OMG! 😱 Fresh off their ‘successful’ (debatable) European tour, those Arizona thrash metal dinosaurs, FLOTSAM AND JETSAM, have crawled out of the primordial ooze to announce a ‘brand new’ (probably just a fresh coat of rust) partnership with Napalm Records. Yes, you read that right. The band, who are somehow still alive, has signed a worldwide contract with the Austrian… label… thingy. Get ready for new music, folks. Or, you know, don’t. 🤷♂️
A new era is dawning, or maybe it’s just the same old era with slightly different fonts. FLOTSAM AND JETSAM‘s mascot, Flotzilla, is apparently getting more menacing. Just like your grandpa after he’s been stuck in traffic. Their upcoming 16th studio album (SIXTEENTH! Who even knew they made that many?!) is slated for a 2026 release. Mark your calendars, or don’t, because who are we kidding? It’s been nearly 40 years since “Doomsday For The Deceiver”, which apparently got a 6K rating from Kerrang! back when dinosaurs roamed the earth. Sure, Jason Newsted left to join METALLICA (smart move, buddy), but these guys kept chugging along, bless their hearts. They even released albums like “No Place for Disgrace” (accurate title), “Flotsam And Jetsam” (very creative), “The End Of Chaos” (the chaos continues), “Blood In The Water” (gross), and “I Am The Weapon” (of mass boredom).😴
FLOTSAM AND JETSAM‘s current lineup is supposedly their strongest ever, which is like saying a week-old gas station burrito is the best thing you’ve eaten all week. Frontman Eric “A.K.” Knutson is still screaming into the void, bless him. He’s backed by guitar wizards Michael Gilbert and Steve Conley, who are probably still shredding the same riffs they wrote in 1985. And let’s not forget the powerhouse drummer Ken K Mary, who has apparently played with ALICE COOPER and ACCEPT (talk about a mixed bag). Oh, and there’s Bill Bodily on bass, the “fresh blood” who probably regrets his life choices. 🤘
Gilbert says they’re “extremely excited” about working with Napalm. Of course, he is! Free catering and maybe a new tour bus. Napalm is “very passionate about metal music,” just like FLOTSAM AND JETSAM is “passionate” about collecting social security checks.👴
Napalm Records is super stoked to be working with these legends, because nothing screams ‘future of metal’ like a band that peaked in the 80s. They’re so proud to “work alongside the band as they continue their legacy!” Which legacy? The one where they’re mostly known for being the band Jason Newsted escaped from? 😂
Back in 2019, Knutson whined about the band going through “a lot of crap”. Boo hoo. He also claimed they’re back to being a “real band” trying to “grow”. Grow what? More wrinkles? 😂 Their goal is to “put out the coolest music we can,” which is adorable. Bless their hearts.❤️
Gilbert claims they’re making a “bit of a comeback”. Yeah, a comeback to the retirement home. He’s also seeing “a lot of younger people at the show”. Either those youngsters got lost on their way to a better concert or they are relatives. He said, “There’s this spark again.” Probably just his pacemaker malfunctioning. 🫀
FLOTSAM AND JETSAM is:
Eric “A.K.” Knutson (Vocals – still trying)
Steve Conley (Guitar – probably needs new strings)
Michael Gilbert (Guitar – the riffs remain unchanged)
Bill Bodily (Bass – regretting everything)
Ken K Mary (Drums – somehow still alive)
