Dad Tells Kids About Good Old Days When You Didn’t Need To Download Firmware Updates For Toy Trains
MILWAUKEE, WI — Local dad Greg Evans took a trip down memory lane earlier this morning when he had to…
Month: December 2024
Pope Francis Decries Legal Head Shops Overrunning Vatican City
Read MoreThe OnionVATICAN CITY—Speaking to reporters in front of Saint Peter’s Holy Vape House in the heart of downtown, Pope…
In Lieu Of Coal, Santa Gives Naughty Children Season Tickets For The Chicago White Sox
U.S. — Horrified kids across the United States were reportedly left severely disappointed yesterday, as they discovered that Santa Claus…
🎤 «Mow or Die!» Anthrax Fans Demand Joey Belladonna’s Return to Horse Manure 🐴
In a shocking turn of events, fans of legendary thrash metal band Anthrax are clamoring for vocalist Joey Belladonna to…
Depraved Lawlessness: Biden Issues Full Pardon To Blippi
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In what experts said was perhaps the final and most disturbing development in the long list of…
Surgeon General: ‘You Are Supposed To Be Able To Button Your Pants’
Read MoreThe OnionWASHINGTON—Noting that the fasteners commonly found on most trousers were not merely ornamental, Surgeon General Vivek Murthy issued…
Chainsaw-Wielding Man Shot By Officers At Assisted Living Center
Read MoreThe OnionA man was shot and killed by police after allegedly threatening residents and staff of a suburban assisted…
😂 Happy Gilmore 2 Is Coming, and It’s as Chaotic as Sandler’s Life
Hollywood just can’t catch a break — or maybe Adam Sandler can’t. The 58-year-old comedy legend, once a top earner…
Rand Paul Floats Elon Musk For House Speaker
Read MoreThe OnionSenator Rand Paul (R-KY) is floating Elon Musk to be Speaker of the House after the powerful tech…
Foster Child Hopes Adoption Papers Not His Only Christmas Gift
Read MoreThe OnionCHARLOTTE, NC—After finding only a large, plain envelope with his name on it under the tree, local foster…