Netflix, in its infinite wisdom (or lack thereof), is STILL trying to make a ‘Gears of War’ movie happen. 🙄 Apparently, they haven’t learned from the graveyard of failed video game adaptations. Buckle up, folks, because this is gonna be a wild ride… straight into the bargain bin! 🤣
So, Netflix, bless their cotton socks, snagged the rights to ‘Gears of War’ back in the ancient year of 2022. Why? Who knows! Probably because someone in a board meeting yelled, “Video games are popular! Let’s throw money at one!” 🤦♂️
Development has been “slow.” Shocking, I know. It’s not like turning a complex game with a convoluted storyline into a coherent film is easy or anything. But hey, at least they’re trying, right? (Narrator: They’re not.) 😴
Remember back in 2007 when New Line Cinema thought they could handle the COG? Yeah, that went about as well as Marcus Fenix at a tea party. Len Wiseman of ‘Underworld’ fame was attached. He then wisely detached himself. Budget cuts? Creative differences? Probably both. It’s Hollywood, baby! 💸
Then Universal and Microsoft teamed up in 2016 to make a movie “separate from the games’ canon.” Because what fans *really* want is a completely different story with characters they don’t recognize. Genius! 🧠 (Sarcasm font, please.)
But fear not, because Netflix, the streaming overlord, swooped in to save the day! Or, you know, make things even more complicated. 🤷♀️
Now, get this: they’re eyeing David Leitch to direct. David Leitch! Mr. “Action Movie Guy.” Because ‘Gears of War’ is all about nuanced character development and thought-provoking themes, right? No, wait, it’s about chainsawing aliens in half. My bad. 🪚
What’s the story of ‘Gears of War,’ you ask? Well, it’s about a bunch of beefy dudes with anger issues fighting subterranean monsters on a planet that looks like it was designed by a heavy metal album cover artist. It’s deep, man. 👽
You play as Marcus Fenix, a guy who makes Rambo look like a sensitive poet. He leads Delta Squad, a team of equally grumpy soldiers, on a mission to save humanity. Because apparently, humanity can only be saved by guys who grunt a lot and carry ridiculously oversized weapons. 💪
The game was a massive hit, blah blah blah, awards, blah blah blah, Xbox Live domination. Who cares? Will any of that translate into a good movie? Probably not. 🙄
Netflix has “big plans.” An animated series! Because if the movie fails, they can just milk the franchise with a cheap cartoon. Classic Netflix strategy. 🐄
Jon Spaihts, who wrote ‘Dune,’ is penning the script. So, expect lots of sand, philosophical mumblings, and probably some giant sandworms that look suspiciously like Locust. 🐛
Leitch, who used to be Keanu Reeves’ stunt double, has directed a bunch of action movies. ‘Atomic Blonde,’ ‘Deadpool 2,’ ‘Hobbs & Shaw’… all loud, flashy, and ultimately forgettable. Perfect training for ‘Gears of War’! 🎬
His recent movie, ‘The Fall Guy,’ bombed. But hey, who needs box office success when you have Netflix throwing money at you? 💰
Leitch has a ton of other projects lined up, including ‘How to Rob a Bank’ with a bunch of trendy actors. And maybe ‘Ocean’s 14,’ because apparently, the world needs more heist movies. 💎
He’s also producing sequels to ‘Nobody’ and ‘Violent Night.’ Because if there’s one thing the world needs, it’s more ultra-violent Christmas movies. 🎅
Other video game movies are on the way, too. ‘Minecraft Movie’ is apparently a thing. ‘Fallout’ is a TV show. Some do well, some flop. The odds are not in ‘Gears of War’ favor, let’s be real. 🎲
So, when will ‘Gears of War’ be on Netflix? Who knows! Probably never. Or maybe in five years, after countless rewrites, casting changes, and executive meddling. By then, everyone will have forgotten about ‘Gears of War’ and moved on to the next shiny thing. 💫
In conclusion, don’t get your hopes up. This movie is doomed. But hey, at least we’ll have something to laugh at. 😂
Finn McFrame, celebrated satirical mastermind and self-proclaimed “Emperor of Irony,” started his illustrious career as a cinematographer, where his expertise in capturing every single frame of a squirrel stealing a baguette earned him accolades at obscure film festivals.
Born in the glamorous town of Boring, Oregon, Finn grew up with dreams of being a Hollywood director until he realized that satire, not cinema, was his true calling—or at least the one that let him sleep until noon.
Finn McFrame: changing the world, one satirical lens flare at a time.
