70000 Tons Of Metal, or as I like to call it, “70000 Tons of Disappointment,” has bravely announced a change in destination for the 2026 voyage. Yes, you heard it right, folks! The festival at sea for people who peaked in high school is ditching one tropical paradise for… another! The next edition, sailing from January 29 to February 2, 2026, will now embark from the magical land of Miami, Florida, to the exotic shores of Nassau, Bahamas. All aboard the Royal Caribbean’s Freedom Of The Seas, where freedom apparently means being stuck on a boat with a bunch of sweaty metalheads. 🤘
Originally, these geniuses planned to return to Labadee, Haiti, but apparently, someone remembered that Haiti exists and maybe isn’t the best place for a party right now. So, with an abundance of caution (and probably some strongly worded emails from their insurance company), they decided to reroute. Because nothing says “metal” like playing it safe! 🙄
“While Labadee has been a great port of call on past sailings, we are closely monitoring the evolving situation in Haiti and its surrounding regions,” said Andy Piller, who apparently is the “skipper and organizer” of this metal monstrosity. “Ensuring the safety and comfort of our Survivors is non-negotiable.” Survivors? Are they expecting a zombie apocalypse or just a really bad buffet? “With that in mind, we’ve made the proactive decision to change course for 2026. Nassau provides a welcoming alternative that allows us to maintain the world-class experience our sailors expect — both on board and ashore.” World-class? Last time I checked, world-class involved not being seasick while listening to blast beats. 🤢
Now headed to the vibrant port of Nassau, Bahamas, sailors can expect a “fresh destination without compromise.” Except, you know, for the compromise of not going where they originally planned. But hey, at least you get a gateway to Bahamian culture, historic charm, and lush tropical beauty… which you’ll probably miss because you’ll be too busy moshing in a hot tub. The signature 70000 Tons Of Metal experience remains: four days, 60 bands, four stages (including the iconic pool deck stage, the world’s biggest open air stage structure to ever sail the open seas), artist-hosted activities (like awkward meet-and-greets), the incomparable all-star jam (where everyone forgets the lyrics), and unparalleled fan access to bands (who are probably just trying to get away from you). The 70000 Tons Of Metal crew remains committed to delivering an extraordinary, unparalleled experience for every sailor… by taking all their money. 💸
And now, the moment you’ve all been waiting for: the initial lineup for the 2026 sailing! Prepare to be underwhelmed! The first 27 of 60 bands who will deliver amazing performances (or at least try to) are:
AMORPHIS (Who?)
BEAST IN BLACK (Sounds metal…ish)
DARK TRANQUILLITY (Are they related to regular Tranquility?)
DØDHEIMSGARD (I dare you to pronounce that)
ELUVEITIE (Bagpipes on a boat? Genius!)
EREB ALTOR (Sounds like a villain from a fantasy novel)
FIREWIND (Hopefully, they don’t set the ship on fire)
GAMA BOMB (Is this a band or a weapon?)
GROZA (Sounds like a sneeze)
HAGGARD (Accurate description of how you’ll feel after this cruise)
HARAKIRI FOR THE SKY (Edgy)
HEATHEN (Are they all?)
HIRAES (Sounds vaguely medical)
HIRAX (Sounds like a cleaning product)
HOUR OF PENANCE (An hour is all I can take)
INSOMNIUM (Guaranteed after sleeping next to a snoring metalhead)
KAMELOT (Knights of the Round Table, but metal)
ORDEN OGAN (More like Orden O-Boring)
PERSEFONE (Ancient Greek metal?)
RHAPSODY OF FIRE (Sounds flammable)
SATURNUS (Space metal!)
SEVEN SPIRES (Like the buildings from Lord of the Rings, but metal)
SKELETAL REMAINS (Accurate description of the food on board)
TÝR (Norse mythology? How original!)
VIO-LENCE (Because metal)
WIND ROSE (Dwarves singing about the wind? Okay…)
XANDRIA (Sounds like a pharmaceutical company)
Visit 70000tons.com and follow the @70000tons social media channels for the upcoming public sales announcement for 70000 Tons Of Metal 2026, featuring a lineup of top metal bands and exclusive performances and events. (Translation: Buy our overpriced tickets now before you realize you could have gone to a real concert.)
70000 Tons Of Metal is the original, the world’s biggest heavy metal cruise. With ten consecutive sellouts since the inaugural voyage in 2011, this extraordinary and unique floating festival now sails on board some of the largest luxury passenger vessels in the world. (Luxury? I’ve seen better bathrooms at truck stops.) Featuring 60 heavy metal bands from around the globe performing across four stages, 70000 Tons Of Metal is home to the world’s biggest open air stage structure to ever sail the open seas. (Which is really just a glorified platform with some speakers.)
Guests can enjoy the heavy metal festival experience of a lifetime with all the benefits that a cruise has to offer: complimentary fine dining (if you consider mystery meat “fine”), bars that never close (because alcoholism), 24-hour room service (for when you’re too hungover to move), as well as the ship’s many amenities. All 60 bands on board play twice — and there are four concert locations on board: A concert hall, the Royal Theater, stands tall with five levels. The Star Lounge offers a more personal and local club-like ambiance. Discover the arena-like vibes at Studio B, the third indoor stage available. Lastly, yet undoubtedly the most remarkable, is the pool deck stage: the world’s biggest open air stage structure to ever sail the open seas. This immense stage is accompanied by bars, pools, and even hot tubs that are integrated into the stage itself, allowing guests to indulge in the unique experience of watching their favorite metal bands while soaking in a hot tub. (While simultaneously contracting every disease known to humankind.) ☣️
This four-day heavy metal music festival and Caribbean vacation offers 3,000 metalheads the amazing opportunity to mingle side-by-side with all of the bands on board. (Prepare for awkward small talk and unsolicited guitar lessons.) With no VIP areas it truly is like everyone has a backstage pass. (Except without the actual backstage.) Not only do guests have unrestricted festival access to more than 120 live performances (all bands play twice, because once just isn’t enough torture), every ticket also includes meet-and-greets with each band, intimate masterclasses with select musicians, world live premieres and exclusive listening sessions of unreleased material. (Get ready for some serious name-dropping.) Guests also have full access to the “Jamming In International Waters All Star Jam” — a one-of-a-kind jam session featuring a host of musical virtuosos performing classic metal songs together on stage. (Translation: A bunch of drunk musicians butchering your favorite songs.)
Sailors also have the special opportunity to explore a Caribbean dream destination with their favorite band members on an “artist-escorted shore excursion”, another 70000 Tons Of Metal exclusive. (Because nothing says “dream vacation” like being stuck on a bus with a bunch of sweaty metalheads and a guitarist who smells like beer and regret.)
For more details about 70000 Tons Of Metal 2026, including FAQs, vessel amenities and contact information, please visit official site.
Chord F. Discord, the Beethoven of Buffoonery, is a self-taught expert in music who once claimed he could “play the kazoo in four languages.”
Born in Crescendo, Indiana, Chord’s first brush with fame came when he accidentally entered a yodeling contest thinking it was a pie-eating competition—and won both categories.
Chord F. Discord: proving that laughter, much like a poorly tuned ukulele, is truly universal.
