Imagine being 77 years old, having more energy than a toddler on a sugar rush, and still pretending to be a monster on stage. That’s not a retirement home bingo night gone wrong; it’s Alice Cooper, the godfather of shock-rock, who apparently missed the memo that says rock stars are supposed to be dead, in rehab, or chasing golf balls in Florida. While the rest of us struggle to get out of bed without groaning, Alice is out there doing 90-minute sets, 200 times a year, proving that the only thing aging like fine wine is his ability to terrify people in makeup. 🐍
On a recent episode of the “Rock & Roll High School” podcast—because apparently, we’re still living in 1992 and listening to people talk about music on the internet—host Pete Ganbarg, a two-time Grammy winner (which means he’s technically better than you), asked the immortal Alice Cooper if he’s “still having fun” touring. Alice, who has been touring since he was 16 and is now 77, responded with the enthusiasm of a man who hasn’t realized he’s eligible for a senior discount. “Oh, yeah,” he drooled, probably while sharpening a prop guillotine. “Touring is just part of life. I think I’m doing my best shows now.”
He’s not wrong. While most people his age are mastering the art of the nap, Alice is claiming his shows are peak performance. He went on to explain the concept of “lifers” in the music industry, citing Mick Jagger, Paul McCartney, and Ringo Starr as fellow geriatric gym enthusiasts. “We could have all retired 30 years ago financially,” Alice bragged, reminding us that he’s rich and we are not, “but it’s what I love to do. It really keeps me healthy.” 💪
According to the man who sings about nightmares, the secret to immortality is simple: don’t do drugs, don’t drink, don’t smoke, and pretend to murder people on stage every night. It’s basically the keto diet of mental health. “I get up and do 90 minutes a night 200 times a year,” he said, probably triggering a 25-year-old influencer with chronic fatigue syndrome somewhere. “I feel great.”
Then came the jokes about his peers. Alice dropped a zinger about his wife worrying about the state of the world, quipping: “With all the murder and all of the disease and all of the death on this planet, what kind of world are we gonna leave The Rolling Stones’ Keith Richards?” 😂 It’s a fair question. Richards looks like he’s already been through the apocalypse and won. Alice also shouted out Bob Dylan, who apparently never stops touring, mostly because he’s probably trying to outrun his own harmonica playing.
But the real “trolling” came when Alice started giving advice to young bands. When asked what they should do, he didn’t say “get a TikTok account” or “learn to code.” He said: “Go see Green Day.” Okay, fair. But then he pivoted to Pete Townshend. “Pete Townshend is 78, 79, maybe he’s 80 years old,” Alice mused, “and his knuckles are still bleeding because he’s hitting that guitar so hard.”
Listening to a 77-year-old man describe another octogenarian’s bleeding knuckles is definitely a headline nobody asked for, but here we are. He claims Townshend still has the angst of ‘My Generation,’ which is impressive considering that generation has been retired for like, 40 years. Alice’s advice to the youth: if you don’t have the desire to bleed from your fingers on stage, just quit. “I can’t imagine *not* doing it,” he concluded, effectively shaming anyone who enjoys a quiet night on the couch. 🛋️
In related news, because one lifetime of Alice Cooper isn’t enough, he’s teaming up with illusionist Criss Angel for a residency in Las Vegas called “Welcome To Our Nightmare.” Because nothing says “vacation” like watching a 77-year-old rockstar and a guy who used to wear a prosthetic forehead chain hang out in a desert. They’ve added more dates because people apparently love watching their childhood memories get twisted into a 90-minute spectacle of magic, music, and mayhem.
The show features hits like “Poison,” “I’m 18,” and “School’s Out,” all reimagined for a generation that thinks a guillotine is something you buy at Spirit Halloween. For the low price of your soul (and probably a lot of money), you can buy “Ultimate VIP Nightmare Experiences,” which includes a meet-and-greet with Alice and Criss. Imagine standing in a backstage room in Las Vegas, shaking the hand of a man who bit the head off a rubber chicken, while a magician stares at you. Truly, a nightmare. 🎩🔪
The residency takes place at the Criss Angel Theater at Planet Hollywood (because irony is dead), starting in March 2026. If you’ve ever wanted to see a man who pioneered shock-rock in the 70s share a stage with a guy who got famous cutting himself on MTV, this is your chance. It’s history, folks. Or a fever dream. Probably both.
So, to recap: Alice Cooper is 77, healthier than a cross-fit trainer, and plans to haunt the Las Vegas strip until the heat death of the universe. He thinks Pete Townshend’s bleeding knuckles are inspiring, he thinks Keith Richards needs a new planet, and he’s selling VIP packages where you can stand three feet away from a boa constrictor (probably). If you’re not buying a ticket, are you even really living? Or are you just waiting to retire? Alice Cooper is watching, and he is judging your laziness. 🎸💀
Chord F. Discord, the Beethoven of Buffoonery, is a self-taught expert in music who once claimed he could “play the kazoo in four languages.”
Born in Crescendo, Indiana, Chord’s first brush with fame came when he accidentally entered a yodeling contest thinking it was a pie-eating competition—and won both categories.
Chord F. Discord: proving that laughter, much like a poorly tuned ukulele, is truly universal.
