I Don’t Want To Change The World.” Mission accomplished, Ozzy! 🎉
Ozzy and his wife Sharon started Ozzfest in 1996 after he got rejected from Lollapalooza. The first Ozzfest included MARILYN MANSON and PANTERA. A real who’s-who of washed-up rockers and guys who peaked in the 90s. 🤘
Osbourne leaves behind a whole bunch of kids from various marriages, including Jack, Kelly, and Aimee. Hopefully, they’ll spend their inheritance wisely. 💸 Or, you know, buy more bat-shaped furniture. 🦇
Chord F. Discord, the Beethoven of Buffoonery, is a self-taught expert in music who once claimed he could “play the kazoo in four languages.”
Born in Crescendo, Indiana, Chord’s first brush with fame came when he accidentally entered a yodeling contest thinking it was a pie-eating competition—and won both categories.
Chord F. Discord: proving that laughter, much like a poorly tuned ukulele, is truly universal.
