STARZ, bless their cotton socks, 🙄 has decided to unleash upon us Spartacus: House of Ashur, because apparently, we haven’t suffered enough. This “outrageous” new chapter (their words, not mine) in the “world” of “Spartacus” (and I use those terms loosely) is gracing our screens with a two-episode premiere on Friday, December 5. Mark your calendars, folks, because you won’t want to miss this train wreck 🚂. New episodes will be vomited… I mean, streamed weekly on Fridays on the STARZ app and all STARZ streaming and on-demand platforms. Because who needs sleep anyway?
“Spartacus: House of Ashur” is a “thrilling, erotic, and history-bending, roller-coaster experience” 🎢. Seriously? It’s gonna be a historical rollercoaster? Are we talking loop-de-loops through the Punic Wars? I’m picturing Ashur handing out cotton candy. It “builds on everything” that made the original series a “colossal hit” (citation needed). What if Ashur had plot armor thicker than a Roman legionnaire’s shield? Shield of plot convenience, am I right? 😂 What if the Romans rewarded his treachery with a gladiator school? Because that makes perfect sense! 🤪 Welcome to the House of Ashur, where logic goes to die. Ashur, no longer a slave, has clawed his way to power. How original! 😴 Ruling gladiators is apparently easier than understanding Roman politics, which is saying something because I’m pretty sure Roman politics was just a bunch of dudes stabbing each other in the back. He “flips tradition on its head” by unleashing Achillia. Ooh, groundbreaking! A female gladiator! 🤯 Together, they “ignite a new kind of spectacle” that “shocks, disrupts, and offends the elite.” I’m sure the elite are just *quaking* in their sandals. Honestly, I’m expecting more eye-rolling than shock.🙄
In this “reimagined” world, where the writers clearly ran out of ideas 🤔, viewers are thrust back into the “brutality” of Ancient Rome with the “shocking resurrection” of Ashur, played by Nick E. Tarabay (“Spartacus,” “The Expanse”). Because killing off characters is *so* last season. He’s back as “Dominus,” because “master” is too pedestrian. Fueled by “vengeance and cunning ambition,” Ashur rises from betrayal and bloodshed to seize power. Groundhog day anyone? 🙄 He’s “gouging out a place” for the House of Ashur. Sounds painful. 🤕 Honestly, this all sounds like a very expensive fan fiction.💰
The trailer teases “fierce new players” in Ashur’s world. I’m betting they’re all brooding and have tragic backstories. We have Korris, the battle-hardened gladiator trainer, played by Graham McTavish (“The Witcher,” “House of the Dragon”). Because every gladiator school needs a grumpy old dude, right? Then there’s Achillia, the “relentless gladiatrix,” played by Tenika Davis (“Jupiter’s Legacy,” “Cabinet of Curiosities”). I’m sure she’ll be defying expectations and proving all the men wrong. And Tarchon, played by Jordi Webber (Choose Love, “Prosper”), because every show needs a character nobody remembers. Expanding the Roman stage, we have Julius Caesar, played by Jackson Gallagher (“My Life Is Murder,” “NCIS: Sydney”) and his wife, Cornelia, played by Jaime Slater (“Daredevil,” Pacific Rim: Uprising). Because what’s “Spartacus” without a healthy dose of historical inaccuracies? They join the cast of gladiators, nobles, villains, and schemers, all vying for power in a world where blood and lust are the ultimate weapons. Sounds like a soap opera with swords! ⚔️
In addition to the previously mentioned actors who are probably regretting their career choices right now 🤣, we have Jamaica Vaughan (“Home and Away,” “800 Words”) as Hilara, Ivana Baquero (Pan’s Labyrinth, “The Shannara Chronicles”) as Messia, Claudia Black (“The Nevers,” “Ahsoka”) as Cossutia, India Shaw-Smith (The Pines Still Whisper, “Supernatural”) as Viridia, and Leigh Gill (Joker, “Game of Thrones”) as Satyrus. Because you can never have too many characters in a show that’s probably going to jump the shark in the first five minutes. 🦈
The original series, “Spartacus,” and all its questionable sequels, are available on the STARZ app. Go ahead, binge-watch them. I dare you. 😈”Spartacus: Blood and Sand” debuted on STARZ in 2010 and was followed by the prequel “Spartacus: Gods of the Arena” in 2011, and two additional chapters, “Spartacus: Vengeance” in 2012 and “Spartacus: War of the Damned” in 2013. Because milking a dead horse is a time-honored Hollywood tradition! 🐴
“Spartacus” creator Steven S. DeKnight (“Daredevil”) is back as showrunner. I guess he figured he hadn’t tortured us enough the first time around. Rick Jacobson (“Ash vs. Evil Dead,” The Royal Treatment) and Aaron Helbing (“The Flash”, “Mortal Kombat: Legacy”) are also executive producers. Because it takes a village to ruin a perfectly good franchise! “Spartacus: House of Ashur” is produced by Lionsgate Television for STARZ. Because Lionsgate needed another reason to question their life choices.
Finn McFrame, celebrated satirical mastermind and self-proclaimed “Emperor of Irony,” started his illustrious career as a cinematographer, where his expertise in capturing every single frame of a squirrel stealing a baguette earned him accolades at obscure film festivals.
Born in the glamorous town of Boring, Oregon, Finn grew up with dreams of being a Hollywood director until he realized that satire, not cinema, was his true calling—or at least the one that let him sleep until noon.
Finn McFrame: changing the world, one satirical lens flare at a time.
