BREAKING: Shift Up, Creators of the Game That Shall Not Be Named (Unless You’re Into That Sort of Thing), Confirm Sequel to “Stellar Blade” Because Money, Duh. Scheduled for 2027, Prepare Your Wallets (and Other Things).
So, remember “Stellar Blade”? Yeah, the game that launched back in April 2024 and caused approximately 7.3 million arguments on the internet? The one where people either praised it as the second coming of gaming Jesus or decried it as a thinly veiled excuse for… well, you know? That one. Apparently, it made enough money 💰 (or at least, Shift Up *claims* it did) that they’re greenlighting a sequel. Buckle up, buttercups, because we’re in for another round of “Is this game feminist? Is it objectifying? Is it just plain fun?” Debates!
CGMagazine (bless their hearts) gave it a “mostly positive” review, which in the world of game reviews is basically the equivalent of saying “It didn’t completely suck.” They claim it “tries to put its own mark on the post-apocalyptic wasteland genre,” which is a fancy way of saying “It’s like everything else, but with slightly different textures.” But hey, at least their own writing allows them to say that. I mean, *we* can say whatever we want. Freedom of speech, baby! 🗣️
Shift Up, in a move that can only be described as peak corporate nonchalance, revealed their plans for a sequel in a financial earnings report. Yes, you read that right. Not a fancy press release, not a cryptic tweet, but a freaking BAR GRAPH. Because nothing says “We’re serious about this” like a poorly formatted Excel spreadsheet. You can see it for yourself (if you’re into that sort of thing) on their website. But be warned, it’s drier than the Sahara desert. 🏜️
Now, let’s dissect this “Core Strategy” nonsense. Shift Up apparently wants to “Develop games that receive long-term love and support.” Translation: They want to milk this franchise for all it’s worth. And who can blame them? Gamers are basically walking ATMs these days. 🏧
But wait, there’s more! The report also mentions the “Potential of Live Services” next to “Stellar Blade” and some mysterious “Project Witches” thingy. Which is described as a “AAA urban sci-fi action RPG”. Live service, you say? Oh boy! Prepare for endless microtransactions, battle passes, and the inevitable power creep that will make your favorite character obsolete in six months! Because nothing says “long-term love and support” like constantly having to pay to stay relevant. ❤️ (To their wallets, anyway.)
Shift Up also has “NIKKE: Goddess of Victory,” a game that is definitely known for its… uh… strategic gameplay. So they clearly know how to bleed players dry. I mean, keep them engaged.
And speaking of milking things dry, the original “Stellar Blade” is getting a PC port on June 11th. Because why not? Gotta squeeze every last drop of profit out of that sweet, sweet Eve-shaped cow. 🐄 Shift Up claims sales have “exceeded expectations,” which either means the game sold really well or their expectations were basement-level low. 🤔
So, there you have it. “Stellar Blade 2: Electric Boogaloo” (or whatever they end up calling it) is coming in 2027. Get ready for more philosophical debates, more questionable character designs, and more opportunities to throw your money at a screen. Because that’s what gaming is all about, right?
But hey, remember to take all this with a grain of salt. Until Shift Up makes an “official announcement,” this is all just speculation. Of course, we all know that financial reports are totally unreliable sources of information, so who knows what’s *really* going on? Maybe they’re secretly developing a dating sim where you romance the robots from “Horizon: Zero Dawn.” Now *that’s* a game I’d play. 🤖❤️
Disclaimer: The author of this article may or may not have a strong bias against live service games and games with questionable character designs. But hey, opinions are like… well, you know. Everyone’s got one. And mine is that this is all going to be a glorious train wreck. 🚂💥
Pixel P. Snarkbyte, widely regarded as the “Shakespeare of Sh*tposts,” is a video game expert with a unique knack for turning pixels into punchlines.
Born in the small town of Respawn, Pennsylvania, Pixel grew up mashing buttons on an ancient NES controller, firmly believing that “blowing into the cartridge” was a sacred ritual passed down through generations.
Pixel P. Snarkbyte: proving that life, much like a buggy open-world game, is better with a little lag-induced chaos.
