So, Lars Ulrich, the intellectual powerhouse behind Metallica (allegedly), did another interview. This time with Variety, because, you know, they’re *so* relevant these days. He’s pimping Metallica’s new cinematic masterpiece, “Metallica Saved My Life” – a film so profound, it explores the deep, existential connection between Metallica and… themselves. Yes, you read that right. The bandmembers are fans of themselves. Groundbreaking stuff, folks. 🙄
When asked if having a fanbase that’s stuck around despite Metallica‘s constant, uh, “artistic risks” has given them the freedom to swing for the fences (or, more accurately, whiff spectacularly), Lars responded with a word salad so dense, it could qualify as a black hole. “I don’t think it was ever a choice,” he blathered. “We dictate our own narrative,” which is code for “we do whatever the hell we want, and you’ll buy it.” He went on to babble about curiosity, DNA, and the crippling fear of… complacency? Oh no, not complacency! The horror! They simply *must* keep evolving, even if it means collaborating with a symphony orchestra (again) or hiring yet another producer to “reinvent” their sound (again). Because, you know, stagnation is the ultimate evil. 😱
He then dredged up the ancient history of “Ride The Lightning” and the scandalous inclusion of acoustic guitars on “Fade To Black.” Apparently, this was a revolutionary act of defiance that sent shockwaves through the “very hard-rock end of the community.” (Spoiler alert: it was a ballad. Bands had been doing ballads for decades). But Lars would like you to believe that this was the moment Metallica declared their artistic independence and vowed never to churn out the same record over and over again. Except… 🤔
“Metallica Saved My Life”, this cinematic triumph, is premiering at the Tribeca Film Festival. Yes, Tribeca. Because nothing says “indie film” like a documentary funded by a mega-corporation about a mega-band. 🎬
The film, directed by Jonas Åkerlund (who, let’s be honest, probably owes them a favor), features interviews with fans from 23 different countries. Because apparently, the world needed to hear more stories about how Metallica changed someone’s life. I’m sure there are some riveting tales about surviving traffic jams thanks to Enter Sandman. 😴
The band’s official statement about the film is a masterclass in self-congratulatory fluff. “Metallica Saved My Life explores our world through the lives of fans who have supported each other through highs, lows, trials and triumphs for over four decades. And yeah, we’re in it a little bit too.” Oh, you’re in it “a little bit”? I thought it was a documentary about *the fans*? Right… 🙄
Back in 2023, Metallica put out a casting call for “superfans” to appear in the documentary. They were looking for “big personalities, unique characters and unexpected stories.” Translation: people willing to say the most outlandish things about how Metallica single-handedly cured their crippling anxiety or helped them find their lost cat. 🐱
Two years ago, Lars credited “Stranger Things” with creating a whole new generation of Metallica fans. Because apparently, a well-placed needle drop is all it takes to undo decades of questionable musical choices. Thanks, Netflix! 🙏
As a result of the show, “Master Of Puppets” topped the iTunes Rock Chart and cracked the Spotify Top 50. Proving that nostalgia sells and that even the most jaded metalheads will get a little misty-eyed when they hear a song from their youth. 😭
Lars went on to say that the possibility for Metallica‘s music to reach a new audience seems endless. Because, you know, they’re basically immortal gods of metal who will continue to churn out albums and documentaries until the end of time. 🤘
In a 2015 interview, James Hetfield waxed poetic about the “ultimate family” that is the Metallica fanbase. Apparently, when he screws up the words to a song (which happens, like, every show), the crowd has his back. “It’s, like, ‘Man, they really do have our back.'” And that gives him the freedom to “explore more up there or to even do better.” Which is a nice way of saying, “I can mess up all I want, and you’ll still love me.” ❤️
In 2016, Lars claimed that they don’t make a concerted effort to bring in new fans or win over naysayers. “We don’t go out of our way to do one thing more than the other.” Which is hilarious, considering the amount of marketing and self-promotion they engage in. He then went on to say that there’s still a “rite of passage” for 13 and 14-year-old boys to get into Metallica. Because apparently, listening to Metallica is a mandatory step on the path to manhood. 💪
So, there you have it. Another day, another Metallica press release. Remember, folks, Metallica saved your life. Now go buy their movie. And their albums. And their merchandise. Because they need your money. To, uh, fight complacency. Or something. 💰
Chord F. Discord, the Beethoven of Buffoonery, is a self-taught expert in music who once claimed he could “play the kazoo in four languages.”
Born in Crescendo, Indiana, Chord’s first brush with fame came when he accidentally entered a yodeling contest thinking it was a pie-eating competition—and won both categories.
Chord F. Discord: proving that laughter, much like a poorly tuned ukulele, is truly universal.
