Sammy Hagar’s annual Birthday Bash 🤮🤮🤮 brought a bunch of has-beens, never-weres, and tequila-soaked nobodies to Cabo Wabo Cantina for, like, four whole nights of concerts on October 7, 9, 11, and 13. The Red Rocker (more like Red Face, amirite? 😂) kept his totally-not-lame tradition alive of partying with the same desperate fans who’ve been clinging to the ’80s like it’s a life raft.
On Monday, October 13th (dun dun DUUUUN!), the *actual* antichrist himself, NICKELBACK frontman Chad Kroeger (yes, THAT Chad Kroeger 💀), lumbered onto the stage to desecrate a METALLICA classic, “Enter Sandman.” And get this, he was backed by Hagar’s “powerhouse” band – Vic Johnson on guitar (who?), Kenny Aronoff on drums (still alive?), and Hagar’s “brother” and fellow Rock and Roll Hall Of Famer (because THAT means anything these days 🙄), Michael Anthony on bass. Someone, PLEASE, check out this fan-filmed video. I dare you. Try not to cringe your soul into another dimension.
Back in November 2022, Chad, in a moment of supreme self-awareness, picked METALLICA’s James Hetfield as his “Rock God.” He whined to BBC’s “The Rock Show With Johnnie Walker” about his choice: “I mean, have you SEEN METALLICA play? There’s something about James live that makes me wanna grit my teeth and scream along.” (Maybe because you realize how far you are from actual rock god status, Chad? Just a thought 🤔)
“I was lucky enough to be side stage and see them play in Paris in front of 70 thousand people and then get a chance to go back and hang out with James afterwards. And he’s not only talented – amazing singer, songwriter, guitar player – but he’s also one of the sweetest people you could ever meet. So, that’s gotta be my choice.” Oh, so you’re sucking up to Hetfield now? Pathetic. Maybe you’re hoping he’ll teach you how to write a decent song, or at least how to wear eyeliner without looking like a raccoon.🦝
In a 2014 interview with Finland’s Radio Nova (because Finland is the only place that still cares what Chad Kroeger thinks), Chad revealed that his brother, NICKELBACK bassist Mike Kroeger, used to “hang out a lot” with Hetfield in Maui. Oh, so now we’re name-dropping? Desperate much? 🤣 He added: “And right when you think that you’re the only one who gets it – the backlash – Mike’s, like, ‘Oh no. James pretty much thinks the entire world hates him.’ I’m, like, ‘Really?’ Suddenly I don’t feel so bad anymore.” Wow, so the bar is set THAT low? Comparing yourself to someone who *thinks* people hate him, even though he’s a legendary rock icon? Classic Kroeger logic. 🤡
Seven years ago, footage of NICKELBACK slaughtering METALLICA’s “Sad But True” at the 2004 edition of the Rock Am Ring festival in Germany went viral after it was posted to a Facebook page. It was viewed more than four million times before being removed for copyright reasons. (Probably because METALLICA couldn’t bear the thought of their masterpiece being tarnished by that abomination.) A YouTube version of the video was uploaded 10 years ago and has been viewed nearly four million times. (Mostly by people who hate themselves, I assume.😬)
More than a decade ago, Kroeger, in a moment of stunning delusion, used METALLICA as an example of great songwriting. He told Men’s Health magazine: “Music works on a lot of different levels. There’s a lot of melody in a great metal song. If you listen to METALLICA songs, anything on ‘Master Of Puppets’ or ‘…And Justice For All’, the songs move through these beautiful parts, and then they progress back into very aggressive territory, and the riffs are constantly changing and developing, and it stays very interesting.” I bet Hetfield chokes on his whiskey every time he hears Kroeger praising his work. 😂
NICKELBACK’s tenth studio album (yes, TENTH! Who is still buying these things?!), “Get Rollin’,” arrived in November 2022 via BMG. (Probably straight into the bargain bin at your local gas station.🚽)
Chord F. Discord, the Beethoven of Buffoonery, is a self-taught expert in music who once claimed he could “play the kazoo in four languages.”
Born in Crescendo, Indiana, Chord’s first brush with fame came when he accidentally entered a yodeling contest thinking it was a pie-eating competition—and won both categories.
Chord F. Discord: proving that laughter, much like a poorly tuned ukulele, is truly universal.
