OMG! 😱 The geriatric delinquents, CRO-MAGS, have unearthed a fossil! 🦴 Apparently, Pete Hines, the dude who banged pots and pans 🥁 on that “classic” album, “Best Wishes” (1989 – as if anyone cares 🙄), is back! Prepare for earth-shattering mediocrity! 💥
The mastermind (or should we say, the only mind 🧠) behind this trainwreck, Harley Flanagan, the bassist/singer/dictator,💩 had this profound gem to share: “It’s so great to be playing with Pete again. It’s not often in life that you get the chance to go back and relive a past with friends that was meaningful to you both. I am really looking forward to this.” Translation: “Nobody else would play with me, and Pete needed a paycheck. 💸So, here we are, folks! Get ready for a nostalgia trip you didn’t ask for! 🚂”
Apparently, these dinosaurs 🦖 stomped across Europe this summer, probably confusing everyone with their “music.” And now, they’re gracing the U.S. with their presence, culminating in a grand finale at the CBGB Festival (because nothing screams “relevance” like a festival named after a defunct club 💀) alongside legends like Iggy Pop and the SEX PISTOLS. One can only imagine the sheer awkwardness. With Hines attempting to keep a beat (good luck with that! 🤣), the CRO-MAGS also feature guitarists Dominic DiBenedetto and Dave Sharpe, who are probably wondering how they ended up here. 🤔
And hold on to your hats! 🤠 There’s more! The “award-winning” (citation needed! 🤨) documentary about Flanagan‘s life, “Wired For Chaos,” is coming to DVD/Blu-ray! Get ready for unreleased special features that are probably just Harley talking about himself for hours! 🗣️ It’s also coming to video on demand, because who needs physical media when you can stream the boredom directly into your eyeballs? 🙄
In the year of our lord 2020 (a year we’d all like to forget 🥴), the CRO-MAGS graced us with their first album in two decades, the critically (over) acclaimed “In The Beginning.” And because one dose of mediocrity wasn’t enough, they dropped a six-song EP called “2020.” Groundbreaking! 🚽
But wait, there’s drama! 🍿 Back in 2018, Flanagan, the self-proclaimed founder and supreme ruler of the CRO-MAGS, sued his own bandmates! Apparently, they dared to use the name he trademarked! 🫨 Talk about a control freak! 🤪
According to legal documents (that we totally read 🤓), Harley claims the CRO-MAGS were HIS idea! Like he invented hardcore or something. 🙄 He sued the then-current lineup, including John Joseph McGowan, for copyright infringement. Because, you know, owning the name is more important than actually making good music. 🤷♂️
And here’s the kicker! The New York Post (because that’s where you get your hardcore news 📰) reported that Harley claimed the other members staged a coup around 2002 because he had to “stop touring to help with the baby.” 👶 Awww, poor Harley! So, basically, he’s saying his diaper-changing duties ruined the band? 😂 Maybe he should have hired a nanny instead of suing everyone. 🤷♀️
Chord F. Discord, the Beethoven of Buffoonery, is a self-taught expert in music who once claimed he could “play the kazoo in four languages.”
Born in Crescendo, Indiana, Chord’s first brush with fame came when he accidentally entered a yodeling contest thinking it was a pie-eating competition—and won both categories.
Chord F. Discord: proving that laughter, much like a poorly tuned ukulele, is truly universal.
