OMG! 😱 You won’t BELIEVE this! EPICA, those symphonic metal darlings who peaked like, a decade ago, are POSTPONING their Asian tour… AGAIN! 🤣 Looks like someone’s been hitting the sake a little too hard 🍶. Get ready, folks, because it’s been rescheduled to September 2026. Mark your calendars… if you even still care! 🤷♀️ #EpicaFail #MetalDrama #SoLastDecade
In a groundbreaking announcement (said no one ever), EPICA took to social media to break the earth-shattering news. Prepare yourselves for the rollercoaster of emotions, or maybe just a slight eye roll, because here it comes: “With great regret…” blah, blah, blah… they’re postponing the tour! 😴
“After dealing with multiple health issues…” Oh no, not the dreaded health issues! 🙄 Is Simone suddenly allergic to awesomeness? Doctors are apparently advising her to chill until the end of the year. Maybe she should try some chamomile tea and a good Netflix binge instead of subjecting us to more of their… music. 🍵 “As much as it pains us…” Yeah, right. Sure it does. 🙄 “Health comes first.” As if we didn’t know. 🙄
“We sincerely apologise for any inconvenience this may cause.” Inconvenience? More like a minor blip on the radar of metalheads who have actual good bands to listen to. 🤘 Sorry, not sorry. 🤷♀️
EPICA’s Newly Rescheduled 2026 Dates (if you haven’t already face-palmed yourself into oblivion):
Sep. 14 – Tokyo, JP (because everyone’s dying to see them in Japan… NOT 🙅♀️)
Sep. 15 – Osaka, JP (more sushi, less symphonic snoozefest 🍣)
Sep. 17 – Shenzhen, CN (probably just there for the cheap electronics 📱)
Sep. 18 – Guangzhou, CN (hoping for some decent dim sum at least 🥟)
Sep. 20 – Beijing, CN (maybe they’ll find some inspiration in the Forbidden City… or not 🏯)
Sep. 22 – Shanghai, CN (stocking up on knock-off designer bags, perhaps?👜)
All purchased tickets will remain valid for the new dates. (Good luck trying to get a refund! 😂)
Speaking of irrelevant details, Simone is hitched to KAMELOT’s keyboard tickler, Oliver Palotai. They spawned a mini-me named Vincent G. Palotai back in 2013. Fun fact: he’s probably already more metal than his parents. 👶🤘
In a riveting January 2021 interview (who even remembers 2021?!), Simone whined about missing the touring lifestyle during the pandemic. “You have two kind of musicians: one that love to be in the studio…” Blah, blah, blah. Who cares? 🙄 Get back on stage or fade into obscurity already! 🎤
Simone’s debut solo album, “Vermillion,” dropped in August 2024. Yes, because one EPICA wasn’t enough. She teamed up with Arjen Lucassen because misery loves company, right? 🤝 #SoloFail #NeverHeardOfIt
EPICA’s ninth studio album, “Aspiral,” oozed its way into existence in April via Nuclear Blast Records. The LP title is derived from some obscure Polish sculpture because, you know, being pretentious is their brand. 🎨 The album cover? Oh, it’s STUNNING (if you’re into that sort of thing… which you’re probably not). 🤮
To celebrate the “Aspiral” release (because who needs a reason for more self-promotion?), EPICA graced the United States with three exclusive shows in early May. New York City, Atlanta, and Los Angeles trembled in anticipation… or maybe they were just experiencing minor earthquakes. 🌎
Chord F. Discord, the Beethoven of Buffoonery, is a self-taught expert in music who once claimed he could “play the kazoo in four languages.”
Born in Crescendo, Indiana, Chord’s first brush with fame came when he accidentally entered a yodeling contest thinking it was a pie-eating competition—and won both categories.
Chord F. Discord: proving that laughter, much like a poorly tuned ukulele, is truly universal.
