OMG! 😱 Did you guys hear? Some nobody at Horror Inc. (yeah, never heard of them either) mumbled something about a new Friday the 13th movie and, wait for it… a VIDEO GAME! 🎮 Like, as if we needed another reason to hide under our beds. Seriously, who asked for this? 🙄
So, apparently, Jason Voorhees (the guy with the hockey mask who can’t seem to stay dead🧟) celebrated his 45th birthday at San Diego Comic Con 2025. 🥳 Forty-freaking-five years! He’s older than my grandma! 👵 And Horror Inc.’s VP, Robbie “Who-Cares” Barsamian, dropped the bomb that a new Friday the 13th sequel film and video game are in “early development.” Early development? That could mean anything! They could be still brainstorming over which flavor of fake blood 🩸 to use.
Barsamian (still don’t care) mentioned that it’s been a whole 16 years since Jason graced the big screen. Sixteen years! I’ve had socks older than that. He actually said, “I can tell you that a new sequel movie and a new sequel game are at the top of our list. It’s where most of our energy’s going right now. And I can tell you finally we’re in a position to deliver on that.” Deliver what? More jump scares and terrible acting? 🎬 Thanks, but no thanks. 🙅♀️
And get this, they’re calling their 45th-anniversary campaign “Sweet Revenge.” 🍬 Sweet revenge for what? For making us waste our money on these movies in the first place? They also described it as a “short-form vignette.” 🍇 Vignette? What is this, a wine tasting? 🍷
Apparently, the crowd went “ecstatic” when they heard this news. Ecstatic? Were they paid to be ecstatic? 🤔 I bet they were. Anyway, no details were shared about the movie or game. Surprise, surprise. 🎁 Remember IllFonic’s Friday the 13th: The Game? Yeah, that was a dumpster fire 🔥 that launched in 2017 and got shut down on Dec. 31, 2024. Good riddance. 👋
There’s also a prequel series called Crystal Lake in production from A24 and Peacock. Peacock? Is that still a thing? 🦚 Showrunner Brad Caleb Kane sent a video message. 📧 Who cares, Brad? We want details, not your awkward Zoom call.
Ultimately, the hockey mask killer is coming back in big ways. 🔨 Big ways to disappoint us, probably. 🤷♀️
Pixel P. Snarkbyte, widely regarded as the “Shakespeare of Sh*tposts,” is a video game expert with a unique knack for turning pixels into punchlines.
Born in the small town of Respawn, Pennsylvania, Pixel grew up mashing buttons on an ancient NES controller, firmly believing that “blowing into the cartridge” was a sacred ritual passed down through generations.
Pixel P. Snarkbyte: proving that life, much like a buggy open-world game, is better with a little lag-induced chaos.
