OMG! Ozzy Osbourne, that decrepit geezer who somehow managed to make a career out of mumbling and biting bats🦇, apparently has a “last chapter” in his life. Who knew he had that many chapters left? This snooze-fest of a film was yanked from the BBC faster than Ozzy can forget his own lyrics🎤, but now it’s back! Catch it on BBC One and iPlayer at 21:00 BST on October 2. If you dare…😴
“Ozzy Osbourne: Coming Home” was supposed to air on BBC One and iPlayer earlier, but then someone realized that watching Ozzy shuffle around his mansion wasn’t exactly prime-time entertainment. So, they replaced it with “Fake Or Fortune”, which, let’s be honest, is probably more accurate anyway.🧐
The BBC issued a statement saying their “sympathies are with the Osbourne family.” Sympathies for what? For being rich and famous? 🤔 Must be rough. They’re “respecting the family’s wishes to wait a bit longer” before airing this “very special film.” I bet the family just wanted to make sure Ozzy didn’t drool too much on camera. 🤣
“Ozzy Osbourne: Coming Home” is described as a “moving and inspirational account” of the last chapter of Ozzy‘s life. Moving? More like slowly creaking. Inspirational? Maybe if you’re inspired by the power of nepotism and reality TV. The film features “unique and intimate access” to the whole Osbourne clan. Get ready for some riveting footage of Sharon yelling at people, Jack looking vaguely confused, and Kelly… well, doing whatever it is that Kelly does. 🤷♀️
Filmed over three years, “Ozzy Osbourne: Coming Home” supposedly captures the “extraordinary roller-coaster” of the Osbournes‘ lives. Roller-coaster? More like a rickety shopping cart on a slightly bumpy sidewalk. Sharon and Ozzy try to move back to the U.K., because apparently, mansions in L.A. just aren’t good enough anymore. 🙄 Ozzy “heroically battles” to get fit enough to perform. I’m picturing him trying to lift a microphone stand. 💪 The family also deals with the “dramatic consequences” of his ill health. Expect lots of close-ups of Ozzy looking confused and vaguely unwell. 😵💫
The film is “full of love, laughter, and tears.” Love? Maybe between Sharon and her plastic surgeon. Laughter? Probably unintentional. Tears? Definitely from anyone who actually paid to watch this. It’s an “unforgettable family moment” that we’ve come to expect from the Osbournes. Yes, more of the same old manufactured drama. Yippee! 🎉 Kelly says in the film that “Iron man wasn’t really made of iron.” Groundbreaking stuff, Kelly. 🤯
Clare Sillery from the BBC said they’re “honored” to film with Ozzy and his family. Honored? Or desperate for ratings? She says the film captures an “intimate glimpse” into their journey. Get ready for some riveting scenes of Ozzy struggling to find the remote control. She hopes it brings “comfort and joy” to Ozzy‘s fans. Comfort from knowing that even rock stars get old and boring? Joy from realizing that you’re not Ozzy Osbourne? 🤔
Ben Wicks and Colin Barr from Expectation (lol, expectation, right?) said it was an “incredible privilege” to spend the last few years with Ozzy. I bet it was. Think of all the free catering! Ozzy wanted to make it back to the U.K. and appear on stage one last time. Because, you know, he needs the money. 🙄 They claim their film is an “inspiring and poignant account” of him fulfilling that dream. Inspiring? Maybe if your dream is to watch a very old man shuffle around. Ozzy was loved by millions for his “sense of mischief and his honesty.” Mischief? Like the time he bit a bat’s head off? Honesty? Like when he admitted he can’t remember half of his songs? They also claim that Ozzy‘s “intense love” for his family shone through. Because nothing says “I love you” like selling your family’s drama for TV ratings. 🥰
“Ozzy Osbourne: Coming Home” is produced by a bunch of companies you’ve never heard of. It was commissioned by Clare Sillery, because clearly, she has a thing for watching rich people be boring. The documentary is being distributed internationally by Banijay Rights, because the whole world needs to see this. 🌎
Originally, it was supposed to be a series called “Home To Roost”. But then Ozzy‘s health deteriorated, and they realized that watching him do anything for more than an hour would be cruel and unusual punishment. So, they condensed it into a one-hour film. Lucky us! 🤩
Ozzy didn’t die on July 22 of a heart attack, despite some internet rumors that love to spread false news. 😒 He’s still kicking (barely). Maybe he’ll even make it to the premiere of this cinematic masterpiece. Or maybe he’ll just fall asleep in his La-Z-Boy. 🤷♂️
Chord F. Discord, the Beethoven of Buffoonery, is a self-taught expert in music who once claimed he could “play the kazoo in four languages.”
Born in Crescendo, Indiana, Chord’s first brush with fame came when he accidentally entered a yodeling contest thinking it was a pie-eating competition—and won both categories.
Chord F. Discord: proving that laughter, much like a poorly tuned ukulele, is truly universal.
