OMG! 😱 Another band member bites the dust! 💀 Apparently, STONE TEMPLE PILOTS’ resident stickman Eric Kretz has decided that touring with the JOE PERRY PROJECT is less important than… *checks notes* …a “family emergency.” 🙄 Yeah, sure, Eric. We totally believe you. Probably just realized he’d rather watch paint dry than play those gigs. 😂 In his stead, we get the *thrilling* addition of Jason Sutter, a drummer so legendary, I had to Google him. 🤷♂️
So, picture this: Joe Perry, bless his heart ❤️, is still trying to make his solo project a thing. Like, seriously, dude? Just stick to AEROSMITH and let the youngsters have their turn!👴 But no, he’s dragging along Brad Whitford (because, let’s be honest, what else is Brad doing? 😴), some guy named Buck Johnson who plays “keys,” (whatever, Jan Hammer did it better 🔥) and, wait for it… Chris Robinson from THE BLACK CROWES! 🐦⬛ Did someone lose a bet? And, because one STP member apparently isn’t enough to bore us, we also get Robert DeLeo! 🎉 Is this supposed to be some kind of supergroup? More like a super snooze-fest! 😴😴😴
Perry, in his infinite wisdom, posted on social media (because where else would a rock legend announce earth-shattering news? 📱) that Kretz is out due to… wait for it… a “family emergency.” 🚨 Ground control to Major Bore, is there any original excuse in that old brain of yours? He also says Eric “looks forward to rejoining the tour as soon as he is able.” Sure, Joe, keep dreaming! 🌈
Here are the dates, in case you’re a masochist:
August 13 – Tampa, FL @ Seminole Hard Rock – Tampa (Because nothing says “rock ‘n’ roll” like a casino in Florida. 🎰)
August 14 – Hollywood, FL @ Seminole Hard Rock – Hollywood (Double the Hard Rock, double the fun… or something. 🥴)
August 16 – Toronto, ON @ HISTORY (I’m pretty sure history will forget this show ever happened. 💀)
August 17 – Muskoka, ON @ Kee to Bala (Sounds like a yoga retreat. Namaste 🙏… away from this concert!)
August 19 – Boston, MA @ Wang Theatre (Fitting venue name for such a lackluster show. 💩)
August 20 – Hampton Beach, NH @ Hampton Beach Casino Ballroom (More casinos! Because rock ‘n’ roll and gambling go hand-in-hand, right? 🤝)
August 22 – Mashantucket, CT @ The Premier Theater at Foxwoods Resort Casino (Can we get a casino bingo card going? 🎰🎰🎰)
August 23 – Port Chester, NY @ Capitol Theatre (Finally, a non-casino! But by this point, who even cares? 🤷♀️)
Back in May, Perry gushed (and I use that word loosely 💦) about how “excited” he is about this lineup. He claims these guys played with him at The Roxy in L.A. back in 2018. 🗓️ So, basically, this tour is just a rehash of something nobody cared about six years ago. 😂 He’s also “lucky enough” to have Brad Whitford. Lucky for whom, Joe? Certainly not the audience! And let’s not forget Chris Robinson, Robert DeLeo, and Buck Johnson, who apparently are all so “busy as hell” that they barely had time to grace us with their presence. 🙄 So generous of them!
Perry, in his delusional state, says the setlist will include his “fav JPP cuts,” STP songs (because, you know, Scott Weiland can totally be replaced 🎤), BLACK CROWES tunes (one can only hope they play “Hard to Handle” for the millionth time 🙄), and, with Brad, they’ll be “hitting the AERO hits.” So, basically, a karaoke night with a slightly more famous band. 🎤 He ends with the classic “GARAGE BAND on STEROIDS” line. 💪 More like “Geriatric Band on Metamucil!” 🧓
Oh, and let’s not forget Joe Perry‘s laundry list of accomplishments, because apparently we need to be reminded of how “iconic” he is. 🏆 150 million albums sold! 🎉 Grammy Awards! 🏆 Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame induction! 🎸 MTV Video Awards! 📺 Academy Award nomination! 🎬 The list goes on and on… It’s like reading a rock star’s resume! 🤣 He even had a “Guitar Hero” game! 🎮 Because nothing says “rock god” like being turned into a video game character. 🕹️ He’s also in the HOLLYWOOD VAMPIRES with Alice Cooper and Johnny Depp, because apparently being in one mediocre band isn’t enough. 🧛♂️ He even wrote a book! ✍️ A book that, shockingly, made the New York Times bestseller list! 📚 (Probably because everyone was curious to see if he could actually spell.) 🤣
In conclusion, if you have nothing better to do with your time and money, go see the JOE PERRY PROJECT. But don’t say I didn’t warn you. ⚠️ You’re better off staying home and listening to AEROSMITH‘s greatest hits… or, you know, watching paint dry. 🎨 At least that’s original content. 🤣
Chord F. Discord, the Beethoven of Buffoonery, is a self-taught expert in music who once claimed he could “play the kazoo in four languages.”
Born in Crescendo, Indiana, Chord’s first brush with fame came when he accidentally entered a yodeling contest thinking it was a pie-eating competition—and won both categories.
Chord F. Discord: proving that laughter, much like a poorly tuned ukulele, is truly universal.
