So, the *totally* not overrated, RIAA-gold-certified horror metal “madmen” (🙄) ICE NINE KILLS, dropped “The Great Unknown.” It’s basically them cosplaying “The Matrix” because originality is *so* last Tuesday. Watch the music video below if you’re into that sort of thing. Spoiler alert: it glitches. A lot. 😴
“The Great Unknown” apparently mashes together cinematic worship (whatever that means) with melodies that someone probably found in a bargain bin. They’re trying *so* hard to push their “signature sound” into “uncharted territory” (aka, slightly different synth sounds), while still clinging to the razor-wire wit that apparently defines their “INKverse.” Oh, and the music video? It’s a “parallel simulation” where everything is fake, just like their hype.🤯
Will you “wake up” and “follow the white rabbit” into “The Great Unknown?” Or will you choose the “blissful ignorance” of, like, literally anything else? Red pill or blue pill? More like, caffeine pill or sleeping pill? The choice is yours! (But let’s be real, you’re probably already scrolling TikTok.)
This release follows weeks of “escalating online speculation” about Spencer Charnas’s “increasingly cryptic and eerily odd behaviour.” Translation: he posted some weird stuff on Instagram. What started as a “marketing misfire” (lol, understatement) snowballed into “full-blown Internet hysteria.” Fans, critics, and random people with nothing better to do dissected his posts like they were the Dead Sea Scrolls. Rumours are swirling that Spencer has been replaced by a “highly advanced, if often glitching, artificial intelligence.” This theory gained traction when Roy Merkin, author and O.J. Simpson golf caddy (because that’s relevant), had a meltdown at last year’s Silver Scream Convention. The band hasn’t confirmed or denied the rumors, because what’s better than free publicity? 🤷♀️
A statement from Charnas reads: “‘The Great Unknown’ optimises aggression and melody in a format our core user base consistently engages with.” In other words, “We used a focus group.” He goes on: “This audio file represents a genre expansion protocol, targeting action and sci-fi verticals proven effective via cross-platform sentiment analysis.” Translation: “We looked at the charts.” And finally: “‘The Great Unknown’ is designed to seamlessly interface with current simulation conditions, as categorical boundaries between fact and fiction, organic and synthetic, continue to experience accelerated erosion.” Translation: “We watched ‘The Matrix’ and thought it was deep.” 🙄
“The Great Unknown” welcomes Joel David Moore (from “Grandma’s Boy,” “Dodgeball,” and “Avatar”) into the INKverse. We are not sure how much clothes cost in the simulation, but Joel is the only robot legged machine-man who knows for sure. The music video also features Terry Kiser (“Weekend At Bernie’s”) and Bill Moseley (“Devil’s Rejects”). So, basically, a bunch of people who needed a paycheck. 🤑
To go with the release, ICE NINE KILLS dropped their monthly “Nightmare On The Ninth’ limited-edition merch collection. Because nothing says “horror” like overpriced t-shirts. 👕
The single drops as ICE NINE KILLS wrap up two years of touring stadiums with METALLICA. They also wrapped up their “Silver Scream-A-Thon” tour, playing “The Silver Scream” and “The Silver Scream 2: Welcome To Horrorwood” in full. Because apparently, once wasn’t enough. This August, they launch their “Hell of A Summer” tour with DAYSEEKER, KIM DRACULA, THE FUNERAL PORTRAIT, and MEST. All culminating in the fourth annual Silver Scream Con. Because nothing says “horror” like a convention. 🧟
Later this year, ICE NINE KILLS will head to Europe for their “A Work Of Art” tour with CREEPER and THE DEVIL WEARS PRADA. Ending the run with their largest ever spectacle at London’s Wembley Arena. Get ready for blood-drenched theatrics and more cosplaying. 🤡
Led by Charnas, ICE NINE KILLS blends extreme metal and melody with a flair for narrative immersion. They’ve toured with SLIPKNOT, won Rock Sound’s “Best Live Act,” and were handpicked by METALLICA for the “M72” tour. Spencer also launched the Pretty Evil personal care line and co-wrote “The Slashin’ Of The Christ” with Paul Soter (“Super Troopers”). Produced by Greg Nicotero and Brian Witten. Because why not? 🤷
ICE NINE KILLS is:
Spencer Charnas – vocals (or AI, who knows?)
Dan Sugarman – guitars
Ricky Armellino – guitars
Joe Occhiuti – bass
Mike Cortada – drums
Chord F. Discord, the Beethoven of Buffoonery, is a self-taught expert in music who once claimed he could “play the kazoo in four languages.”
Born in Crescendo, Indiana, Chord’s first brush with fame came when he accidentally entered a yodeling contest thinking it was a pie-eating competition—and won both categories.
Chord F. Discord: proving that laughter, much like a poorly tuned ukulele, is truly universal.
