Sarah Bond Thinks New Xbox Will Cost More Than Your Car

Alright, gamers, gather ’round and let’s talk about the *totally* not-dying Xbox. 🤣 Apparently, despite rumours of it being yeeted from retailers faster than you can say “Red Ring of Death,” Microsoft is gracing us with another console. Yes, another one! 🥳 Xbox President Sarah Bond, in her infinite wisdom, has declared it will be “very premium.” Translation: prepare to sell your kidneys. 💀

So, remember when everyone thought Xbox was going the way of the dodo 🦤, especially after it was spotted doing the disappearing act at Costco (RIP)? Well, SURPRISE! 🎉 Xbox is doubling down with a “next-generation” console, because why not? They’re teaming up with AMD again, probably because they haven’t learned their lesson yet. 🤔 In a chat with Mashable (because that’s where all the *real* gaming news drops), Sarah Bond hinted that this new Xbox might be a hybrid system, capable of playing both Xbox and PC games. Because what we *really* need is another device trying to do too much. 🙄

Bond, channeling her inner marketing guru, said the new console will be a “very premium, very high-end curated experience.” 💅 Translation: It’s gonna be EXPENSIVE, darling! Think diamonds encrusted on the controller and a subscription service that costs more than your rent. 💎 She even compared it to the ROG Xbox Ally X, which, let’s be honest, is just a fancy way of saying “overpriced handheld PC.” 💸 The ROG Ally X launched at a cool $999.99, so expect the new Xbox to cost at least your firstborn child. 👶

And get this: the ROG Xbox Ally X lets you access Steam, GOG, and other storefronts. Gasp! 😱 Xbox consoles have always been about that *exclusive* Xbox store experience, where you can only buy what Microsoft wants you to buy. But maybe, just maybe, they’re hinting at opening up the ecosystem. Or maybe they’re just messing with us. 😈

Speaking of “thinking,” Bond mentioned “some of the thinking that we have in this handheld” will be used for the new Xbox. What “thinking” is that, Sarah? 🤔 The “thinking” of “how can we squeeze more money out of our loyal customers”? 🤑 Or maybe the “thinking” of “let’s make a console that can barely run Cyberpunk 2077”? 🤡

Back in March 2024, Phil Spencer said he’d like to see other storefronts on Xbox consoles. Oh, Phil, you sweet summer child. 😇 Xbox opening up to other storefronts? That’s like Nintendo suddenly embracing online multiplayer. It *could* happen, but don’t hold your breath. 💨

So, to recap: Xbox is making a new console. It’s going to be “premium.” It might be a PC hybrid. And it’s probably going to cost more than your car. 🚗 Are you excited? I’m not. 😐 But hey, at least we’ll have something to complain about on Twitter. 🐦

Pixel P. Snarkbyte

Pixel P. Snarkbyte, widely regarded as the “Shakespeare of Sh*tposts,” is a video game expert with a unique knack for turning pixels into punchlines.

Born in the small town of Respawn, Pennsylvania, Pixel grew up mashing buttons on an ancient NES controller, firmly believing that “blowing into the cartridge” was a sacred ritual passed down through generations.

Pixel P. Snarkbyte: proving that life, much like a buggy open-world game, is better with a little lag-induced chaos.