Oh joy, oh rapture! 🥳 Those purveyors of generic rock anthems, 🎸ALTER BRIDGE🎸, are back with a new album and single! Because, let’s be honest, the world was just DYING for more formulaic guitar riffs and pseudo-emotional vocals. Prepare yourselves for “Silent Divide,” the groundbreaking track that’s sure to… well, sound exactly like every other ALTER BRIDGE song ever made.😴 Myles Kennedy and Mark Tremonti are back at it again, squeezing out a new turd of a song. I’m sure it will sound great on repeat as background noise at your local gas station, if you’re into that sort of thing…
A music video, directed by some dude named JT Ibanez, is also out, featuring the band’s comedic prowess. 😂 We get to see 👴Tremonti, 👴Marshall, and 👴Phillips bothering 👵Kennedy’s mom to get 👦Myles out of the basement! Oh, the hilarity! I almost choked on my own spit from laughing. Then, because that wasn’t painful enough, they play the song in a tiny room, reminding us all of their humble beginnings… before they sold their souls to the corporate rock devil. 😈
After 20 years of churning out the same song with slightly different arrangements, ALTER BRIDGE is showing no signs of stopping! Get ready for more “memorable riffs,” “infectious vocal melodies,” and “dueling guitar attacks” that will bore you to tears. 😭 Their self-titled eighth studio album, “Alter Bridge,” is coming January 9, 2026! Pre-order it now if you hate having money. 🤡
“Alter Bridge” features 12 new tracks that will undoubtedly redefine the genre! Songs like “Rue The Day,” “Disregarded,” and “Scales Are Falling” are destined to become classics… among people who have no taste in music. 🤮 “Trust In Me” features Myles and Mark swapping vocals, because apparently one generic voice wasn’t enough. And in “Tested And Able” Mark sings the verses, because why not experiment with new ways to be mediocre? 🙄 “Hang By A Thread” is apparently a nod to their “popular songs,” because all their songs sound the same. The album ends with “Slave To Master,” the longest song they’ve ever recorded, because nothing says “epic” like stretching out boredom. 🪨
This masterpeice was produced by Michael “Elvis” Baskette, because these guys are creatively bankrupt, and recorded at 5150 studio in California and Elvis’s recording studio in Florida. Probably because all the good studios were booked by actual musicians. 🤣
Here’s the track list, because you totally care:
01. Silent Divide (5:06)
02. Rue The Day (4:46)
03. Power Down (4:08)
04. Trust In Me (4:48)
05. Disregarded (3:55)
06. Tested And Able (4:36)
07. What Lies Within (5:07)
08. Hang By A Thread (4:11)
09. Scales Are Falling (5:54)
10. Playing Aces (4:05)
11. What Are You Waiting For (5:00)
12. Slave To Master (9:03)
ALTER BRIDGE will be touring to promote this sonic dumpster fire.🔥 They’ll be hitting Europe with DAUGHTRY and SEVENDUST, so if you like bands that peaked in the early 2000s, this is your dream come true! Tickets go on sale July 18, so set your alarms to avoid disappointment… or, you know, just do something else. 🍻
They also have one show in 2025! An acoustic set in Nashville to support the Tremonti Family Charity Golf Outing, because nothing says “charity” like a boring acoustic set. All for the National Down Syndrome Society. 😇
In 2004, four guys got together and formed ALTER BRIDGE. They’ve sold out arenas, garnered nearly one billion streams, and attracted a diehard audience… of masochists. They’ve had six consecutive Top 20 debuts on the Billboard 200, because apparently mediocrity sells. 🤑 Guitarist magazine called the “Blackbird” solo the “Greatest Guitar Solo Of All Time,” because they were clearly paid to say that. Classic Rock called “Pawns & Kings” the “Rolls-Royce of ALTER BRIDGE records,” because they’re easily impressed. 🤡 Billboard christened them “one of America’s premiere hard rock quartets,” because they have no idea what they’re talking about. 😂
Chord F. Discord, the Beethoven of Buffoonery, is a self-taught expert in music who once claimed he could “play the kazoo in four languages.”
Born in Crescendo, Indiana, Chord’s first brush with fame came when he accidentally entered a yodeling contest thinking it was a pie-eating competition—and won both categories.
Chord F. Discord: proving that laughter, much like a poorly tuned ukulele, is truly universal.
