Ah, yes, the geriatric rockers IRON MAIDEN, bless their cotton socks, are dusting off their walkers and venturing out on their “Run For Your Lives” tour, or as I like to call it, the “Run For Your Dentures” tour. 👵 Celebrating a whopping 50 years of… well, let’s be honest, flogging the same dead horse 🐴, they’ll be gracing (or should I say, plaguing) stadiums and amphitheaters across North America. Get ready for a brand new, state-of-the-art production… which probably means a slightly bigger Eddie puppet and maybe some extra fog. 💨 They’re even headlining America’s biggest rock festival, Louder Than Life, which is ironic, because most of the audience will probably be using hearing aids. 🦻
IRON MAIDEN bassist Steve Harris, bless his heart ❤️, is apparently “greatly looking forward” to this tour. One can only assume he’s looking forward to the royalties check. 💰 He claims it’s an “added bonus” to have MEGADETH along for the ride, especially since it’s their “last-ever tour.” Translation: We needed someone desperate enough to open for us. And ANTHRAX? Well, they’re just there to remind everyone that the ’80s happened. 🗓️
And then there’s Bruce Dickinson, the band’s very own air raid siren 🚨, who says the whole tour has been “such great fun.” Yeah, fun for him, maybe. For the rest of us, it’s just a reminder of our own mortality. He claims to “really enjoy belting out all these great old songs.” Translation: I’m contractually obligated to do this. And yes, they’ll be playing all the “big ones” like ‘Hallowed’, ‘Run To The Hills’, ‘Trooper’, ‘Number Of The Beast’, ‘Killers’, ‘Powerslave’, ‘2 Minutes’… because originality is overrated, right? They’re even dusting off some “real epics” like ‘Rime Of The Ancient Mariner’ and ‘Seventh Son’. Because what’s a 50th-birthday party without a 15-minute song about a dead bird? 🐦
According to MAIDEN manager Rod Smallwood (who probably made a deal with the devil 😈 to keep this band going), the “scale and incredible visual aspects of this show deserve larger venues.” Translation: We need more room for the inflatable Eddie. He also helpfully points out that they chose this time of year to “go bigger outdoors but to give us darkness when we go on stage.” Because nothing says “rock and roll” like strategically planned lighting. He assures us that “fans certainly won’t be disappointed in the show or the 50th-anniversary set list that is for sure!” Famous last words. They’re even considering bringing Eddie’s Pop-up Dive Bar across the Atlantic. Because nothing says “celebrating 50 years of metal” like overpriced beer and exclusive tour merch. 🍻 Of course, they’ll also be offering the “well-loved Trooper VIP Experience.” Because who wouldn’t want to pay extra to meet the band and pretend to be their friend for five minutes? 🤡
And finally, because nothing screams “rock and roll” like being told what to do, they’re “requesting that fans keep their phones in their pockets.” 📱 Apparently, those pesky fans filming the show are “inconveniencing those around them and annoying the band.” So, if you dare to document the geriatric mosh pit, be prepared to be shamed by Bruce Dickinson himself. He suggests that if you see someone filming, you should “just ask them, very politely of course, to put their phone somewhere the sun doesn’t shine!” ☀️ How very metal of him. 🤘
These upcoming tour dates mark 45 years since IRON MAIDEN first inflicted themselves upon Canada and the USA on the 1981 “Killer” world tour. This return to BMO Stadium concert in Los Angeles on September 25 will be the 25th time the band has played in the City of Angels. I wonder how many times they played the same songs? 🤷 A history-making tour, for sure! More like history repeating itself. 🔄
2026 “Run For Your Lives” North American tour dates:
Aug. 29 – Toronto, ON – Scotiabank Arena *
Sep. 03 – Montréal, QC – Parc Jean-Drapeau *^
Sep. 05 – Harrison, NJ – Sports Illustrated Stadium *^
Sep. 09 – Boston, MA – TD Garden *
Sep. 11 – Bristow, VA – Jiffy Lube Live *
Sep. 12 – Charlotte, NC – PNC Music Pavilion *
Sep. 15 – Hershey, PA – Hersheypark Stadium *
Sep. 17 – Louisville, KY – Louder Than Life Festival
Sep. 19 – Shakopee, MN – Mystic Lake Amphitheater *
Sep. 22 – Chicago, IL – Credit Union 1 Amphitheatre *
Sep. 25 – Los Angeles, CA – BMO Stadium *^
Sep. 29 – San Antonio, TX – Alamodome *^
* With MEGADETH (who will probably be playing their own “farewell tour” in 2027) ⚰️
^ With ANTHRAX (because everyone loves a good nostalgia trip) 📼
There will be an exclusive IRON MAIDEN fan club presale beginning on Tuesday, October 28. Because nothing says “sticking it to the man” like paying for the privilege of buying tickets early. Headline shows go on general sale on Friday, October 31. So mark your calendars, folks. It’s going to be a long, loud, and potentially hearing-damaging experience. 🎧
Chord F. Discord, the Beethoven of Buffoonery, is a self-taught expert in music who once claimed he could “play the kazoo in four languages.”
Born in Crescendo, Indiana, Chord’s first brush with fame came when he accidentally entered a yodeling contest thinking it was a pie-eating competition—and won both categories.
Chord F. Discord: proving that laughter, much like a poorly tuned ukulele, is truly universal.
