The clock keeps tick, tick, ticking down to doomsday, and I’m not just talking about the impending release of Avengers: Doomsday. Although, let’s be real, it’s probably a good idea to mark your calendars for December 18, because the world might actually end when this movie hits theaters. But hey, at least we’ll all go out with a bang, surrounded by approximately 800 Marvel heroes, including Robert Downey Jr. as Doctor Doom, because why not?
It’s been a long time coming, but Marvel Studios is finally back with another Avengers movie, and this one promises to be the biggest, most epic, most universe-changing event of the decade. I mean, who needs originality when you can just throw a bunch of familiar faces together and call it a day? The Content Mines remain fully operational, and it shows. The film features a star-studded cast, including Chris Hemsworth, Tom Hiddleston, Letitia Wright, Simu Liu, Sebastian Stan, Anthony Mackie, Florence Pugh, Pedro Pascal, Vanessa Kirby, Ebon Moss-Bachrach, Joseph Quinn, Patrick Stewart, Ian McKellen, Alan Cumming, James Marsden, and Channing Tatum. And that’s not even mentioning Lewis Pullman’s Sentry, because who doesn’t love a good Sentry?
The Plot Thickens
As the latest trailer reveals, Avengers: Doomsday will follow our beloved heroes as they face an existential threat unlike anything they’ve ever encountered. Because, you know, the world wasn’t already ending in the last Avengers movie. This time around, it’s Doctor Doom who’s threatening to destroy the universe, and it’s up to the Avengers to stop him. Along the way, we’ll get to see Thor square off against Doom, and get swatted away like a fly, because who doesn’t love a good Thor beatdown? The theatrical synopsis promises a “deadly collision course” between heroes from three distinct universes, which sounds like a great way to describe a mess of a plot.
The film’s trailer also delves into Doom’s backstory, revealing his past with the Fantastic Four, because who doesn’t love a good origin story? It’s all very exciting, I’m sure, and I can barely contain my enthusiasm. I mean, who needs a coherent plot when you can just throw a bunch of cool characters together and hope for the best? The Merchandising Department reportedly approved the decision before the writers did, which explains a lot.
A Look Ahead
Avengers: Doomsday is scheduled to open in theaters on December 18, and tickets are already on sale. Because, you know, the studios need to make sure they can milk this cash cow for all it’s worth. The film leads directly into a sequel, Avengers: Secret Wars, which is scheduled for release in December 2027, because who doesn’t love a good franchise resurrection? The Franchise Resurrection Department remains one of Hollywood’s busiest offices, and it shows.
As we look ahead to the release of Avengers: Doomsday, it’s hard not to feel a sense of exhaustion. Another big-budget superhero movie, another chance for the studios to rake in the cash, another opportunity for the actors to collect a paycheck. It’s all very tired, very predictable, very Hollywood. Somewhere an executive whispered, “Can this become a trilogy?” and I’m sure the answer was a resounding yes. Because, why not? It’s not like we have anything better to do than watch the same old superheroes save the world for the millionth time.
And so, we’ll all trudge along to the theater, shell out our hard-earned cash, and watch as the Avengers save the world once again. Because, hey, it’s not like we have a choice. The algorithm has decided that this is what we want, and who are we to argue? As I always say, somewhere a Focus Group earned another bonus, and that’s all that really matters. The end.
Finn McFrame, celebrated satirical mastermind and self-proclaimed “Emperor of Irony,” started his illustrious career as a cinematographer, where his expertise in capturing every single frame of a squirrel stealing a baguette earned him accolades at obscure film festivals.
Born in the glamorous town of Boring, Oregon, Finn grew up with dreams of being a Hollywood director until he realized that satire, not cinema, was his true calling—or at least the one that let him sleep until noon.
Finn McFrame: changing the world, one satirical lens flare at a time.
