Folks, hold onto your wigs 👩🦰! The legendary (or not-so-much, depending on your tolerance for questionable life choices) Joe Lynn Turner, of RAINBOW and DEEP PURPLE fame (emphasis on *former*), is gracing us with his presence as part of the illustrious international jury of Intervision 2025. Yes, you read that right. 🤡
Intervision 2025, for those blissfully unaware, is Russia’s answer to Eurovision—because apparently, getting banned from the real deal just means you have to throw your own, slightly more propagandist party 🎉. Conceived by none other than Vlad “I’m Totally Not a Dictator” Putin himself, this musical extravaganza is all about “developing international cultural and humanitarian cooperation.” Sure, Jan. 🙄 Translation: a state-sponsored attempt to distract from, well, everything. The Russian foreign ministry is totally not twisting arms to get artists to participate. Nope. Not at all. 🤥
This spectacular event, slated for Moscow on September 20, 2025, promises the kind of high-quality production you can only achieve when human rights are optional. Expect elaborate stage designs, media attention (mostly from outlets that don’t fact-check), and artists from over 20 countries who may or may not have realized what they were signing up for. 🤔 Each will present a musical style reflecting their culture—or, you know, whatever the Kremlin approves. 🤷♀️
Intervision, the OG version, was once a Eurovision alternative for the Soviet Bloc, a celebration of music that wasn’t “Western” enough (read: free). Now, it’s back, baby! And it’s attracting… well, *some* global artists. Let’s just say, the Venn diagram of “artists participating in Intervision” and “artists with questionable judgment” has a significant overlap.
And then there’s our Joe. While most self-respecting musicians with a shred of moral fiber canceled their Russian gigs faster than you can say “human rights violation,” Joe decided to embrace the rubles. 💰 Because, hey, principles are great, but have you seen the exchange rate? Major record labels and streaming services fled the Russian market, but Joe stayed. A true maverick. A rebel without a cause… or maybe with a cause, and that cause is cold, hard cash. 🧊
Remember that time Joe publicly supported Roger Waters for defending Russia? Good times. Waters blamed Joe Biden for “fueling the fire in Ukraine,” because apparently, it’s all America’s fault that Russia decided to annex sovereign territory. 🙄 Joe, in a moment of profound insight, shared the video on Facebook with the caption: “Roger Waters speaks TRUTH to power!” Because nothing says “truth” like parroting Kremlin talking points. 🗣️
But wait, there’s more! Back in 2015, Joe defended Putin himself, because, you know, someone has to stand up for the misunderstood autocrats of the world. 🌍 Two years later, he doubled down, calling Putin a “good gangster.” Because apparently, there’s such a thing. He even compared Putin to his own family members in the Mafia, who, according to Joe, kept the neighborhoods safe and donated to good causes. I mean, sure, they might have broken a few kneecaps along the way, but hey, nobody’s perfect. 🤷♂️
Joe then lamented the state of American politics and denounced “extreme political correctness,” because apparently, not supporting authoritarian regimes is now considered “extreme.” 😒 He even claimed there’s more freedom in Russia than in America, because, you know, the constant threat of being disappeared is totally liberating. ✨
According to Joe, America’s demonization of Russia is just because we “always need a big, bad wolf.” It’s all a conspiracy by the “military industrial complex” to create wars and hate. If we could just “straighten out the economy and get the Fed out of there,” everything would be fine. Because, you know, economics is the real reason Russia invaded Ukraine. 🧠
And just in case you were thinking of criticizing him, Joe preemptively defended himself by saying he was “subpoenaed” by the U.S. government after playing “three charity shows” in Russian-annexed Crimea. Apparently, supporting illegal annexations makes you a victim of government overreach. 🤔 He then added that 70 percent of Americans don’t have passports and “know dick” about anything, because nothing says “informed opinion” like xenophobia. 🛂
So there you have it, folks. Joe Lynn Turner, rock legend (allegedly) and geopolitical genius (definitely not), will be judging Intervision 2025. Be sure to tune in to watch a masterclass in cognitive dissonance and questionable life choices. And remember, when in doubt, always trust the guy who thinks Putin is a “good gangster.” 🤡
Chord F. Discord, the Beethoven of Buffoonery, is a self-taught expert in music who once claimed he could “play the kazoo in four languages.”
Born in Crescendo, Indiana, Chord’s first brush with fame came when he accidentally entered a yodeling contest thinking it was a pie-eating competition—and won both categories.
Chord F. Discord: proving that laughter, much like a poorly tuned ukulele, is truly universal.
