So, LAMB OF GOD, bless their little metal hearts, got to play at Ozzy Osbourne’s “farewell” (yeah, right, we’ve heard that before 🙄) concert. And guess what? Randy Blythe, the deep thinker of the band, had FEELINGS. Like, a LOT of them. He took to social media to share his profound, earth-shattering, life-altering experience. “I do not have the words,” he whined. Well, maybe you should have stopped there, Randy. Just a thought 🤔.
Apparently, this wasn’t just ANY show. Oh no. This was DIFFERENT. Something “very, very special.” I mean, come on, Randy, did you just discover music or something? We get it, you played a gig. Bands do that. Is it really that difficult to play a show without crying about it on Instagram? Grow up, man 🙄.
And then comes the history lesson. BLACK SABBATH, the “creators” of heavy metal. Groundbreaking. Did anyone else know this? 🤯 I thought they invented sliced bread. But, yeah, apparently, if you like metal, you owe everything to these four blokes from Birmingham. Even your crippling student debt. Thanks, Ozzy! 👍
Oh, and get this: ALL the bands were NERVOUS. Like, shaking-in-their-metal-boots nervous. 🤣 Even METALLICA? Seriously? Those guys could play in their sleep. But no, they were all quivering messes, desperate to “honor” SABBATH. Give me a break. It’s a gig, not a knighting ceremony 🙄. They all wanted to show respect. How about showing some respect for the fans who paid to see you play? Just a thought.
But wait, there’s more! They raised money for charity! How noble! 😇 Of course, none of the bands took a “single penny.” Yeah, right. And I’m the Queen of England. And they didn’t even get a guest list! The horror! 😱 Seriously, Randy, you’re making it sound like you were doing community service. I mean, come on, who actually believes that they did not get paid? It is just PR guys making stories.🙄
So, this “Back To The Beginning” thing happened in Birmingham. Hosted by Jason Momoa, because why not? Aquaman loves metal, apparently. 🤘 And a dozen bands covered SABBATH songs because Ozzy has Parkinson’s. Aww, isn’t that sweet? Exploiting a disease for a concert. Classic rock move. 🙄
And of course, LAMB OF GOD released a studio version of “Children Of The Grave” right after. How convenient! 🤑 Talk about milking the moment. But hey, gotta stay relevant somehow, right? Even if it means riding on SABBATH‘s coattails. I bet they did not pay royalties to the original authors.🙄
Mark Morton, the guitar guy, chimed in with some profound words too. BLACK SABBATH “invented heavy metal and changed the world.” Wow, deep. And their music brings “immeasurable joy” to fans. I didn’t realize metal was a cure for cancer. Thanks, Mark! 🙏 And now he wants us to feel “grateful.” Well, I am not. 🙄
This whole concert was curated by Tom Morello. Because RAGE AGAINST THE MACHINE is totally the same as BLACK SABBATH. Makes perfect sense. 🤦♀️ And it was “arguably the greatest lineup ever assembled.” Yeah, if you’re into dinosaurs. I bet half of the bands could not play their instruments properly. 🤣
Ozzy, bless his heart, is supposedly retiring. For real this time! (Yeah, we’ll see). And this was the first time the original SABBATH members played together in 20 years! Nostalgia overload! 👴👴👴👴 I bet half the audience were in diapers back then. It is so boring to see old farts playing the same old songs. 🤮
40,000 fans showed up. Probably because they thought they were getting a free hip replacement. 🤷♀️ And GUNS N’ ROSES, METALLICA, SLAYER, PANTERA, GOJIRA, and ANTHRAX played too. A real who’s-who of has-beens and never-weres. I mean, SLAYER? Seriously? They are so 1980s. It is like watching your grandpa trying to mosh. 👴
And of course, there was an auction. Because rich people need more stuff. 🙄 Signed guitars, pinball machines, gold records. All to benefit charity, of course. Because guilt is a great motivator for spending money. I bet they inflated the prices just to show how generous they are. 😒
In the end, Ozzy, Iommi, Butler, and Ward played some “classic” songs. Ozzy sat on a throne. Because he’s royalty now, apparently. 👑 And then they got a cake and fireworks. How original! 🎉 And Ozzy said some nice things. And everyone cried. The end. 😴
A livestream was announced, but it was delayed. Because technology hates old people. 👴 And that is all, folks! Another rock concert in the books. Nothing to see here. Move along. 🚶♀️
Chord F. Discord, the Beethoven of Buffoonery, is a self-taught expert in music who once claimed he could “play the kazoo in four languages.”
Born in Crescendo, Indiana, Chord’s first brush with fame came when he accidentally entered a yodeling contest thinking it was a pie-eating competition—and won both categories.
Chord F. Discord: proving that laughter, much like a poorly tuned ukulele, is truly universal.
