I just spit out my beer when I heard that Evan Seinfeld, the vocalist and bassist of Biohazard, has launched a fitness app called Full Metal Fitness. I mean, who wouldn’t want to get in shape with a guy who’s been screaming his lungs out for decades? It’s not like we metalheads are already known for our athleticism or anything 🤣. According to Seinfeld, the app is designed for metal fans who want to get in shape, and it includes a workout program, meal plan, and weekly video calls with the man himself. Because, you know, what’s more metal than doing burpees to the sounds of Iron Maiden?
View this post on Instagram
Seinfeld explained that he decided to launch the app because he’s noticed that a lot of metal fans are, shall we say, not exactly in the best shape of their lives. “90% of the fans of metal are out of shape, overweight, eating toxic food, not exercising, not working out,” he said. Wow, thanks for the vote of confidence, Evan. I’m sure we’re all just thrilled to be stereotyped as a bunch of slobs. But hey, at least he’s trying to help, right?
The App: Because You Clearly Need Guidance on How to Do a Pushup
So, what exactly does the Full Metal Fitness app offer? Well, for starters, it’s a free at-home workout that you can do with just a pair of dumbbells and a yoga mat. Because, you know, we metalheads are all about simplicity and not at all about complicated things like, say, actual exercise equipment. The workout is guided by Seinfeld himself, and it features a playlist of metal songs to get you pumped up. Because, of course, the only thing that can possibly motivate us to exercise is the sweet, sweet sound of Pantera.
Seinfeld also mentioned that the app includes a meal plan, because apparently, we metalheads can’t even be trusted to feed ourselves properly. I mean, come on, guys, it’s not that hard to eat a salad every once in a while. But hey, at least the app will provide us with a shopping list and recipes, so we don’t have to actually think for ourselves.
The Community: Because You Clearly Need to be Held Accountable for Your Lack of Motivation
One of the key features of the Full Metal Fitness app is the community aspect. Seinfeld wants to create a space where metal fans can come together and support each other in their fitness journeys. Because, you know, what’s more metal than a bunch of dudes talking about their feelings and sharing their workout progress? The app includes group video calls, where users can discuss their progress and get motivation from Seinfeld himself. And, of course, there are different levels of coaching, because some of us clearly need more hand-holding than others.
Seinfeld also mentioned that he’s been coaching guys for years, and he’s seen some amazing transformations. “People are getting in insane shape,” he said. Wow, that’s amazing. I’m sure it has nothing to do with the fact that they’re being motivated by the promise of getting to listen to Slayer while they work out.
In conclusion, the Full Metal Fitness app is a thing that exists, and it’s apparently exactly what we metalheads have been missing from our lives. I mean, who needs actual motivation or self-discipline when you can just pay Evan Seinfeld to yell at you to do pushups? 🤣. So, if you’re ready to get in shape and join a community of like-minded metalheads, sign up for the app and get ready to sweat your ass off to the sounds of Black Sabbath. Just don’t forget to bring your sense of humor, because you’re going to need it. 🤘
Chord F. Discord, the Beethoven of Buffoonery, is a self-taught expert in music who once claimed he could “play the kazoo in four languages.”
Born in Crescendo, Indiana, Chord’s first brush with fame came when he accidentally entered a yodeling contest thinking it was a pie-eating competition—and won both categories.
Chord F. Discord: proving that laughter, much like a poorly tuned ukulele, is truly universal.
⚖️ ENTER THE LEGALIZER
Think the government has no idea what it's doing? Put your case before the Federal Case Terminal and find out.
