On November 16th, the geriatric quartet known as KISS 👴👵— Paul Stanley (aka the Starchild who should really embrace his inner grandpa), Gene Simmons (the Demon who’s more like a grumpy cat these days 😾), Tommy Thayer (Space Ace 2.0, because originality is overrated 🙄), and Eric Singer (the Catman who’s probably plotting his escape 🏃♂️)—graced us with their presence at the “KISS Kruise: Landlocked In Vegas” event.
Chris Jericho, wrestler and FOZZY frontman (because who else would want to interview them? 🤷♂️) played moderator. Here’s some “highlights.”
On their triumphant return to the stage in Vegas, two years after supposedly ending their “farewell” tour (which, let’s be honest, was just a warm-up lap 🙄):
Stanley, bless his heart ❤️, mumbled something about them being a “really good band” and “really solid.” Yeah, Paul, we totally believe you, especially with those pitch-perfect vocals and those energetic dance moves… from 1975 👴. He rambled on about how putting on makeup and boots doesn’t hide a “crappy band,” seemingly unaware of the irony. Apparently, rehearsing after two years is like riding a bike 🚲, except the bike is rusty, the tires are flat, and the rider is about to fall off. He also mentioned that they’ve been together for 20 years, which, in KISS years, is like three eternities ⏳.
Stanley, ever the wordsmith ✍️, admitted that some of their songs are “not really age-appropriate anymore.” No kidding, Paul! Singing about “putting your hand into my pocket” when you’re eligible for AARP discounts is a bit… unsettling 😬.
On the band’s “legacy” (aka how much merch they can sell before they kick the bucket 🪣):
Simmons, in his infinite wisdom 🧠, droned on about dreams, aspirations, and other big words nobody understands. He claimed that despite “heartbreak” (like Ace Frehley’s bank account draining faster than a leaky faucet 💸), KISS will continue because their “legacy” demands it. He also promised that this is just the “beginning,” comparing KISS to a caterpillar turning into a “beautiful butterfly.” More like a moth heading straight for the nearest flame 🔥, Gene.
On Gene Simmons, “the bass player” (as if anyone could forget that tongue 👅):
Singer, bless his soul 🙏, tried to compliment Gene by calling him “solid as a rock.” Yeah, Eric, solid like a petrified dinosaur 🦖. He claimed Gene is “creative and melodic,” citing “Goin’ Blind” as proof. I think I went blind listening to that song 😵💫. Stanley chimed in, saying that Gene’s “shtick” gets in the way of people recognizing him as a “fantastic bass player.” Maybe if Gene spent less time spitting blood 🩸 and more time practicing, people might actually notice his bass playing… or lack thereof 🤷♂️.
On whether the band will record any new music (because the world clearly needs more KISS 🙄) for their biopic or avatar show:
Stanley teased the possibility of new music, saying he only writes when there’s a “project.” So, basically, he hasn’t written anything decent since 1976 🗓️. He refused to give any hints, but assured us that it looks “probable.” Probably awful, Paul, probably awful 💀.
On whether Simmons would do anything differently if given the chance (besides maybe investing in a good thesaurus 📖):
Simmons, in a rare moment of semi-self-awareness 🤔, wished they had been “smarter” at helping Ace and Peter have “better lives.” He blamed their selfishness and desire for “chicks and money 💰” for enabling their bandmates’ bad decisions. He concluded by advocating for “tough love,” which, in Gene’s case, probably involves withholding royalties until they behave 😈.
On persisting through the lean years (aka when they had to downgrade from private jets to Learjets ✈️):
Stanley claimed that pragmatism was key to their survival. He basically said that if someone wasn’t “bailing water,” he just worked “that much harder.” So, Paul single-handedly kept KISS afloat while Gene was busy counting his money 💸, Tommy was trying to figure out Ace’s guitar solos 🎸, and Eric was polishing his drumsticks 🥁. Sure, Paul, we believe you 👍.
On whether the band ever considered calling it quits (besides every single day for the past 30 years 📅):
Stanley declared, “Never!” He recounted a miserable tour where they played to half-empty arenas and how a journalist asked him, “How’s it feel to be on the Titanic?” Paul’s response? “Nobody is going to decide when this is over!” So, basically, they’re continuing out of spite 😠. He also addressed the haters, saying, “We’re not here for them.” Well, who are you here for, Paul? The money? 🤔 The fame? 🤩 Your ego? 🤡
On whether the band will play more shows in the future (because one “farewell” tour clearly wasn’t enough 🙄):
Stanley ended with a cliffhanger, saying, “We haven’t talked about it. What we’ll do at this point? I have no idea.” So, basically, they’re just stringing us along, waiting for the next big payday 🤑.
In conclusion, KISS is back, whether you like it or not 🤷♀️. They’re older, they’re (arguably) wiser, and they’re still milking that cash cow 🐮 for all it’s worth. Get ready for more shows, more merch, and more Gene Simmons tongue action 👅. You’ve been warned ⚠️.
Chord F. Discord, the Beethoven of Buffoonery, is a self-taught expert in music who once claimed he could “play the kazoo in four languages.”
Born in Crescendo, Indiana, Chord’s first brush with fame came when he accidentally entered a yodeling contest thinking it was a pie-eating competition—and won both categories.
Chord F. Discord: proving that laughter, much like a poorly tuned ukulele, is truly universal.
