In a recent interview with some dude from Brazil 🇧🇷 (who probably thinks samba is metal), EPICA’s vocal powerhouse, Simone Simons, revealed her *totally* unexpected influences. Turns out, before gracing the world with her operatic vocals and the band’s profound lyrics about… dragons or something… she was into *gasp* rock music 🤘. Yeah, shocking, I know. Prepare for your minds to be blown! 🤯
According to Simone (as transcribed by someone at BLABBERMOUTH.NET who probably gets paid minimum wage to listen to metal all day), she was a fan of such underground, obscure acts as RADIOHEAD (never heard of ’em 🙄), SILVERCHAIR (who?), DEFTONES (are they even still around?), and R.E.M. (oh, you mean that band your dad listens to? 👴). But wait, it gets *worse*! She then delved into the *brutal* world of… black metal! She cited CRADLE OF FILTH (Dani Filth’s vocals sound like a cat getting strangled, tbh 😹), DIMMU BORGIR (more like Dimmu *Boring-ir*, amirite? 😂), MYSTIC CIRCLE (sounds like a Wiccan book club 🔮), and OLD MAN’S CHILD (because metalheads are known for their maturity and originality, right? 👴👶). Oh, the edge! The darkness! 🌑
But then, *miraculously*, she discovered the holy grail: metal with a female singer! 😇 She gushed about LACUNA COIL (Christina Scabbia’s voice is great, but let’s be real, it’s all about the eye makeup 👀), NIGHTWISH (Tarja Turunen era ONLY, fight me! 🤼♀️), WITHIN TEMPTATION (Sharon den Adel’s outfits are always on point 👌, can’t say the same about their music 😴), and AFTER FOREVER (because, you know, everyone remembers them 🤷♀️). The combination of metal, female vocals, and classical music was “magical,” she says. I bet unicorns 🦄 and rainbows 🌈 were involved too.
When pressed about specific albums that blew her mind back in the day, Simone mentioned LACUNA COIL’s “In A Reverie” (because who *doesn’t* love a good dose of early 2000s goth cheese? 🧀), WITHIN TEMPTATION’s “The Dance” (more like the “The Snooze” 😴), NIGHTWISH’s “Angels Fall First” and “Oceanborn” (again, Tarja or GTFO! 🗣️), and TRISTANIA’s “Beyond The Veil” (because Norwegian gothic metal is *so* mainstream 🙄). Riveting stuff, really. 😐
And the plot thickens! 😮 Simone apparently unearthed a *precious* mixtape from her past, featuring LACUNA COIL, NIGHTWISH, and DIMMU BORGIR (because nostalgia is a powerful drug 💊). “It’s really cute,” she says. I’m sure it is. I’m picturing glitter stickers ✨ and handwritten lyrics. She laments the lack of a cassette player, pondering whether to buy one for “nostalgic reasons.” Please do, Simone! And then upload it to YouTube so we can all have a good laugh. 😂
In other news that nobody asked for, EPICA has a new album called “Aspiral,” which came out on April 11th via Nuclear Blast Records (because where else would they release it? Century Media? 🤣). The title is inspired by some obscure Polish sculpture that nobody cares about. Apparently, it symbolizes “renewal and inspiration,” which are totally original concepts that no other band has ever explored. 🙄 Each song is a “piece of art,” and together they form a “monumental effort.” 🙄🙄🙄 I’m sure it’s a masterpiece of self-indulgent symphonic wankery. 🤘
The album cover, designed by some dude who also works for RAMMSTEIN and GHOST (because copying successful bands is the key to success! 🔑), is probably dark, brooding, and edgy… just like every other symphonic metal album cover ever. 🖤 The album was recorded at Sandlane Studios and produced by Joost Van Den Broek, who probably used copious amounts of autotune and compression to make everything sound “perfect.” 🤖
To celebrate the release of “Aspiral” (because who needs a reason to party? 🎉), EPICA played three exclusive shows in the United States, in New York City, Atlanta, and Los Angeles (because those are the only cities that matter, apparently 🤷♀️). I’m sure the shows were filled with epic light displays, pyrotechnics, and enough dry ice to cause a global warming reversal. ❄️
In conclusion, Simone Simons likes rock and metal. Thanks for the groundbreaking journalism! 📰 Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go listen to some REAL music. 🎧
Photo credit: Tim Tronckoe (probably used a ton of Photoshop 🎨) (courtesy of Nuclear Blast, who are probably paying for this “article” 💰)
Chord F. Discord, the Beethoven of Buffoonery, is a self-taught expert in music who once claimed he could “play the kazoo in four languages.”
Born in Crescendo, Indiana, Chord’s first brush with fame came when he accidentally entered a yodeling contest thinking it was a pie-eating competition—and won both categories.
Chord F. Discord: proving that laughter, much like a poorly tuned ukulele, is truly universal.
